Autumn Reflections // Alone in a Crowded Room
20: just in time for family gathering season, I want to reflect on being a socially anxious extrovert, dabble in defining my disassociation, & my view of connection being THE human essential
Note: Music is a little more about autumn vibes today versus close lyrical resemblance to situations. Enjoy!
It’s Already November!
It’s too easy to fall into the pressures of our fast-paced consumerism-focused world. The last few weeks, I’ve found myself sad for no apparent reason. I have been productive, but not enough. I have made dinner, but it has never been Instagram-worthy. I’ve written blog posts, but none felt like my best (—except for my adoption post— that one’s my Roman Empire). I know factually that nothing is perfect, but sometimes I’m bummed that it can’t be.
After attending a great double birthday lunch at Haldi last week, I rushed over to my curly hair appointment— a late birthday gift to myself. The specialist was not only professional and knowledgeable, but extremely personable and affirming. In a stylist’s chair, I become the equivalent of this blog on Audible, which I know can be overwhelming, but I felt so encouraged and uplifted by her responses. She wanted to read my blog, to know where I purchased my creative anniversary gift for my husband, and to shower me with tons of compliments. This beautiful soul brought out more than just my natural curl; she raised my confidence up from where it had fallen the last few weeks, just by listening well and being kind.
It made me think of other boring, lucky people like me out there in the world who still had a hard time feeling happy. But it also made me think of those vastly unlucky people who were too busy surviving to worry about happiness. Either way, I believe in my heart of hearts that kindness and connection pave the way to true happiness. And I’m not talking about kindness in the way of politeness or being nice (🎶“You’re so nice…You’re not good, you’re not bad— you’re just nice!” 🎶), but pure and genuine kindness that is continually given from person to person. Everyone deserves to joyfully connect with people. And not just once in a while from a stranger, but continuously with those we invite into our lives, from hair stylists to coworkers to friends and to family.
My favorite mouse, Tutter, from “Bear in the Big Blue House,” at his family reunion, feeling overwhelmed by his family’s presence. The other residents of the big blue house can relate.
The Most Crowded Time of the Year
After Halloween invites groups of people to pass by each other on the street, Thanksgiving invites all those people into one home to eat together. Soon after this, the Christmas season invites even more people to celebrate in multiple get-togethers. All this getting-together sure makes things exciting, but it can also be stressful and overwhelming (as well as an invitation for sickness). Some families are close and/or have mutual respect for each other, but not all of us have comfortable relationships with everyone in our inner circles.
While growing up in a big family as one of the youngest on both sides, I never felt like my voice really mattered at a family gathering. The grown-ups were talking and laughing about things I didn’t and couldn’t understand. There were many times I felt like an observer. And when I was asked questions, I felt like people weren’t really listening, like any regular response I gave was superfluous for a conversation with a child. What else is there to do other than to retreat into my own daydreams?
As I got older, I fell back on this habit more and more. Whenever I didn’t feel like I fit into a group setting I was in, I mentally left it. It felt like I was traveling to a different place entirely. I think I am more susceptible to falling into that mindset because I spent so much time in it as a child. As a very young Gab, longing to feel wanted and known, I would think:
“No one wants to hear what I have to say.”
“No one understands me or wants to.”
”Why am I even here?”
Singer Dodie writes her own verse to Bo Burnham’s “That Funny Feeling.”
It’s Giving… Social Anxiety
I grew up reading a lot of books. Reading provided a magical way to detach from reality in a very stimulating and emotionally-gratifying way. This milder form of dissociation refers to disconnecting from your body and the world around you, whether purposefully or subconsciously. Throughout my life, I have dealt with many types of anxiety, but my social anxiety has made a very reliable friend in that funny feeling: dissociation.
As a child, I very much purposefully dove into stories like Harry Potter and my Disney Fairy books, but I kept diving back in because it felt so relieving to escape into these imaginative worlds where I could play a new role in life. I remember being tapped on the shoulder by a teacher, telling me the bell had rang and I needed to leave the already darkened and empty classroom. Many vacations I’ve been on can be marked in my memory by the book I was reading, almost more than the happenings of the trip itself. Yes, these vast inner worlds I created were products of my highly sensitive and creative nature, but were also a device for dissociation. I very much believe that my connection to books and just the dense amount of time I spent off in my own world built a foundational training ground to learn how to dissociate more easily and less purposefully in the future.
We all have experienced dissociation and it isn’t strictly negative. Being off in our own worlds can be a place of rich creativity, deep relaxation, and can be a nice break from reality. It becomes negative when dissociation interrupts your daily life or overtakes you without your knowledge or desire. The first time I realized this sensation had a name (dissociation also disassociation) was while reading Dodie Clark’s book: Secrets for the Mad. She struggles with a debilitating type of disassociation that qualifies as a disorder, but even the fact that I related to her in the slightest left me concerned.
After connecting to a therapist and sharing this experience, I started tracking when the sensation would hit me. It seemed to link almost exclusively with anxiety-inducing and uncomfortable social situations. Dissociation is something the psyche does to protect itself, but it can be scary to experience. When I realize I am dissociating, it can sometimes bring on more anxiety, especially when I can’t snap out of it. There was even a time I felt so absent to myself that it resulted in one of the worst panic attacks I have ever had. I had a very hard time remembering what went on until I worked through the memory in therapy. EMDR has been such a helpful tool in processing feelings my psyche deemed too big in moments of dissociation. I also know that one of the reasons the comic I mentioned a couple weeks ago disturbed me so deeply is because I connected myself to the main character. This story had been one of my safe escapes, but it became something I needed to escape from.
True Connection
This is why I believe it is so important to check in on those around us, in our circles and not. Someone might be at all the holiday parties or have a constant smile, but those things don’t always reflect how supported and loved they feel inside. It’s a little too easy to feel alone in a crowded room, especially if everyone is laughing at inside jokes you’re not a part of or talking in rhythms you’re not fluent in. It’s a little too easy for people like me to pretend we’re not there and retreat into imaginative worlds that feel comfortable and safe.
As a kid, I was every new student’s first friend because I knew how lonely it was to be the odd-person out. That’s why I tend to smile and wave at strangers I pass by. Maybe I was the first person to acknowledge them that day. That’s why I continued making friendship bracelets even after seeing the Taylor Swift movie. Handing them out to shy Swifties in theaters felt so warm and wonderful that I wanted to do it more.
I believe in the power of connection because of the change I have seen and felt as a result of quality interactions. This was my experience at the hair salon, hearing what I needed to hear: that I was doing a good job. I really appreciated the acknowledgment of my growth and progress. Let’s celebrate and encourage more. Let’s sit with those who need us even when shows of emotion are new and uncomfortable. we should be able to respect and trust each other. We need to ask questions and really listen, remember to check in on things the other mentioned in passing, maybe leave little snacks or gifts to show we’re thinking our friends, and even send a friendly text or offer a hug!
People just aren’t kind enough to each other these days. The potential benefits of our interactions stop after the “how are you’s” end with meaningless answers. Be the person that truly loves those around you this season, and every day if you can manage it. It might sound silly, but positive change really can start with you. And on days when it’s all too much, I pray someone you lifted up or someone you wouldn’t expect surprises you with kindness, support, and connection.
Maybe your suggestion of a certain game at Thanksgiving can become a fun tradition. Maybe chatting with your little cousins at Christmas will make them feel like they’re an important part of the family tree. Maybe reaching out to a friend could be exactly what they needed that day. These actions don’t need to be big. Being present and truly sharing your life with others makes an impact we can’t always see, but can always be felt. When someone hugs me, saying they’ve missed me because they actually do or when they ask how I’m doing and really listen for the answer, it truly fills me up.
In a way that makes me feel important and loved.
In a way that makes it easier to keep my feet on the ground.
Time for some TLCCC
Treating myself to: Early Christmas Decorating! 🎄
Listening to: A lot of Reputation honestly 🐍🖤
Crafting: My Linktree! As well as our family budget and wrapping gifts already (when you’re running 3 Secret Santas through Elfster, you gotta get ahead!) 🎁
Craving: Literally still cheesy scrambled eggs, I have a new comfort food 🍳
Caring SO much about: THE GOLDEN BACHELOR. 🌹 What a wonderfully wholesome show! I hope future casts are as sweet and likable.
Thanks for reading!
I made a Linktree! Click & share this link to find my blog, listen to the music of Gabbin’ Away Again, or email me a question/suggestion. 🩷 I also added my Instagram and the link to my Elfster wishlists. More fun links to come!
Click above to subscribe if you haven’t already. Be sure to LIKE and SHARE this post with friends you think would relate. I hope you have a wonderful week! ✨