I’m Afraid of the Dark
38: musings on my biggest fears, chats about arachnophobia and dying, & the idea of overcoming vs running away
“I’m okay but I’ll get scared anyway.”
Whenever I tell people I hate small talk, I say I would rather talk about stuff that’s real. Don’t tell me about what you do for work, tell me about your deepest fears. And so I shall now practice what I preach.
Warning: I talk about death in this post, along with fears I have that might also be yours. No pictures that are triggering, I don’t think, because I am sensitive as hell.
LET IT BE KNOWN that these are my legit real fears. It’s always a good look at someone’s character if I tell them something would not be appropriate to joke about and they STILL joke about it. So, to be clear, the topics I talk about here are my REAL fears and this is NOT an invitation to plan pranks involving these topics. I think that’s all I need to say there.
Anyways….
I’m Afraid of a Lot
I really am. As a highly sensitive person, I seriously cannot handle much. I was just telling Zach this week about a terribly sad news story that makes me worried every time I drive under overpasses and Zach was like “When did you see this news story?” because we do not watch the news and don’t have cable. And I replied, “Probably like 12 years ago.” That’s what’s up, people. My brain latches onto these things and never lets them go. I forget about that terrible news story until I see an overpass. Then, I scan the bridge overhead to make sure no one is there trying to drop things on my car…
What I’m saying is I can’t handle do horror movies. I can barely do mildly intense movies. Everyone’s running to see Dune 2 in theaters, but I am sitting comfy, waiting for it to come out on streaming so I can pause, take breaks, and take myself out of the seemingly very high intensity plot line. I don’t like getting scared for free; I am definitely not going to pay to get scared. I can get scared plenty— on my own thinking about very normal things. Like…
WHALES
In deciding on a photo, I needed to avoid realism and add a cute little cartoon whale from one of my favorite shows instead. It’s so cute and small!
I had a reoccurring dream as a child about watching myself waking up in my bed, sitting up, and then a whale crashing through the roof of my house and squashing me in my bed. I think this dream was both brought on because of the fear and the reason for the deepening of my fear. Whales are huge— TOO big, I’d say. I think just the idea that whales existed and could totally kill me on accident bred this irrational fear. If things are that much bigger than me, they should exist on a different timeline than me, not in the same ocean as me.
I have been on tons of cruises and swam in the ocean but we stayed in shallow water or above water in a ship that could rival a whale. I did go on a smaller boat once 2 years ago knowing whales lurked beneath the waters and we would “likely get to see them— possibly right next to our boat,” but I did this amazing thing my body does when it’s overwhelmed: I fell asleep until we arrived. According to Google, my fear could be classified as thalassophobia (the fear of the vastness of the ocean and/or the creatures within in) or plain ol’ cetaphobia (the intense fear of whales), but I’m not sure how intense the fear is if I still rode that Alaskan boat out into a whale-infested, no-signal area of the ocean.
SMALL HOLES
Stupidly, looking up many of these fears brings up the photo of the very thing I don’t want to see. In this case, looking up Trypophobia brings up photos of an extreme amount of small holes. I’m not talking about the photo I linked from the movie Holes (though that used to scare me for a whole different reason), but I chose that over a photo I would have a really hard time looking at while writing.
Basically, I have a physical reaction to photos of clusters of small holes or bumps. I am talking about honeycombs and close up photos of pores. They honestly make me nauseous. It’s just so disgusting to me, I can’t stand it. I am not sure where this fear started and would like to look into this more, but every time I search, the photos pop up so— case closer, I guess.
THE DARK
I have always been afraid of the dark. Never quite grew out of it. Almost grew more into it, it seems. I have a hard time with cinematic intensity and a lot of that movie intensity comes from or out of darkness. If the lighting in my house mimics the cinematic, frightening darkness of a movie (ahem— or a certain scary comic), I have a hard time venturing through my house at night. This is mostly just due to my big imagination and the idea that something might resemble a scary part of something I’ve seen before.
I don’t like the look of a flashlight or phone light in a dark space either. Moody, warm lighting can help though. In college, I never turned my lamp off in my room to avoid the darkness. You can ask my roommates; it was always continuously on. And that was before I even realized why I am afraid of the dark. It really can have such a grip on me, especially after watching an intense movie.
ROBOTS & A.I.
Wow, I really really hate this photo of Dorris from Meet the Robinsons. Not only is it a robot and an EVIL one at that (sorry, spoilers), but it also has SPIDER LEGS which are most definitely the worst part of a spider if you ask me.
But why does A.I. freak me out? Why does it send a little shiver down my spine when I see the human-like gestures and facial expressions on a robot? Um… Where do I start? How human-like are they getting? Will we always be able to tell the difference between humans and robots? Can they have relationships? Can they get angry? Can they connect to other technology? Can they shut systems down? Can they be easily turned off? Because, in my mind, durable robots with artificial intelligence sound like a vehicle for future destruction. What more do I gotta say? Who else has high adrenaline right now?
SPIDERS
Thank GOD for Arachnophobia Mode on Hogwarts Legacy. I legit would not be able to play this game without it. Thankfully, the game depicts spiders as Pokemon-looking, floating orbs of chaos with no legs and floating roller skates to signify the end of their invisible legs.
In the Harry Potter universe, casting the spell “Ridikulus” on a creature called a Boggart (that can magically shapeshift into the viewer’s worst fear) will change the appearance of the Boggart to be un-frightening enough to take down. Ron Weasley’s biggest fear was spiders and when he casted the spell on his Boggart, the spider suddenly had roller skates on and kept falling over, to the joyous laughter of the class. To me, the legs need to be NONEXISTENT. A Boggart would definitely transform into a spider in my presence and I would be rendered useless against it. The game recognizes real arachnophobia and takes the legs away. For this, I am forever grateful.
I have always been afraid of spiders and have had countless bad interactions with them. The thought of them makes my skin itchy and I have already been hitting and scratching at my limbs as if a spider made its way onto me while typing. Hahaha— NOT A FAN.
But there have been spiders I have been drawn to character-wise like Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web or Mrs. Spider from Mrs. Spider’s Sunny Patch Friends. In these times in my childhood, I actually tried to face my fear of spiders by buying a book on tarantulas with disgustingly detailed close-ups of the creatures. I bought it and studied it while I was still fearless but soon forgot about my goals, became scared again, found the book years ago, and threw it away immediately. Lucas the Spider’s legs are tucked-in enough to keep my screams in my lungs, but I still wouldn’t want him in my house or in my line of sign ever at any given time.
AND LOSING CONNECTION TO THOSE I LOVE.
I’m not afraid of dying.
Though, {tangent} I do wonder a lot about what the afterlife is like. I have always had the images of Heaven in my head and I am pretty content with that, but lots of people really want to know what comes after all this. I have never lost someone extremely close to me so I haven’t spent a lot of time worrying where someone might have gone. The grandparents I have lost I believe are in Heaven and I have always imagined them checking in at family gatherings. But I have not really thought about what their souls are doing now that they don’t have bodies holding them down.
Some people pray to their ancestors, (who supposedly have power in the afterlife?), some people believe in a heaven and/or a hell (and the idea of being good enough or too bad), and some people believe in reincarnation (souls continuing on again and again, to my understanding). There’s a whole lot of different things people can believe, but all I can think about right now is how I need to watch The Good Place again. Maybe I’ll have a different reaction to the ending this time around now that I am mentally prepared. My first time through, the conclusion absolutely wrecked me. I didn’t like the idea of things just ending for someone and there still being sadness and loss in the afterlife. There’s also a part in Coco where, at some point, everyone is forgotten and that’s just how it goes.
I am not afraid of dying—
But I am afraid of losing my connection to those I love, to those I count on and cling to and live life with. If I die, I believe I’ll be okay. I’m not really worried about that. I don’t know what it looks like or what will happen, but I don’t feel any sort of need to know at this point. I am not afraid of myself dying, but I am afraid of leaving my family to fend without me. I know I play an irreplaceable role in Zach and Oakley’s lives and not having control over when I may leave them does feel scary.
I am not afraid of what will happen to my loved ones when they die, but I don’t like not knowing when it could happen or how it could happen. When my childhood dog Mushu passed away, he did so in his sleep. I had a feeling something was wrong the night before he passed and I had spent extra time with him that night. He wouldn’t eat his treat, so I just hugged him and cradled him before I went back upstairs to go to bed. When I woke up, the first thing I did was come downstairs to check on him. I walked over and immediately knew he was gone. His eyes were open, but he wasn’t there. That memory burned into my brain and I spent the entire summer before starting high school depressed. I was scared of walking into a room and being shocked by the loss and the visually devastating scene. And I honestly have a specific fear of walking into a shocking discovery.
Watching the new Avatar: The Last Airbender series on Netflix had me in tears with Aang and Gyatso. Through the Avatar’s reincarnation, Gyatso’s friendship with Aang began in Aang’s previous life as Avatar Roku. There is so much comfort in that thought for me: the idea that relationships can transcend lifetimes. Continued energies and continued connections. I know that all humans do is speculate and I need to trust in the God I believe in to give me peace when the time comes.
Living Life to the Fullest
I am not someone who looks for hardship. I don’t want to live in discomfort. I don’t really believe in exposure therapy and some of my fears can’t really be “faced.” I want to walk a fine line between not letting these fears control me, but also not challenging myself to the point that I find myself often disregulated.
I have boundaries to keep myself comfortable. I try to avoid spiders at all costs and I unfollow people who post spiders on hikes (sorry not sorry). I don’t usually find myself in a position to be faced with a whale, but I also don’t watch media involving whales. I tell people about my trypophobia and look away if faced with the image. I don’t use A.I. I don’t own a Roomba. I sleep with a nightlight and have lots of automatic lights.
And I very much cherish my connections in the present. In that way, fear can be fuel. I feel motivated to make the time for friends even when it isn’t necessarily convenient. I only have this one life to live and I believe in the power of relationships. I know my fears will really only be an issue only when they stop me from being able to go out and experience life. Out of all these fears, I am sure my readers are already aware of my fear of missing out and my fear of not being loved or accepted. I know for certain that by not reaching out to those I love to spend time with them, I basically guarantee my own disappointment and sadness. I take steps every day to make sure I get to experience life as I believe it should be experienced: with others. And nothing should stand in the way of that.
“Pretend I’m unaware, but the truth is that I’m scared.”
🌻ART SHOW & TELL🌻
My progress on my paper stars! Filling a vase. Honestly, it’s such a fun thing to do with my hands to help me focus. 😃
Time for some TLCCC💕
Treating myself to: a new pair of Mickey ears this weekend on a Bachelor Trip to Epcot. 🤩 Maybe I’m a Disney snob, but I am a bit stressed that I will only be there for a day. But I am really really excited to be there during the Flower & Garden Festival again! 😍
Listening to: (Negativity ahead!) unfortunately, the constant babble of a guy in my office who thinks he has a lot of smart things to say that other people want to hear. I wish he would make a shitty podcast already because I want to unsubscribe from being at my desk when he is around. Thankfully, because of the loud debates, I have noise-cancelling headphones and playlists upon playlists to drown out the noise.
Crafting: Does packing for a trip count as crafting? Does folding paper stars during work meetings count as crafting? Does hiding all the (somehow still floating) Valentine balloons under our kitchen table so my son can pull them out and say “wow…” as they float up to the ceiling count as crafting?
Craving: dole whip! Thankfully Zach found the best place EVER for dole whip right here in AZ. I am OBSESSED. It’s called Hawaiian Bros. They also have amazing other food as well! (Wayyyyyyy better than Ono honestly.) I don’t think it can compare to Disney’s dole whip though— which I am going to try and nab in Disney Springs this weekend! (Peep the Punzie whip below!)
Caring SO much about: …um what am I not caring about too much? Well, I am currently trying to write songs to record for my debut album. That sounds crazy to type, but it has literally been a dream of mine since I was little and I am pumped that I am working to make it a reality! It won’t be any time soon, but I am working on the songs and the concept of the album and I’m super excited about it!! 🤓