Define Friendship
58: What makes some friendships last for only a season while others outlast them all?
In 5th grade, as part of an instructional written assignment, we were meant to explain how to do something, like how to make a PB&J or how to tie your shoes, but I wrote a piece entitled “How to Make A Friend.” This was not exactly what my teacher expected, but I think it ended up being her favorite (not to brag). My one lined piece of paper wasn’t filled with lazily unspecific directions, but instead heartfelt advice and encouragement on finding and keeping friends.
I find myself longing for Lil’ Gab’s wisdom today, as I text my mom to see if she kept my writing from Ms. Yarema’s class (I’ll let you know what she finds). I have too many questions.
How do you make a friend?
How do you stay friends when you live far apart?
How do you know someone is still your friend?
How do you know if you can trust someone?
How do I keep a friend?
I imagine Lil’s Gab’s responses would go something like these:
How do you make a friend?
Smile, ask how they’re doing often, and buy matching accessories so you think of each other!How do you stay friends when you live far apart?
Call them all the time, send letters, and make plans to see each other to look forward to.How do you know someone is still your friend?
When they’re nice to you, want to spend time with you, and care what you have to say.How do you know if you can trust someone?
They do what they say they’ll do.How do I keep a friend?
Always keep trying to connect with them.
“Through whoever you’ve been
Through whoever you’ll be
Through whatever you lose
You will always have me.”
What I Thought It Was
Since I was younger, I dreamt of having a friend group and being friends with all of them forever. They would all be my bridesmaids, we would live in the same city, and our kids would all grow up together. That’s not exactly how it happened. I found myself in many groups over the years— connected by being fellow nerds, classmates, cast mates, or all of the above— but none of them stuck together for the long-haul, because of our changing interests or personality squabbles, varying wildly in potency and impact. Even though I’ve never been broken up with romantically, I have had my fill of friendship breakups. And due to this, I have become wary of quick connections and increasingly suspicious of groups of three. It’s like I’m superstitious or something.
“And some of it’s just bad timing and shitty circumstances.”
When I was younger, friendships didn’t feel as complicated and that’s because they weren’t. You came to school, you played with friends you made on the playground, and then— if they continued being your cup of tea— you could invite them over, sometimes for sleepovers. The friends I had in grade school were just like me— silly, nerdy, and creative. “Embarassing“ was not a word in our vocabulary. In 6th grade, I had a nerdy friend group that connected over Twilight and, later, Kingdom Hearts. (If I find the photo, I may just post myself in an old cosplay— my “om nom xD” era, as one might say.) We each had a character we identified with and/or a vampire crush we claimed as the loves of our afterlives. Mei’s colorful and unique group of friends in Turning Red was so wonderfully accurate to my experience growing up.
Let’s be real, I’m Abby…
In high school, my friend groups were media students who I spent hours shooting, editing, and running around Downtown LA with. It felt like such an honor to contribute to something completely new with a group of talented fellow teenagers. Also in high school were my trusted drama club members that I rehearsed with every day after school for one act plays and big musicals. I can’t tell you how much I yearn to be on stage again, storytelling alongside people I care so much about. In college, I sang, toured, and recorded with an a cappella group. Harmonizing still feels like a portal to a magical dimension where I feel truly connected to those whose voices are mixing so deliciously with mine.
Being a part of something bigger than myself— that I believe in and want to see succeed— is always fulfilling. It feels big enough to fill this emptiness I sometimes feel. Really connecting with other people feels like my path towards joy.
Even though I do have friends that are still close to me after all these years, I’m not close to everyone I’ve ever been close with.
Some of those friends just had different interests than me, ones that naturally pulled us in different directions. There were no hard feelings or crushing goodbyes, and now there is a mutual respect. I have a friend from a past life I would feel more than comfortable reaching out to and grabbing lunch with.
Some of those friends drew lines in the sand. They didn’t trust me or I didn’t trust them. They changed or I did. They turned from me and I turned from them and we never looked back.
And still I have some friends who are still blurry. Their distance was introduced too suddenly, the crushing goodbye communicated— however unclearly— in the ways of radio silence. What did they think of me or want from me now?
What It’s Been
What do you expect from a friend?
Do you want your friends to be able to go out dancing with you on weekends or to see you once a month on a group craft night? Do you want friends that text you daily or only text you when there’s something really big going on? Do you want friends that come over for dinner, who bring their kids to play with yours, every other week? Do you want friends that you don’t call too often, but who you know in your heart you can always count on?
And— no matter what you want— how do you communicate that? How do you find someone who loves you enough and who you love enough to be what both of you want out of a friend? Are there some people who just aren’t meant to be friends— or do some people just have to work harder to make something work? Perhaps we have different friends to meet all these wants and needs but, if that’s the case, how many friends is enough?
Friendships are just a specific kind of relationship that needs defining. If everything is left up to assumptions, there is a lot of room for upset and confusion. Communication needs to happen, before our anxiety fuels our imagination to fill in the blanks.
If they don’t text you back, it means…
A. they’re extremely busy and forgot to reply, but want to!
B. they have crippling anxiety and can’t bear to type a reply.
C. they’re annoyed with you and don’t want to keep talking.If they say they love you, but aren’t there for you when you need them most…
A. they’re coincidentally dealing with their own issues and can’t help.
B. they do love you, but they lack the ability to show you in any way.
C. they don’t actually love you.
“Does it feel alright to not know me?
I’m addicted to the ‘if only.’”
When we talk about how we’re feeling and reveal our vulnerabilities, we risk getting hurt. But without this risk, there is no chance of deepening a connection. When big problems are left un-confronted, they will only grow and become harder and harder to ignore. In this fog of maybes and what ifs, we have no way of seeing each other.
Even if some people prefer this haze, it doesn’t prefer them.
While this skit is satire, I see hints of this no-stakes relationship throughout my life. I do think many men have a distinct disadvantage when in search for male friendships. Society hasn’t openly celebrated male vulnerability as they have male strength. This likely inspires men who care about “manly” appearances to avoid the depth and commitment needed for emotionally gratifying relationships.
At the same time, men who have come to embrace their “feminine” sides— or who are genuinely more compassionate by nature— struggle to find male friends that share the same sentiments, especially in conservative environments where societal gender norms are enforced and expected. I wonder if this is why, according to data from 2022, men are almost 4 times more likely to die by suicide than women.
According to this article, people who regularly feel emotionally supported by their friends were “far less likely to report feeling anxious or alone than those who do not.” Having regular contact with close friends gives you a circle of support not unlike a safety net. If things get tough, it’s hard to reach out to a friend you haven’t talked to in years. Those who work hard to maintain friendships regularly reap the benefits.
What It Is
“Friendship is an involuntary reflex. It just happens. You can’t help it.”
—Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother
There have definitely been times I have resigned to the feeling of hopelessness in a friendship, but the friendship still persevered. I do believe in some things just being meant to be. However, as much as I want to believe in BFFs, I see the data, displaying how many people find themselves alone as life goes on. Will I be another statistic? Just another old friend, forgotten or cast to the side as age and life harden and separate us?
I have friends that are moving to other states. I have friends that have just had children, who are still trying to get their heads back on straight. I have friends that are dealing with mental health issues, family strife, and marriage problems. Through all this, what do they need from their friends? I want to help, but do they want help? Do they have other supportive friends that will help? Am I not what they need right now or are they afraid to rely on me?
All the while, I have my own things going on.
Life is messy and humans make it even more complicated. It’s impossible to boil everything down to some easy, across-the-board rules, especially in regards to friendship. It all depends on the people involved and the phase of life those individuals find themselves in. But, if I were to give my philosophical two cents, I’d say that the effort put into the relationship is the biggest factor in its success.
So, what do you have to lose?
“Well, I might be bitter and twisted
and broken and petty and lying,
but at least I’m trying.”
🌻ART SHOW & TELL🌻
Time for some TLCCC💕
Treating myself to: therapy appointments out of pocket
Listening to: All the friendship-themed songs featured on this post.
“‘Cause I don’t wanna argue and I don’t wanna bite
My tongue, yeah, I think I’d rather die.
You got me misunderstood,
but at least I look this good.”
Crafting: I am doing a lot of drawing lately! I very much want to purchase an iPad (for a myriad of reasons including using Procreate) and I’m trying to start getting in the habit of drawing every day as well as writing.
Craving: milkshakes. My throat has been sore for TOO LONG.
Caring SO much about: keeping my streak on the Finch self-care app! Also— friends that care. They mean the most right now.