Introspection Killed the Radio Star
18: thinking too much about my thinking too much, sharing my current/continuous worries, and the introduction to paid-only posts
This week was a weird one. A busy one. A stressful one.
Every day, I started a draft with a different topic, but every new draft felt either too personal or not personal enough for my blog. I’m trying to strike a certain chord here on Gabbin’ Away that I don’t get to play in my daily life, but sometimes it feels like every idea is too much of a touchy subject.
What if I write about my opinion on women’s right to abortion? What about my opinion on the legalization of marijuana? Or my view of the evangelical church at large? Or just my view of my current church? What if I write about personal relationships? Am I allowed to tell stories of my life in which I have no regret but still hold shame for? What if I just talk about the oldest Spotify playlists I have or rate my top 10 favorite foods?
I made this blog for me to express myself and I should allow myself to do just that. If I want to write about it, what’s stopping me? I guess it’s those pesky ol’ adoption-trauma-related fears that my passions will turn people away from me.
“I don’t know why I am the way I am.”
This week, I got stuck wondering what everyone wanted from me and caring way too much about that. Why isn’t *name* texting me back? Was it something I said? Why haven’t I seen *name* in so long? Did they realize the real reason I wear rainbows all the time? I do care about the opinions people have of me. And maybe that isn’t so bad.
I care about my relationships with others, more than anything else in life. If I can change a little thing about me to help a friend feel more comfortable around me, I would want to do that. I want to be a good friend and try my hardest to be.
But then I realized that as a child I learned that having good relationships with others meant I had to be dishonest to save their feelings. And being dishonest doesn’t feel homogeneous with being a good friend. I also thought about change and how much change was too much to ask.
And then I got to thinking.
Then, I thought some more and then I thought even more about that thinking and suddenly I had a realization. Perhaps I don’t care about everyone’s exact opinion of me, but I do care about opinions that keep people from wanting to be in my life at all.
“Remind myself the more I gave, you’d want me less.”
In therapy recently, I realized the base of all my relational strife with friends and family members is a mistrust that love is at the foundation. Oof. The truth bomb. And then it was reemphasized while I was reading the book of John: “But Jesus did not yet entrust himself to them, because he knew how fickle human hearts can be.”
I have always been so quick to share myself with people, but this is a defense mechanism. If they know everything about me from the get-go, then they can leave now instead of surprising me with rejection later on. If human hearts are fickle, it doesn’t matter if I share it all now or later or sprinkle it through the years; there is no guarantee they will stay. No one can ever be trustworthy enough to hold my heart. But doesn’t that just make sharing your heart that much more meaningful? It paints such a beautiful picture of what loving someone else really is: a risk.
I’m currently reading the Passions translation (fitting for a Gab) and one of the translation notes said, “God has perfectly expressed himself in Christ.” I love this explanation because it feels like Jesus is God’s blog! I love the idea that God and I both long to be understood. (My interpretations may be different than others, but I believe—obviously— that God is telling me what I need to hear.) In an attempt to connect to others deeply, I share my heart, even with the risk of rejection.
I made this blog because I am constantly catering to the preferences of those I hope to keep in my life. Gabbin’ Away Again is a space I have created where I get to share the parts of me that my everyday life calls for me to hide, ignore, and push down. On this blog, I get to share the parts of me I tend to like the most. And I must come to terms with the fact that not everyone will agree, that people may get offended, and that not everyone will like me or want to stay in my life. And I am learning to be okay with that.
“I can’t be everything you want me to be.”
And in the meantime, I will be posting my spicier stories for paid subscribers’ eyes only, with a free preview for all. I am excited to be able to share more parts of my heart on my blog in upcoming months!
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Time for some TLCCC
Treating myself to: Cheek Boss Undies!
Listening to: my “Somewhat Secular Worship” Spotify playlist
Crafting: Secret Santa plans for 2 sides of the family!
Craving: scrambled eggs and cheese😛
Caring SO much about: reorganizing and decluttering my home— because I deserve a clean space and because Christmas-decorating is RIGHT around the corner!! 🤩
Thanks for reading!
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