“If you can’t say it at Christmas, when can you, eh?” ❤️
22: let’s talk about the different love languages we all have in the cuddliest season of the year and how the cost of love doesn’t need to break the bank
“I love the winter weather so the two of us can get together.”
Love is actually my favorite.
Christmas is such a cozy, wonderful time of the year. The glow of the lights on the tree and the magic of the season feel protective and safe. Christmas is a season that inspires closeness and the show of affection. It’s a time to be genuine, to love on those you love, and to be together. Nothing beats these cooler AZ days where a sweater is finally appropriate and I get to rush home to cuddle up in blankets with my family and watch a Christmas movie.
As a part of a Christmas movie advent calendar of my own invention, I watched my mom’s favorite holiday movie this week. That is none other than Love Actually, a movie for all ages that involves a fair amount of cursing, sex, and nudity. Actually is actually a very heartwarming British romcom that explores most every type of love there is and it is perhaps the first— and best— of its kind when it comes to a variety of crossover storylines in one film. It’s a movie that inspires my innocent mother to quote, “Let’s get pissed and watch porn!” and, this year, it also sparked some really deep conversations about love.
“And the heart I know I’m breaking is my own, to leave the warmest bed I’ve ever known.”
Love can actually be quite messy.
As we watched the movie, we came across the dreaded plot point where good ol’ Professor Snape buys a romantic gift for his flirty receptionist instead of his wife. Of course, he’s in the wrong, but we started pondering whether he had real intent to cheat on his wife or genuinely thought a necklace could be harmless until it was too late. How often are we hurting each other due to our carelessness? How often are expectations or comfort zones not communicated? How often are we stumbling around just trying to feel something? It’s hard not to want to have empathy for the beloved Alan Rickman.
We continued the debate on just how aware short-haired Severus was on his road to marital ruin, but I continued thinking about the gift of a necklace and how simple and unsexy it was in actuality. Did the gift mean anything to him? It’s not entirely clear. But did it mean something to the ladies involved? Yes indeed. Even a small gesture can mean a lot— depending on the person you’re asking. I’m sure you’ve heard of the Five Love Languages but if you haven’t, here’s how mine currently rank:
These are my unique results from the “official” online quiz found at the link above. Every person in the world would rank these displays of love differently and it’s harder to guess than you think (for other people that aren’t openly putting written word on a pedestal). Be sure to find out your lover’s language of choice because not communicating in the love language your partner responds to can cause a lot of miscommunication and disconnection. I can’t help but conclude that Emma Thompson’s character’s love language is receiving gifts, but she had accepted that her husband was a terrible gift-giver and settled for trusting his marital vows of love and commitment over her need for gifts. It must have been the ultimate betrayal for her to find out her husband finally learned how to buy a romantic gift, but only to buy the affection of another woman.
“It’s love’s illusions, I recall. I really don’t know love at all.”
Love actually costs everything… and nothing.
Within times of giving like birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Day, and Christmas, it’s impossible not to spend money or buy a gift, but showing love does not always mean reaching into your wallet. In fact, I think each love language lends you what you need to show love to your partner, without any loans necessary.
When your partner’s love language is physical touch, love comes at the cost of vulnerability.
When your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, love can cost as little as some paper and a pen you already own.
When your partner’s love language is quality time, love’s cost is obviously your time but also your undivided attention.
When your partner’s love language is acts of service, love comes at the cost of your labor.
When your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, love can come at the cost of the gift, but also comes at the cost of time spent thinking of your partner and what they’d like.
All of these love languages cost more time than money and we all have time to spare. It can be difficult if your partner’s way of receiving love isn’t what comes naturally to you, but it is so so necessary to learn. When you love someone, it’s well worth it to learn a new way of loving. What’s the point of showing someone love in a way they won’t be able to receive it? What a waste of everyone’s time! We all were taught to “treat others how we want to be treated” but we need to treat others how they want to be treated, how they’ve asked us to treat them. Love and respect can really only be defined by the receiver.
(This is the best clip I found, so you must click to watch on Youtube!)
Love actually is all around.
Life is the best romantic dramedy out there. (Shoutout to God for making things interesting!) Like the first and last scenes in Love Actually, I see so many snapshots of love around me:
I see long-held traditions joyously continued by close-knit family and I see family hesitantly welcome back an estranged puzzle piece.
I see new parents struggling to find themselves in their new parental identities and I see empty-nesters struggling to redefine once again.
I see marriages where love is on mute and marriages where love is the celebrated centerpiece.
I see love that’s been lost, in divorce papers or death certificates.
I see love that’s being felt for the first time, or the first time in a while.
Love for your child, love for your siblings, love for an old friend… the types of love are endless. I feel so lucky to be a human and be a part of all of them. Relationships and connecting with others is truly the meaning to life. And lately, maybe because it’s Christmas, the weight of that reality feels even greater.
“I’m Actually Yours.”
Being honest because it’s Christmas is a repeated concept throughout Love Actually. I can’t help but joke that it must be Christmas every day here at Gabbin’ Away Again, because it’s always time for me to share my heart.
I couldn’t be more thankful for what I have. I’m not saying everything’s perfect or that I’m able to rest in the fact that I’m loved every day, but I feel so thankful to be loved. As someone who dealt with relinquishment trauma, who wasn’t sure she could be loved for who she was— flaws and all— being accepted and celebrated in my relationships is all I ever need and dream of. And because of learning to communicate my top love languages (Words of Affirmation and Receiving Gifts) and the needs that spring from them, my relationships have been so much more fulfilling.
This week, we found out our neighbor’s wife died unexpectedly. She was around my same age and it was completely out of the blue. Police lights blasting through our dark house, my anxiety grabbing onto every paranoid scene in my imagination, I had a difficult time recovering from the idea of losing my spouse. It’s hard for me not to push past a healthy amount of empathizing and feel as if I have experienced a loss of similar magnitude. But I can’t help but lean back into love.
“It can’t all be sorrow, can it? I’ve always been alone, so I don’t feel the lack. It’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve never experienced loss because I’ve never had a loved one to lose. But what is grief, if not love persevering?”
Even in the fear and the grief, in anger and frustration, and of course in joy and laughter, there is love. And to know the joy that love brings is unlike anything else. The absence of it, though terrible, is still a privilege to have experienced it in the first place; which is why maybe the most important thing we need to do for those we love is make sure they know it—without a shadow of a doubt— while we still have them in our arms.
“God only knows what I’d be without you.”
Time for some TLCCC
Treating myself to: a new (to us) car 🚙 Very much needed 😅
Listening to: My 2023 Spotify Wrapped (And yes, there is a ton of TSwift on there. What of it??)
Crafting: Paper Snowflakes! ❄️ 🤩
Craving: water? Lol I have been continuously dehydrated this week.
Caring SO much about: Ted Lasso, as I have finally started watching it! I truly thought this was going to be a stupid sports show but I am LOVING this. I guess I am a football fan past the guy on the Chiefs. ⚽️🏈
Thanks for reading!
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