Flashback Friday
Once upon a time, a certain Gabby found herself on a beach in South Carolina. She ran along the water, singing a song that made her tears stream behind her. Whether it be her past traumas, simply her natural inclinations, or a mix of the two, she could physically feel the presence of a tension in her relationships and therefore held an ache inside of her that she could not ignore.
Whenever people seemed off or avoided her glance, she immediately recognized the change and began analyzing any and all interactions. Did she do something? Is it pinpoint-able? When should she bring it up? Do they think well of her? Is she a bad person overall if she’s a bad person in their eyes? Did everyone secretly think she was a bad person?
These continued thoughts led to her to accept an invitation to an early-morning, emotional beach rendezvous with Jesse and her husband Buzz. Jesse talked with a crying Gabby, who wanted so badly for her connections to be stronger, deeper, and what she expected. She needed to feel secure, but there didn’t seem to be a way toward that.
It was here that the sun rose and the sand stayed cold for a while. It was here that the ocean waves aggressively cozying up to the shore reminded her that the way she loved wasn’t unnatural. It was here that Buzz read all 3 of her blog posts. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t leave. He gave her a hug and then said he loved her, which felt as real and as snuggly as the sand hugging her toes.
It was the same vacation that she tripped and fell directly onto her knee in a parking lot, holding Oakley over her head to keep him out of harm’s way. (I still have the scar.) It was the same vacation that it rained as she cried, unable to avoid looking at the faces of people she knew were not comfortable with her crying, which always made her feel uncomfortable crying. It was the same vacation she went to bed instead of playing Dungeons & Dragons in fear that she would somehow mess everything up. It’s always vacations, being in groups, that tend to cook up the questions and the anxiety and the panic that leads to disassociation. She felt embarrassed, overwhelmed, and sad.
And in all these feelings, she felt alone. Not physically alone, and not even emotionally alone. She had her loving husband and other trusted people. But Gabby was alone in how she felt. No one knew what she was going through, not really. She always felt like her struggles were entirely her own— which would sometimes make an enneagram 4 like Gabby feel special, in a melancholy-sort of way. But not then. Not anymore.
After she started feeling this way again and again, the expressions of everyone around her changed. There wasn’t a coming alongside her. She sensed pity, definitely judgement from some, and— many times— just a general disinterest, which was maybe the worst of all. Whether her view of their demeanor or assumption of their intentions actually came from the truth of reality or just rang true to her unhelpful inner monologue, she didn’t know, but she learned what she could from what she was given, even when she asked.
And even though I can’t change the past or erase her embarrassing memories of her many panic attacks in July of any year, I can try to help comfort Lil’ Gabby more moving forward. I can be curious, rather than judgmental, with her and with those around her.
Cheers to Another Year!
This blog is to entertain, to vent, to process, to explain, but it is all these things for a Lil’ Gab and for all of the Lil’ versions of all of you out there. This blog and its honesty are for the versions of you that didn’t get the love they needed back then. Maybe you too feel embarrassed over how it can all come out in weird ways no one expects. Here’s to you, and all of your completely valid feelings and your journey to processing them in a healthier, better way. I hope reading my ramblings can help you feel a sense of community, even just a whiff of it. Because I get it. And I’m right here.
This year had a lot of headachey moments, but this blog was a life raft in the thick of it. I’m a broken record ringing its praises so I’ll stop….but I’m obsessed with it, okay?? As always, I am a passionate advocate for Gabby and all of the messy parts of her heart. However, it is July. And it’s time to break out the deep-breathing and the calming techniques, so that I can survive the heat— both physically and mentally.
I am very very thankful for your views and your likes. It means so so much to me. (And I loved hearing so much positive feedback on the Flagstaff post!🥰) But I’m also very thankful I had the guts to do any of this in the first place. ❤️
🌻ART SHOW & TELL🌻
Fun fact: I just used Canva on the computer for the first time 2 weeks ago… it very much opened my eyes.
Time for some TLCCC💕
Treating myself to: a lot of relaxing
Listening to: lots of Chappell Roan, and more inclusive worship songs 🩷
Crafting: crafting to relax!
Craving: alone time
Caring SO much about: possibly expanding our family, Oakley’s first toddler vacation (legit, guys, he speaks in sentences. He said “yay dinner. Bye cars!” because it was dinner time and he couldn’t play with his cars anymore.)