Parenting is Weird
Since Oak was a tiny babe, he has pulled my hair—tugging and holding on, comforting himself with the feeling of grasping the thick strands. I have stopped him from doing it for fun at full consciousness, but it still remains a sleepy-time staple. Some nights, he holds onto a strong lock without much pain (allowing me to write posts like these while his eyes flicker), but some days he only wants to grab the wispiest, weakest hairs and I have to keep my eyes from popping out.
Alas, I still find myself getting jealous of Zach when it’s his turn to help our almost 2-year-old get to sleep. Holding my little guy, conked out and relaxed as ever, I can’t help but feel so filled up. He is counting on me. He trusts me. He’s not afraid to ask for what he wants or needs (both important asks). And when I’m staring at his sleepy face, I feel at peace too.
Being a parent is so weird. It’s full of contradictions. And, as a black-&-white thinker, it’s helping me learn many things can be true at once. I can miss my son and I can still need and want time to myself. I can be completely overstimulated and touched out, but still feel sad I wasn’t able to push through it and needed Zach to tap in. I can love his energy and curiosity and can also be triggered by it. However, nothing changes my love for him.
His Biggest Supporter
Oakley’s second birthday is just around the corner and I am already on guard for the “terrible two” comments. I know these will mostly come from people who don’t know what else to say, so there is room for grace. But, as y’all know about me, there is also room for educating. We have constantly been complimented on Oakley’s demeanor in public, as he is very extroverted and naturally friendly. But I do want to be careful to attach worth to the idea of him being “such a good boy” when he isn’t freaking out in Costco. He’s still a good boy, even when he’s having a hard time. Having a hard time doesn’t mean he’s bad and it certainly doesn’t mean he is purposefully trying to give us a bad time.
I’m someone who already values feelings and understands the overwhelm that can result of big emotions. I am practicing using my super powers even when I’m overstimulated and overtired. My son is counting on me to help him process his emotions and support him through the sometimes scary experience of feeling big emotions. These times don’t always come about when it’s convenient for me, but it becomes a unique opportunity for me… Will I do what comes naturally based on what I experienced or will I activate my super power of empathy? I want to be the support both he needs and I needed back when I was little.
It’s interesting to see this play out with adults around me. I see Zach’s frustrations, my mom’s realizations, my dad’s declarations, other family’s unsolicited, outdated advice… it all tells me more about the work that they’re doing (or not doing) internally. But I continue to enforce the guidelines that I think will be healthiest for Oak. It’s funny and sad and great how hard it is for me to stand up for myself, but how easy it is for me to stand up for Oakley. And him being shown certain things and being treated in certain ways are what will shape his view of himself, the world, and how he fits into it. So, I will be persistent in my boundaries for him.
Thankfully, I got my degree in Education, with a lot of experience in early childhood, and I feel passionate about continuing to learn. Children are precious and so impressionable and I want to be sure that— to the best of my conscious ability— I can give him what he needs to be successful. He’s just starting to combine 2 words together into phrases (like “Bluey Watch” or the heartbreakingly confident “Bye Mama”), but when he is able to communicate more specifically what he needs and wants, I plan to meet him where he is and work with him to help him grow and succeed.
View of Child
As an adult, I have a hard time mustering up the courage to speak up or speak out against ideas and situations I don’t like or disagree with. I sure have the courage to vaguely blog about it, but I’m still finding myself just watching it happen in real life. I tend to think “well, rules are rules” and that there’s no way to change them. And if there is a way, it’s impossible to reach as a young woman who cries when she’s stressed and watches Disney movies to relax. (Isn’t that mean to myself? Yes, yes it is.)
I link this damaging kind of thinking to the communities I was in— family traditions and old habits that were continued instead of reevaluated. Children were not respected. They weren’t allowed to say no, or mess up, or have big emotions. If rules weren’t followed or certain emotional states weren’t maintained, negative labels were given. It’s my hypothesis that a lot of these established social norms weren’t specifically decided on, but became what was expected anyways, without much thought into why.
I think this is how spanking has continued for as long as it has. But, thankfully, I think it’s on its way out.
As many studies show, spanking doesn’t actually work and can be damaging in a multitude of ways. Maybe the most damaging thing that comes to mind is the idea that “sometimes I deserve to be hurt.” Would it be okay to hit your grandma? Your mom? A neighbor? Your boss? Your assistant? Your partner? NO. But is it legal to hit your child? Yes. As if children aren’t people.
I want to be sure my son knows his worth as a person— even when he’s small, can’t speak English, and communicates through squeals and frustrated hits. I want his boundaries to be respected, his dreams supported, and his emotions unlimited by his gender! (Yeah, I sound liberal AF— Come for me!)
View of Parent
I am so pumped to be starting back up with therapy, not only for my own benefit but also for Oakley’s. I need to learn how to better process and handle my emotions so that I can be the steady, confident, supportive presence for Oak in times of stress. The above Instagram post really hit home. And even though my old therapist reminded me I will NOT be perfect and I WILL make mistakes, I do want to try my best to not be an unsteady, untrustworthy, explosive person in my son’s life.
I have to wonder how conscious our ancestors were of their effect on their children and their children’s children. Was it all just “respect your elders” and “make the family proud?” Was it always just “inherit and continue our cycle of problematic behaviors” or did they truly believe that the expected behaviors were the best and only way? For such a developed nation in the 21st century, we are just now coming into the mindset that mental health matters as much as physical health. I am hoping we as a society help this field of study move forward as rapidly as AI and self-driving cars and not as slow as development of male birth control or the lack of development on feminine products…
Ahem…I got a little off-topic there. Sorry, I will step down from that soapbox and onto another…
People claim that the world is cruel and they need to toughen up their kids to prepare them for the world. But this is backwards. How am I meant to know a good thing when I see it if I am never MODELED a good thing? Unconditional love is hard enough of a concept to grasp even when you have experienced it from one side or the other; it’s close to impossible to grasp if your childhood was lined with unreliable, unrelenting conditional love. This leaves us in a vulnerable state, not being able to tell if someone truly loves us because we can’t identify what love looks like.
“Treat your kids with so much love that if someone mistreats them, they will know immediately.” - Unknown
Loving your children isn’t enough. You have to show them you love them, not just claim. This is about showing understanding, treating them with respect, being interested in learning more about what they like, listening to them when they speak… and accepting them for who they are. If a child needs to be a certain version of themselves to gain the approval and positive attention of their parents, they are not experiencing unconditional love.
If little Oakley is angry and throwing things, I shouldn’t label him as bad and shame him for his outburst. I need to help guide him through those feelings and show him how to handle them affectively.
If teenage Oakley trusts me enough to be honest about his mistakes, I should not explode or start a lecture that ends in him being grounded. I need to make sure he knows his mistakes don’t change my view of him or limit what he is capable of doing in the future. And I surely don’t want my emotional reaction to make him fear being honest with me again.
If future Oakley should come out to me in the future, as gay or as trans, I should not tell him who he is. I need to meet him where he is, accept and love him for whoever he shows me he is, and make sure I tell him what all kids need to hear: “Nothing will change my love for you. I love and accept you for who you are. Whenever you need me, I am here.”
Parent-Child Relationship
There are many things I think are really important when it comes to parenting, things I want to try my best to do, however— I know I will make mistakes. My old therapist helped me realize statements like “I will never say that to my kid!” or “Only a terrible parent would do that!” are only harmful, as they set me up for feeling shameful when I do, inevitably, make an mistake. All I can do is try my best and lead them in the way I think they should go.
“If you want gentle kids, be gentle.
If you want kind kids, be kind.
If you want helpful kids, be helpful.
If you want patient kids, be patient.
If you want respectful kids, show them respect.”
— @WildflowerParenting on Instagram
Showing my kids the way I want them to go involves me modeling that behavior. To do that, I need to be honest with myself and dig deep. I am extremely honest with my therapist and my psychiatrist so that the “bad habits” I usually brush off can be dissected and understood. Why do I do the things I do? And are they good things? Am I okay continuing to do them and possibly passing them onto my children?
To heal and take care of ourselves is to heal and take care of the generations that come after us. If I have the strength to face what I’ve struggled with, it lessens the load that Oakley will need to work through. I want to be sure I have a healthy relationship with myself so I can model confidence, high self-esteem, and emotional intelligence. I want to model empathy, creativity, and working towards my dreams.
And to model these things, I need to practice them. I need to use healthy coping skills when I’m upset that model what I teach him. I need to make time for things I love to do so that he sees I make what I enjoy doing a priority. I need to compliment myself when I see her in the mirror or in a photo. Heck, I need to talk about myself in the most positive light possible.
Let’s talk about our children in the most positive light possible, especially in public. Emma Stone does this beautifully when she speaks of her 3-year-old in her Oscar speech, when she says her daughter “has turned their lives technicolor” and tears up as she declares her love for her for the world to hear, “I love you bigger than the whole sky, my girl.” What powerful words to give your child.
Being a Parent in Today’s World
This whole post is already longer than I originally planned, but I needed to add this last bit: We are not meant to do this alone. It truly does take a village. We are meant to raise families in communities and to not live life alone. We need to invite others in and invite ourselves in so that we can help each other, support each other, and experience life together. Parenting isn’t inherently overwhelming and lonely, but our world has made it that way.
If you’re struggling, with parenting or something else, do not continue your journey alone. The current state of the world makes things hard enough. We need to lean into our trusted friends and trusted family members. And that’s what I try to do. Zach and I work full-time and have a date night every week and we always have family watching Oak. It’s a huge help for us and Oakley gets to spend quality time with family. Spend your time bonding with people who care about you and your family and who you care about— the reward of connection will far outweigh the risk of rejection.
This week, Oak’s cousin (who usually hangs out with him when my sister-in-law watches him) was sick so I had an extra full day with my Oak. What a treat! It’s hard to be away from Oak so much and hard when I think of an extra day with him as a treat instead of a right or the norm. There is so much I want to teach him and so little time for me to teach him. (There’s that mom guilt again..) I’m praying for a change in my schedule to be able to have more days with him, but— until then— I will hold him close when we get home from our 9-5’s and I will know that he is my priority 24/7.
🌻ART SHOW & TELL🌻
I have been so inspired lately and have been writing so much! A lot of it is for my album though… 👀
I found a friend
That I want to keep
He won’t stop crying
He won’t let me leave
And he
Means everything to me
Time for some TLCCC💕
Treating myself to: A YITTY SWIMSUIT! I am slowly replacing all my bras with Yitty’s Nearly Naked Shaping Midi Bras. But my membership also helped me get a swimsuit from her newest collection for $20 off! (I swear this is not promotional— though hit me up— I just love this company!)
Listening to: I’M STILL GOING. It’s hard to give a rating on it still. I’m just in such an emo mood lately, this is just the soundtrack of my life. Top Songs RN are I Hate it Here, But Daddy I Love Him, Guilty as Sin?, thanK you aIMee, and Down Bad
Crafting: with my Oaky. He loves painting, though he wants to eat it still…
Craving: Tropical Smoothie Cafe 🍓 Zero Degrees 🧋 This gal likes her cold, un-carbonated drinks.
Caring SO much about: STOPPING MY PEOPLE PLEASING AND FACING THINGS HEAD-ON. Literally using the visual below to remind myself it’s only hard for a moment and then there’s relief.