Holi-DOs & Holi-DON’Ts of the Holidays
76: How to tell if you’re on the naughty or nice list
What is often nicknamed the “most wonderful time of the year” by radio stations, commercials, and— well— me, is not always a wonderful time of year for everyone.
I read that the author of a dead mom memoir I just finished (Dancing at the Pity Party) just lost her dad before the holidays. One of my friends spent their first Christmas away from their abusive family and the holidays brought up mixed emotions of relief and grief. And even though I am blessed to have a lot of my family still with me, I am also burdened by the expectations and judgements of those family members, which is difficult as many of them have not done the work to become self-aware or genuinely empathetic.
I’m someone who REALLY loves Christmas. I decorate the day after Halloween and take decor down sometime well into January. I happily skip around on Black Friday buying gifts, excited to wrap them all beautifully and show my friends I care. I share Buddy the Elf’s affinity with elf culture and own so many holiday sweaters, we have a dedicated box for them in our garage. But, unfortunately, all of my holiday traditions— even the Christmas movie advent calendar we nearly completed with around 50 movies included— were not enough to ignore the un-merry, un-jolly feelings I experienced over the holidays.
![Elf: The Classic Illustrated Storybook [Book]](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!KMCX!,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff4936763-1d0c-485f-9cf4-6ad42be7307e_2105x2560.jpeg "Elf: The Classic Illustrated Storybook [Book]")
As a way to process the Grinchily problematic happenings around me, I decided to turn this post into a DOs and DON’Ts list. How can we spread Christmas cheer in more ways than singing loud for all to hear? How can we turn family gatherings into a source of warmth that has nothing to do with chestnuts roasting on an open fire? How do we love each other well over the holidays?
I am not hear to label people as Grinches or give them a permanent spot on the Naughty List (hell, even the Grinch doesn’t have a permanent spot!), but I am hoping this guide can help those who maybe don’t notice how negatively their behavior affects others. I truly believe there is room for everyone on the Nice List, if they only open themselves up to growing.
You may be on the NAUGHTY LIST if you…
1) Don’t give presents with a giving heart.
Nothing makes my heart drop like seeing someone open a gift that was given out of spite. In How The Grinch Stole Christmas, the mayor of Whoville (the real villain of this movie) gifted his girlfriend a diamond engagement ring and a CAR while he gifted the Grinch a razor. To the unknowing observer, a razor was a harmless gift, if not a little funny as it definitely poked at the Grinch for being extra hairy (we all know, I know how that goes). But in reality, the mayor was gifting the Grinch a razor knowing full well that it would serve as a traumatizing reminder of the day he was shunned by his community and encouraged to remove himself from society altogether because of his differences.
Just because you give someone a gift doesn’t mean it’s nice. And just because you gave someone a gift, doesn’t mean they need to be thankful. This holiday season, I was shocked by the amount of gifts I saw were given out of spite or as a way to flaunt favoritism. This is especially clear when a Secret Santa goes above and beyond for one family member and the bare minimum with another. Instead of passive-aggressively gifting to send a message, talk things through with your family members. Even if it’s hard. When you’re at the bottom, there’s no way to go but up.
2) Spread Christmas jeers instead of Christmas cheer.
Unfortunately, the gift of inspiring insecurities has become increasingly popular, especially with older generations. Continuing to pass down generational trauma— whether it be projecting body image issues or pointing out what they believe younger family members’ flaws are— is not a way to make family feel welcome or loved. Too often, I am seeing what was bravely expressed in an attempt at vulnerability being thrown back in disappointment or disgust.
If a bulk of your conversations surround someone’s recent weight gain or how many boyfriends someone went through in 2024, I would implore you to check yourself. Judgement is not a way of showing love, no matter what Great Aunt Susie says. There is a lot of education that goes into changing one’s mindset toward inclusion and celebration of differences, but it is possible and worth working towards… if you want to better yourself to benefit those you love.
3) Don’t respect the children in the room.
The holidays are a time children can have loads of fun. They get to see family (cousins they can’t wait to see!), eat more cookies than usual (thanks Santa!), and unwrap presents from their loved ones (thanks, loved ones!). However, there are lots of adults out there with children in their families that threaten the joy of their season. In the show Bluey, the parents put great effort into hearing and respecting their children’s needs and wants, while still instilling in them a sense of empathy (above photo). Sadly, I see many adults at family gatherings dismissing the wants and needs of children in annoyance or to preserve their own comfort.
When Oakley played too hard with his female cousin, there was an attempt to explain away his behavior instead of holding him accountable for it. “Boys just play like that. Don’t cry.” This would negatively affect both children in this scenario as Oakley wouldn’t learn how to play nicely and his cousin’s valid hurt feeling would be dismissed. He would think it was okay that he made her cry and his cousin would think boys were allowed to treat her badly.
I stepped in right away to assure his cousin that she was right to be upset that she was hurt and I let Oakley know she was hurt and he needed to check if she was okay. Along with other instances of heavy sarcasm that confused the kids and name-calling to explain away behavior (“She’s being such a brat because she’s tired. Stop being such a brat!”), I found myself dizzy from all the course-correcting I would need to do after the holidays.
4) Are being mean to yourself over the holidays.
Many people take pride in their ability to successfully navigate the hustle and bustle of the holidays. And then— while buying gifts for everyone, planning and preparing multiple Christmas feasts, and planning all the games and activities for the week— those same people declare that they’re glad Christmas is over on December 26th. If you race through the holidays, taking care of everyone but yourself, it’s no wonder you find Christmas a difficult time of the year.
When you make it your goal to meet the presumed expectations you think everyone has of you, you end up hosting a party you don’t get to enjoy and preparing food you’re too busy to eat. Having boundaries is a gift to yourself as well as those around you. When you have limits for your time and energy, you feel your best and you get to enjoy the holidays.
Your family and friends feel your stress. When you start taking care of yourself, your family will benefit from having access to a joyful, relaxed version of you that is fully present with them at the table.
5) Think appearing to be nice is the same as being kind.
As the witch in Into the Woods once sang, “You’re so nice. You’re not good, you’re not bad. You’re just nice.” I know lots of charismatic people who can work a crowd and make you laugh, but being nice is not the same thing as being kind.
I saw family members at one of the events this week shame another family member for not reacting correctly to the news that someone was engaged. Their expectations for their behavior led to gossip among the family and pain and isolation for the one perceived as reacting incorrectly. Did they stop to think why this person’s reaction was this way? Did they stop to consider misunderstanding, confusion, or personal feelings of envy or even heartache?
My mom spent many holidays wanting children and not having them. Were those same people angry at her way back then for not reacting in the best way to their news of pregnancy with their second or third child? When you lack empathy, you leave people feeling unseen and misunderstood. So many people are going through struggles no one knows about. Being kind is so necessary, especially around the holidays. So, next Christmas, when you chat with a cousin, assume the best of them, even if they don’t say all you would want them to.
There’s room for everyone on the NICE LIST who…
1) Apologizes and changes their behavior.
In The Christmas Carol (the best version is the Muppets version), Ebenezer Scrooge is unkind, ungenerous, and simply terrible to be around. He doesn’t realize the impact of his actions until he is famously visited by 3 ghosts. Don’t wait until you’re a grumpy old man to reflect on your life and make your first fully conscious choices for good.
I’ve heard many people excuse their problematic behavior by proclaiming that it’s “just the way they are.” We have a personality that cannot be changed, but our feelings and the way we express them are always changing. We have certain tendencies that aren’t always the healthiest, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t always be working to know more than we did the day before. As a therapist once told me, we can’t think of it like changing who we are as much as it is growing who we are.
Mending relationships can be difficult and sometimes certain people are only in your life for a season, but the only way to give any relationship the best chance is to reflect on your part in its brokenness. You can’t control other people, but you can control yourself and the actions you take towards repair. If you’re truly doing the work to become aware of the role you play in your own life and the life of others, growth becomes a way you show love to yourself and those around you.
2) Gives from the heart.
Klaus is one of my new favorite Christmas movies as it gives us a whole new take on the Santa Claus origin story. In different ways, a town in the middle of nowhere struggles through life, continuously at odds with each other. Everything changes when the man who becomes Santa Claus gifts a toy to a child for the first time. As he says later in the movie, “a true selfless act always sparks another.”
A lot of my old coworkers used to be against Elfster just because they liked the idea of people knowing them well enough to get them presents without help. For me and many of my family members, using our Elfster lists and gifting things each of really like is a way to show each other love, especially for those who have a hard time buying gifts. (It is truly a skill!) I received many gifts from my list that made me feel loved and known by those who gifted them to me. It’s especially fun to see what certain people pick out from my list to give to me. (Like a giant stuffed beaver hehe)
My cousin Landon is one of my favorite people. One of the reasons why is because of who he reveals himself to be at Christmastime: a real-life Santa Claus! It’s a family joke that he’s never denied…. suspicious! ;) All jokes aside, Landon uses what he has to purchase thoughtful gifts for everyone in our entire family. I cried opening my gift from him this year because— even though it wasn’t on my Elfster or in my expectations— it reflected how well he knew me and supported what I love to do. And that’s something that is not simply bought at a store; it’s given from the heart.
3) Remembers the little things.
Christmas is a holiday I feel I had the privilege of experiencing the magic of as a child. Getting up on Christmas morning, getting a special breakfast (French toast or cinnamon rolls), and spending time together as a family really made the holiday season what it is to me now. I know that all these small things are really the reason for the magic of the season and will be sure to pass those traditions onto Oakley. My parenthood is his childhood and I continuously try my best to make the simplest moments memorable.
I was so thankful that we got to spend Christmas day together as a family, just the 4 of us (Kiki included). We ate French toast, watched Santa Claus 2 and 3, and actually got to have a 2-hour family nap in the middle of playing with all of Oakley’s new toys. The cherry on top of this magical morning was our friend being a real-life Santa for Oakley by gifting him an Oakley-sized Lightning McQueen drivable car. It was truly so wonderful of them and it felt so special to see Oak get a gift that I really felt was from Santa.
But one of my favorite memories from the day was my mom being moved to tears when I put on her favorite movie Love Actually on Christmas night. I had saved that movie to watch with her and was so thankful I did. Something small, as small as a single bell from Santa’s sleigh, can mean everything.
4) Brings chocolate fountains to the family gathering.
I think a big part of my love for food comes from the love that surrounds it. Food is culture, it’s tradition, and— especially if it’s homemade— it’s the result of a labor of love. I had a lot of great food over this holiday and the best-tasting food wasn’t the food a private chef prepared or that someone catered, it was the food that brought me closer to others in love.
I loved sharing Doordashed sushi with my sister-in-law, connecting through our sons and our deep care for them. I so enjoyed my other sister-in-law bringing a dark chocolate fountain to the celebration, inspiring family members to gather around and share her love for chocolate. I also appreciated the smash burgers my husband and his dad grilled for us after hours of preparation. But my favorite food this year had to be my mom’s lasagna.
My Grandma Kathy passed away 5 years ago, but my mom has made a tradition of following her lasagna recipe every year around the holidays. Even though my mom’s least favorite work is in the kitchen, my mom dearly misses my grandma and gladly honors her memory with two mega-huge yummy pans of Italian goodness.
5) Works hard to make everyone a part of the holiday.
Life is hard and the holidays can bring out a lot of unexplained hurt. People who seem grumpy, anxious, or uncomfortable likely have a lot of backstory that makes sense of their behavior. Some people need space. Some people need time. Some people need extra attention or less attention. Some people need grace. And some people need acceptance for where they are right now, even if it isn’t what you think is best. Everyone has a heart that is waiting to be known and hoping to be loved.
There’s a saying that instructs us to treat others how we would want to be treated. This is fine and good until we let this idea eclipse when others are telling us how they want to be treated. Setting and honoring boundaries is a way to respect and love those around you. If someone matters to you, truly take others’ needs and wants into consideration— no matter their age, how they’re related to you, or how your desires and preferences align with theirs. So, avoid that topic, use those preferred pronouns, ask about their passions and listen, and love on people in the way they’ll feel it most.
“The love we found, we carry with us, so we’re never quite alone.”
It brings me a lot of peace to post this this week. While I do think it’s important to express what we’re grateful for over the holidays, I believe all feelings are valid and worth acknowledging. If you’re not feeling particularly jolly or if there are systems at play at the family Christmas party that are causing you pain, ignoring those problems by stamping a Band-Aid of gratitude over them isn’t helpful. It only prolongs the hurt when we don’t stop to process how hurtful it was.
Gratitude, when practiced correctly (willingly and truthfully along with the regular processing of emotions), can be very healthy; however, we must be aware of toxic positivity as it can be very dangerous and invalidating to tell someone to look on the bright side if the dark is their reality.
So, next holiday season, take it all into account. Check in with yourself and others around you. How are you/they feeling? How do you/they want the season to feel? And if there are differing preferences, find a compromise. No forcing. No blaming. Just do your best to help everyone feel loved by communicating your feelings while respecting their choices.
Thanks for reading my after-Christmas Christmas post.
I hope you have a super happy new year! :)
Weekly Subscriptions & Cancellations💁🏽♀️
the ideas and soundtracks I want running in my head, or not.
🙋🏽♀️SUBSCRIBED to:
weekly therapy, especially after the holidays…
Writing my blog at the library!!! It was such a good decision as I was able to write my first draft all in one writing block!
Cultivating a better moral motivation.
Our annual anniversary trips— coming up next week!
🤦🏽♀️UNSUBSCRIBED from:
Calling myself a Christian. Right now, it doesn’t feel comfortable or good to do so.
Oak watching Youtube with other family members. There’s just too many things out there that I think are overstimulating and addicting. #ParentAgainstCocomelonCore
Melatonin. Magnesium has been helping me a lot without the headache.
Shaving my legs, maybe ever again. Tried it out on a whim for New Years and INSTANTLY regretted it.
🌻Show & Tell: More Library Books!🌻
I really love the library. The end.
Again, let me know if they’re tough to read!
Time for some TLCCC💕
Treating myself to: A New Year’s Party with our friends! 🎉
Listening to: “You have to know there’s something wrong when your senses and the voices around you and everything life’s already taught you about where to put your faith and trust is pushing the other way.”
Crafting: journals for the new year & my December collage— which I posted as what I intend to be my last Instagram post.
Currently Reading: I AM NOT A LABEL! by Cerrie Burnell— just finished it and I am obsessed.
Caring SO much about: the single mom the Queer Eye cast basically brought back to life!! Zach and I were sobbing along with Jeremiah!
Oh my gosh! Jeremiah and the whole season!