Don’t Call Me Kid // With Love from a Recovering Child
7: respect has no age minimum, but it sure seems to
I was between a few different topics this week as my emotions were on a thrill ride (oof), but I have landed on one idea in particular that I think could encompass all of it: feeling less-than. This is a feeling I struggle with and something I believe started in childhood for a whole bunch of reasons…
Once upon a time…
Lil’ Gab was a child, specifically the second youngest child on her dad’s side and the third on her mother’s. Even though I am the oldest of two girls, I think my being youngest in a big family changed my perspective of myself. And I realize a lot of people live that big family life, but the biggest detail to mention is that I grew up spending a lot of time with most of my family, as most of them lived in-state and were fairly close by. Even the ones out of state or country kept in touch and had relationships with us. Growing up the youngest meant my cousins were like older siblings and my cousin’s spouses were cousins to me too. So much family, so much advice, so much love.
In total, across 14 people I call aunt or uncle (including my cousins’ spouses), I have 27 cousins. And those cousins have 17 children across both sides. There is a LOT of people around me, which I am so so blessed and lucky to have. But like I said, I was one of the littlest on both sides. The oldest cousin I have is almost 45, an 18 year difference from me. The cousins closest to me in age are in their early thirties. Now that we’re all adults, I feel closer with many of them, but growing up, this was not a small age gap.
I honestly always felt like the smallest, stupidest person in the room. On my dad’s side, everyone was loud and roasting each other in a way my mind couldn’t even keep up with at the time. If I thought of something to say, there was already someone throwing jabs at someone else before I could squeak a syllable out. I laughed along to feel like I was a part of things, but would leave family gatherings with a headache, feeling tired and small. I learned I needed to be loud and confident more than I needed to be kind. On my mom’s side, we had lots of fun, but feelings were hardly ever talked about out in the open. I learned a family stuck together, but also…didn’t stick up for each other.
As a child, I was modeled what was normal through my family’s example and I wanted to mold myself to fit in and thrive in that environment. I think that need is biological- to be a part of a community and not be alone- I think that is within all of us at the core. As an adopted person, the need to be accepted in a group was amplified even more. The problem was- I was a child. How would I get the acceptance that only an adult could receive? I couldn’t. Not as a child in the majority of families in our current societal standards in the United States.
Children— and their presence, thoughts, and feelings— have traditionally and continuously been disrespected, belittled, and ignored throughout history.
Children are people.
Yet some parents are so confused when their children don’t want to hang out with them when they’re older or, conversely, why they are still living at home. As someone who worked in childcare most of my life, I heard many adults talking about displaying their dominance over their children- that the mark of a good child was their ability to listen to you without question and follow directions every time. What kind of people does that make them into? Either someone who is too afraid to stand up for themselves when they’re in an abusive relationship or someone so sensitive about being made to feel less-than that they have an unhealthy tendency to lash out. I would say I go back and forth. Children grow up hearing what they can’t do, what they’re not allowed to do, and how much they don’t know. At what point do parents start empowering their child to be an individual? And when will we realize as a society that parents are building the narrative that will become their child’s inner voice? What is worth saying that may echo in your child’s mind for the rest of their lives?
My heart aches for children who are overlooked just because they are children — even though they have ideas worth enacting, thoughts worth sharing, and feelings worth hearing about and processing through. I want to be the voice of this voiceless group because I used to be one of them. I have faced the consequences of how our society treats children— from having children in my classroom with behavioral issues I knew came from an absent or aggressive parent to my fear of people in authority over me. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been the youngest on my team in every job I have ever had. This feeling always finds a way to make itself relevant in my life.
I am a recovering child.
And man, aren’t we all? Just like the enneagram teaches, we all have wounds that were cut in childhood and are still healing. I want to shine a light on the plight of a child. No matter the separate traumas you had growing up, the things I list below didn’t help me and I’m sure only exaggerated the separate issues I was facing. Let me know in the comments if you relate to any of these points.
My Interests
I have been told over and over again what Adult Me would be like. That someday creative, dancy lil’ Gab would cocoon and emerge as a beautiful business woman with no desire to sing silly songs or dress up like a wizard on the weekends. I honestly expected that day to come— until one day, I realized I was a full-ass adult with a job and a husband who still enjoyed the hobbies, books, and entertainment I have enjoyed since my youth. Am I still spending my time watching Barbie movies and theorizing Harry Potter lore? Yes. Am I still crafting with double-sided tape and wondering what nerdy tattoos I should get next? Yes. I know my parents came from a generation that was expected and pressured into prematurely growing up, but it took me a while to realize “childish” hobbies didn’t make me a child. Even when I worked as a teacher, I kept my gamer girl status a secret because my whole team would talk about what a waste of time video games were and how there were so many other productive things to do. Everyone’s interests are different and the human experience is full of variety, yet there is still such shame in liking what you like. Just because certain shows were made for Cartoon Network doesn’t make them any less entertaining or inspiring than something made for HBO (or MAX now, I guess). I find meaning in Disney content that is mainly geared towards kids. I think quality art can lose out on well-earned praise and respect just because of its target audience. I have always held to the opinion that people who are unable to enjoy watching a children’s movie do not have access to their inner child, which is sad.
My Thoughts and Opinions
I often got into debates with my dad when I was younger. I tried to know my stuff even back then, but I was doomed from the start. Because my thoughts and opinions were those of a child, and therefore did not matter or hold weight to my dad in the way his own thoughts and opinions did. I think a lot of adults run into this- whether it be with political policy, social issues, or something less dire. Adults will dismiss the careful and insightful thoughts and opinions of those we consider children mostly off the basis that they are children. But aren’t kids affected by the choices made by the adults in power— in and out of our homes? Aren’t children experiencing a life they should be allowed to speak to and take control of to some degree? My hope is for parents reading this to view their children as people, just like their adult friends and just like them. Children’s thoughts, questions, and opinions are worth hearing, worth talking through, and hold so much value. I wish I could tell my younger self that.
My Feelings
How universal is it to hear the phrase “You don’t know what real {insert real emotion} is?” Has it been implied or spoken to you? It has to me. So much gaslighting for absolutely no reason! Think about the idea of feeling a big emotion for the first time. That sounds so concentrated and intense! Wouldn’t you want someone you love to come validate your experience and walk you through a trial-run of that feeling? For me, as a very sensitive and emotional Gab, that would have been life-changing. It makes sense that feelings and emotions would be overlooked by our society’s adults because they have yet to deal with their own emotions. I am so proud to be one of the first generations to be open to therapy and learning the importance of mental health, but there is a lot of work to be done with de-stigmatizing the topic. One of the simplest ways we can start welcoming mental healthcare into our lives is by not dismissing the feelings of children. All children will become full people one day, but their EQ will not be built at the same rate as their IQ, leaving them to struggle socially and emotionally.
Some kids’ parental figures try to scare the big feelings out of their kids. They communicate that there is something wrong with their child’s feelings. Maybe it’s the length of time they are getting upset, the size of their reaction, or simply the existence feelings that they don’t understand. Maybe their caregivers ignore outbursts, downplay pain, or compare their child’s stress to something “worse” that could happen. All of these strategies only result in little T trauma that the child will need to work through in therapy someday with safer adults. And even good intentions to protect a child from suffering can be hurtful. If you never learn how to deal with hard emotions, you’ll always be overpowered and controlled by them. Emotions, like the waves on the shore, come and go.
My Existence
As a 4w3 on the enneagram, Lil’ Gab found herself trying to feel special through success. I got straight A’s, I would sing at the talent show, and I was good at talking to people. I lived for praise and, dang, I had a lot to live for. The more work I did the more love I could earn from the people around me. #WorthIt—Right? I was doing everything apart from 13-Going-On-30-ing into a full adult, but that still didn’t change what respect I could receive as a child. Almost no adults I came across knew what to say to me. Nice ones could only say I was growing big and they were proud of me. The meaner ones made sure to remind me that I was just a kid and what I thought was hard now wasn’t really hard at all. NEWS FLASH: I have done EMDR therapy to help me process my childhood memories like that one in therapy. So, it was that hard. It could have been just another Tuesday for both of us, but it was instead a traumatic memory for me. They could have supported me in my processing as the more mature person in the room, but instead belittled me. It’s extremely difficult to be constantly reminded that your struggles are less-than. All of a child’s behaviors makes sense when you take the time to talk them through and understand them.
As a mother…
Our society’s way of interacting with children makes me worried for my son. I am thankful he is chill AF but what if he wasn’t? What if he isn’t in the future? I worry about childcare workers or even his own extended family invalidating his feelings. What if something is said while I’m not around that makes my son not want to talk to me about his feelings? What if trusted adults tell him to “stop crying” or that he “doesn’t have to be sad?” Will he get an overall message that certain feelings are better kept inside?
In therapy, I have gone over how I can’t protect my son from trauma, but I can be the one to offer him space to express it and support him through it. As a child, my big emotions were painted as wrong and bad and this feeling of being wrong has always stayed with me. It’s hard to stand up for myself in the moment because my default is to submit to the feelings of others. My default is to think I am not actually having a hard time because I don’t know what that is.
Is this relatable?
What pet names are you okay with people calling you? Weird question, I know. Who are you comfortable with calling you “honey” other than maybe your parent or your partner? Because for me and people I have talked to:
Being called buddy? Demeaning.
Being called sweetheart? Also demeaning.
Being called a child? When is that not demeaning?
People have this opinion that kids are subhuman, meant to be looked down on. We find it so offensive to be talked down to and compared to children because we don’t want to be in that powerless state again.
Celebrating my Inner Child
I think there was a large part of me that was actively embarrassed about being a kid while I was still a kid. It may just come with the territory, but I have been trying to heal that part of me. So many experiences required me to act older than I was emotionally. I wanted so badly to mature and to be seen as respectable, that I feel like I lost out on fully enjoying parts of my youth. My whole life I have been viewed as a baby to many people. It has fed into this narrative that I am worth less, am less respectable, less responsible, not as capable, and less intelligent than others. I’ve tried to play the part of an adult to avoid being called a child. But now, my desk at work is lined with Disney characters and my purse is full of Pop-It Pets. I am healing Lil’ Gab by enjoying them without shame!
But now, not only am I questioning my mindset; I am also questioning the society that formed that mindset.
I remember the first time I felt like more than a kid at a family function. It was at one of my cousin’s weddings when I was a junior bridesmaid for the first time instead of a flower girl. The bride and another cousin (I looked up to both immensely) were dancing through the choreographed number from Beyonce’s “Single Ladies.” It was such a fun yet mature performance in my eyes. I wanted to be a part of it so badly because I had been rehearsing this dance myself, but I didn’t want to insert myself where I wasn’t wanted or welcome as a kid. However, after the bridge, I bravely made my way out to the middle of the dance floor, circled by family squealing with surprise, and danced my lil’ heart out. I was praised by many family members in the same way my older cousins were. It felt like a huge transition in my life, like the quinceanera I never had.
But it shouldn’t take smooth dance moves or any show of maturity to prove myself to others. I wish I could genuinely be myself, “childish” traits and all, and still get the respect I deserve as a person in the world. I hope after reading this, you try to talk to a child about what they’re interested in and really listen. If you’re a parent, I hope you try to understand the feelings of your child and help them navigate them. And, last but not least, if you have yet to hang out with your inner child, I would schedule a day to get to know them and take them to any ice cream place they desire. You can thank me later.
love you & your openness, gabby 🩵
I have fond memories of our time together growing up — especially as someone who never had a sister or any cousins in the same area. I think the birthday party was a joint effort for me & Roni as April babies when y’all came to TN.