Being Aware of the Need to Be Self-Aware
28: on being honest with those around me, support VS concern, and tips for myself & others
I always took pride in knowing how I was feeling and being able to communicate it fairly quickly.
And then I went to therapy.
I realized there were even deeper reasons why we all do what we do and it isn’t as easy as acknowledging some big traumatic event in your past and moving on. I have to reprocess all of those experiences in which I was without tools nor someone with tools to help me process. Every day, I understand more about myself, as well as what I need to do to become the best version of me. Not to change myself completely, but to collect tools to sharpen skills I already possess and round out corners that I keep running into. This ongoing work helps me have more grace for myself and others around me.
However, just because I can piece together the reasons why someone is acting the way they are doesn’t mean I will accept it when they choose NOT to put in the work to better themselves. I know so many people that just settle for getting by in life the way they always have. It’s a frustration I repress in conversations I have with these people. I’ll be chatting with someone at lunch and they’ll talk about the trials they face in life. And when I point out the idea that there could be a better way to live, I get responses along the lines of “it’s always been that way” or “that’s just who I am” or “that’s just how relationships go.”
And then it hits me: They don’t believe there is any hope for positive change in their lives. Maybe this is the best their life has been so far. Maybe they don’t know they can access a better way to live so they don’t ask for it. Maybe they’re stuck feeling like they don’t deserve it.
“Hold onto hope, if you got it. Don’t let it go for nobody.”
So, what do you do when you’re trying to save a friend from themselves? What do you do when you’re trying to help them learn new ways of living? How can you help them realize just how bright things can be when they’re accustomed to darkness?
I would love to know your thoughts!
Supporting a Friend
Everyone differs in their response to a problem. Some people turtle and hide while some people run. Some people face things head-on by themselves and some people lean on others. When you lean on others, there’s different ways someone can respond. Maybe it’s awkward or you feel overwhelmed by the task. Maybe you distance yourself from grieving people or you rush over with gifts and snacks and hugs upon hugs.
Of course, I can’t control how other people feel or how they react. I can only control myself. When someone tells me news about their life, shares something personal, or perhaps confides in me about a problem they’re facing, I really try to think about what my focus should be in my reply. Let’s say a friend of mine revealed a choice they made, maybe a risky move at work that they are excited about. In that moment, I must try to balance my own opinions and concerns with their obvious need and desire for support.
It’s been my experience that people as a whole have a hard time with this balance, myself included. Is my goal to give comforting support or express my concerns? Smothering or tough love? Both are two extremes with a definite middle ground I have a hard time placing. I usually find myself expressing support over concern, possibly because of my fear of rejection. It’s a struggle to air my grievances during the interaction. My goal is to build up my friends by complimenting and encouraging them, not through criticism or too-tough love. I don’t want my expressing concerns and personal opinions about my friends’ choices to damage my relationships with them.
Support Redefined
Without expressing concern, I lose the honesty needed to build a relationship on trust. However, without support, I lose the safety needed to allow vulnerability. Ideally, I would be able to healthily sprinkle in some concerns along with my supportive expressions instead of waiting until my concern outweighed any other topic in my mental queue.
It is true that sharing my honest concerns can be a way to support my friends. And being honest about my feelings is a way to support and honor myself. Finding a balance between the two is definitely my goal, but it’s a struggle. It’s been a constant reminder this week that I am allowed to speak straight, that I can be honest about my feelings, and having a different opinion doesn’t mean I deserve punishment. I’m trying hard to extend that to myself and to others around me that push my buttons.
“I’d like to give the benefit of doubt to those I just can’t get a read on.”
Concern Turned Judgement
As a receiver and/or constant bystander of many concerns too big for support to bloom, I find it really hard to find the love inside unsolicited advice and a holier-than-thou presence. Concern can quickly dissolve into perceived or actual judgement in the heart of the receiver. After this happens, middle ground becomes more difficult to come by.
Tone and phrasing is everything. You can say basically the same thing and come across completely different. I’ll try my best to give some examples here but it’s basically impossible without hearing them said aloud. Imagine the first example with a stern eyebrow and the changed response with caring curiosity.
“That place is way too dangerous for vacation.” can be changed to or proceeded by “Wow! What inspired you to be so adventurous?”
“I don’t think that’s a smart idea.” can be changed to or proceeded by “Have you been planning this for a while?”
“That’s concerning to me because…” can be changed to or proceeded by “I see you’re so excited about this. Tell me more!”
Okay Gabby, what’s up?
What’s up is that I care way too much about what others think. And maybe there’s more people like me out there, other HSPs with a shorter fuse for upsetting experiences. What can be an easy conversation for some can be deeply painful for others. What’s unifying and motivating for one person can be stifling and isolating to another. What can be viewed as clear truth can also be viewed as blurry lies.
Am I trying to prove that I’m therapy-fied enough to give you direction? No. Do I want to tell you what to do? Absolutely not. But I’m hoping that today someone reads this post all the way to the end and finally understands that the way they’ve been stomping around their metaphorical apartment is greatly affecting their metaphorical downstairs neighbors. This week, I implore you to think about the most sensitive hearts in the room. And this time, don’t dismiss them as the ignored minority, but permit them as other humans on this earth that need to be cared for.
Spread love, y’all ♥️
🌻ART SHOW🌻
Guys, the Whering app is kinda AMAZING. I am finishing up uploading photos of my closet and I am so excitedddd! 😍 I swear I’m not sponsored, I just like to put a bunch of work into taking photos of all my clothes to be able to plan outfits ahead of time. What do you think of my outfit choices? 😎
Time for some TLCCC 💕
Treating myself to: possibly a new razor… stay tuned lol 😝
Listening to: My playlists that help me sort through and listen to new (to me) music. There’s a lot of Paramore I still need to explore.
Crafting: our budget and our life strategy, as well as bridal party plans for 2 weddings I’m in, already planning my son’s next birthday, girls’ craft nights, a vision board night with my mom, and date nights with my husband. Also tons of scheduling for work. Plans plans plans! Gotta love em! 😃🙌🏽
Craving: Water? Well, I wish I was. I think I’ve been dehydrated since Dec 1.
Caring SO much about: strategizing my life!!! Seriously it’s the best. Highly recommend not continuing to charge through your life hoping for the best 👍🏽