I’m Just Too Soft For All of It
15: on being a highly sensitive person and what that means for me and those around me
“Everyone’s up to something. I find myself running home to your sweet nothings.”
Story Time
TW: mention of death & fear
Last weekend, on Friday the 13th of all days, the season 2 finale of my favorite webcomic Suitor Armor came out. I love this fantasy comic because of its beautifully sweet art style, the fairies and how their magic works in the world of the comic, and the way the story is told— as it leaves me with no choice but to fall in love with the characters and fully invest in their development. There have been warnings before at the top of comics for violence, blood, and upsetting imagery, but nothing was ever more than I could handle and came up in the story at expected times. I was so excited waiting for the season finale, but when the day came, I only remembered the new episode had posted in the middle of the night. (A bit of a spoiler warning ahead if you’re reading and haven’t gotten to this part of the story…)
Nearing the end of the already dark episode, I realized something darker was about to happen. The frame had the main character Lucia looking into a room in the castle where she and her family resided with a horribly terrified expression. At that moment, I had to stop reading and had to wake up Z as I began to have a panic attack. I had considered this comic to be one of my comfy reads, something I could count on for a good story without giving me more than I could handle. I thought I was probably being dramatic; it had to be my imagination fueling my anxiety. With Z, I went through possible outcomes, even giving words to my worst imagined storylines. After this, I was convinced that the story could not be worse than my imagination and I decided to read on.
Unfortunately, the episode took a turn for the absolute worst and multiple devastating, unexpected, gory deaths tore a temporary hole in my sanity. I was terrified. The knowledge of these deaths and how they affected Lucia— who I cared for and related to so deeply— was too much for me to handle. I felt as though my own friends had died and I was completely overwhelmed with grief and a feeling that I wasn’t safe in my own house. Even after I stopped hyperventilating, I didn’t sleep the entire night. Even in the days following, I had a hard time eating because I couldn’t get the images out of my head. I’m still verbally processing through it and have resorted to looking over the images repeatedly to try to desensitize myself. I mean, I still want to be able to read my favorite comic, even if…
I’m a highly sensitive person.
I thought this would be a good time of the year to talk about how I can’t handle too much spooky. I asked my friends and followers what they thought on Instagram. Leave a comment with what you prefer!
Being a person with high sensitivity can be great. It feels like a super power to have a big imagination, a rich inner-life, to connect deeply with beauty and works of art, and have the ability to empathize with many different perspectives. But these gifts can also feel like burdens. At unsuspected times, my big feelings can overwhelm me completely. Thankfully, my husband is my favorite person to support me in these moments. He knows what I need: to express my feelings, breathe, and have someone reassure me that everything and everyone is okay.
It’s relieving to know that I am not alone in feeling things so deeply. Did you know that highly sensitive people take up 20% of the human population? That’s such a relief to me. And even if it wasn’t that big of a percentage— it’s comforting to have found the definition. It eases the shame I feel for losing my mind over a webcomic.
Sensory Overloads & Overjoys
Since I was younger, I have struggled with being overstimulated by some things that others are not bothered by. I am definitely sensitive to certain visuals. I have arachnophobia and trypophobia so I definitely avoid images associated with those, but I might as well have a scary-details-phobia. There are some types of imagery (like the comic I was reading) that chill me to the bone and leave me needing to recover for days. It’s not the first time I’ve been shook. I am also very sensitive to lighting, but usually this is only if there are sudden changes to the lighting. Sound can also have a big effect on me depending on the day I’ve had. Music can be too loud or not loud enough based on my emotions. I’ve held one of my ears closed in the movie theaters since I was younger.
Physically, there are stimuli I try to avoid, like rubbing against sequin-dense objects. I also try to avoid activities where there could be poking sensations on me, like hiking in foliage or getting my blood drawn. The feeling of something touching me without my knowledge of what it is or when it will touch me is unsettling. Stimuli I sometimes seek out includes friendly pressure like tight hugs or surrounding myself with soft blankets and stuffed animals. These things help me to feel happy and safe.
Textures do mean a lot to me. Growing up, I would be completely unable to focus in school if the tag on my clothes had a certain texture. The solution was cutting it off completely. I would say textures matter most to me now while I’m eating. I have a very hard time with raw sushi simply because of the texture. Sometimes, I have a hard time eating if I am not in the mood for a certain texture. I do very much enjoy the sensation of certain crunches (tortilla chips or crispy breading on chicken tenders), while I dislike the crunch of others (any type of Cheeto-like puff or raw broccoli). I seek the oral stimuli of certain foods sometimes more than the actual taste. I feel like a texture foodie!
Can’t Handle Intensity
(everything is too intense already)
I obviously don’t watch horror films as there would be no way to guarantee my mental and emotional safety. But honestly, I can’t even handle much suspense. For those who know, I am a huge Disney fan. I genuinely think they are great movies, but I also feel so safe walking into a new Disney movie, knowing for certain that I will be okay throughout. I have had similar come-aparts before, like while watching the last episode of Steven Universe, a Cartoon Network “kids” show. Loud and surprising sounds, upsetting imagery, and unforeseen negative turns of events all contributed to the chaos in my heart while watching. Before diving in to something new, I usually make sure to know as much about the story as I can to decide whether I should go through watching it at all. Spoilers are welcomed as a safety precaution. I have read many a Wikipedia summary including Stranger Things, Rob Patt’s Batman, any Marvel movie ever. But, no matter what I do to prepare, it can still be hard to experience the story depending on the sounds, suspense, visuals, and emotion evoked from an actor’s performance.
I am also kinda known a bit for my own emotional intensity. I very much feel my feelings deeply and can be moved to tears more easily than most. How can I not get teary when the Disney logo comes up? (Especially the new 100 year version!) My tears appear with strong feelings of happiness and sadness, but also anger, frustration, and anxiousness. For this reason, I have cried in front of every boss I have ever had. This can be very difficult because tears can be seen as weak and childlike. The worst assumption to make about me crying is that I am “too emotional” at that moment to form coherent thought. Not sure if you can feel the anger rumbling inside me at the thought of this, but take this as a big FYI, friends: Do NOT invalidate my emotions or I just might… cry harder.
Without the Flapjack quote, in all seriousness, it will be hard to trust you again after I chose to be vulnerable with you and was still dismissed.
“Will they stop when they see me again? I can’t stop now I know who I am.”
Labels & Judgement
I’ve spent much of my life feeling shameful for my big emotions. Many people said I was too sensitive, overdramatic, and emotional. It’s been super tough to be someone who can’t hold in their emotions and be told that they are naive and young-minded for doing so. It feels terrible to feel like everyone is on board with something I am so against. I am currently trying to take these labels back for myself to reframe as positive. So far, being called “dramatic” still stings and I often describe myself as “emotional” as a neutrally accurate adjective. But I’m trying my darndest to take back “sensitive” and reframe it as a superpower instead of the ailment many frame it to be.
I hope that our communities continue their journey of inclusivity, embracing the complexities of the human experience, and drawing circles instead of lines. Everyone is unique and we have different strengths, preferences, and limits. It’s my hope and honest prayer that it becomes more and more okay to be different. I hope it becomes normal for sensory needs to be respected and planned for. I hope it becomes normal to change our spaces and our expectations to be inclusive of people with a different life experience. And I hope hope hope that people telling kids to stop crying is left in the past and is frowned upon by the majority in the future. I never want the world to have another generation of humans growing up thinking it’s best to suppress their feelings, or, like me, feel stupid for not shoving them down.
What This is Not
I do want to clarify my message to make sure I am heard correctly. When I say I share my emotions and can’t keep them inside, I do not mean that I yell at people haphazardly or try to hurt their feelings. I do not just cry out all my underdeveloped thoughts at other people, only to backspace and claim I didn’t mean any of it. And finally, I do not recommend a month-long stay in Lil’ Gab’s hot tub of emotional depth—and not only because many non-enneagram 4s wouldn’t be able to handle it but— because I’ve tried it and it doesn’t help you function better in society.
Growth is realizing you’ve been thinking in the black and white and deciding to change that. Instead of keeping it all in forever or taking it all out now, you can talk about it slowly, in spurts, in therapy or to an emotionally present friend. Share your feelings to process through them, without trying to solve the problem, until you can move forward without regret, without shame, and with a respect for the genuine, emotional parts of you. Embracing complexities does not mean excusing unhealthy behaviors or promoting unnecessary boundaries. Other people’s issues aren’t fake or dramatic because you don’t relate or understand. Making tiny changes in the way we do things can make the huge difference a neurodivergent person needs to feel comfortable in a community.
As a quick fun fact: I have been told being an hsp is neurodivergence and is not considered on the autism spectrum. Though things can overlap and someone can have both, I have been told by my healthcare professionals that I am not on the autism spectrum, though I would have no issue if I was.
“If I could…be all I am, it’d be so beautiful.”
Be kind to people!
To be extra extra clear, I thought I would leave ya with some reminders— for those who may come across this post and need it: Don’t use this information against me or other people to push our buttons and laugh at the emotional distress you cause. Don’t make fun of other people for their sensitivities. When you find out about a sensitivity, respect it. And lastly, do not take it personally if someone trusts you and loves you enough to tell you that you hurt their feelings. This means they want to have a relationship with you and care about taking care of it. So, forgive yourself, apologize with no excuses, and take their lead on how to move forward in unity. Your effort to understand and act in kindness will not go unnoticed.
Time for some TLCCC
(Yup, I added another C)
Treating myself to: YITTY, the best shapewear ever, and Stitch Fix for my birthdayyy which is todayyyy! Click here to use my code to get $25 off your first Stitch!
Listening to: MUNA & Taylor
Crafting: plans out the wazoo!
Craving: Ronto wraps from Batuu :(
Caring SO much about: The Golden Bachelor! I am crying every episode. This guy is so wholesome!
Thanks for reading!
Click here to listen to the music of Gabbin’ Away Again and click above to subscribe if you haven’t already! Be sure to LIKE and SHARE this post with friends you think would relate. Let me know what you’d like to hear about next. I hope you have a wonderful week! ✨
Not gonna lie. My exposure to scary during my childhood was on lockdown so when I was able to get into scary. I dove in headfirst. I read a plethora of Stephen King novels and murder mysteries during the early 90’s and didn’t look back. I watched the vivid and gory movies in theaters with other likeminded friends. While testing myself to see if I could handle watching the exorcist by myself at night. Maybe it was the SK novels in high school that desensitized things for me but as I got older and taking care of littles I quickly became my mother; sheltering them from anything that might be too scary or traumatic for them. As they get older I will let them discover how much scary they want to endure with me by their side, of course.
In terms of scary movies… No ma’am. I like my dreams how they are, thank you.