It’s Nice to Have a Friend
23: being proud of my writing; fangirling over Taylor Swift, as usual; pondering Lena Dunham; exploring if friendship can last forever
Defining Myself
I have never felt so exhilarated by an article of writing as I did reading Sam Lansky’s phenomenal interview with our favorite cat lady. Taylor Swift was named Person of the Year, rightfully so, by TIME, which is honestly just like pointing at the sunset and officially declaring its beauty. Of COURSE it’s our girl Taylor. That’s just factual. I could go into how amazing this article is, but I’ll do you a favor and save it all for you to savor yourself. You can also read my personal Swift Love Letter from a couple months ago for some less-professional fangirling. Since becoming a fan of Taylor’s, I have written more than I ever have before. And even though it was a long time coming, accepting and embracing Taylor for all she is and all she represents has had a positive effect on me.
December is an obvious time for reflection as the year comes to a close— I never pass up a chance to reminisce— and it’s been such an interesting year to look back on, especially in the realm of my writing. I have always been a writer privately, but being able to proudly share my writing as a poet to coworkers and a blogger to a wider group of friends and family has expanded my view of what a Gabby can be. I have always ranked all tasks, hobbies, and decisions in the view of “what a Gabby would do”— as if I was a stereotype of myself, a character with no room to grow, or simply a person playing the role of Gabby. Thankfully, this year has opened my mind to what I am capable of trying and perhaps accomplishing.
“I’m not some sort of minor trope that’s never gonna change, that’s so derivative.”
This year was the first time I think I seriously considered my hobbies as adult ways to joyfully pass the time, but also possibly a way to make a living. People are writers and song-writers and make money doing it! When I started this blog, I expected to be writing to no one. Then, I feared the infinite audience of anyone or everyone. Now, I’m at 49 total subscribers, with 5 paid subscribers, and I feel so proud and capable.
Many people have asked me how the heck I have the time to write blog posts weekly (and like this week, life can be crazy), but I seriously am so motivated to push myself to be what I dreamed of being since I was little. Little Me can’t help but root for me as I continue to push myself to talk through different experiences and new topics. Writing is powerful and I am excited to see what this “serious hobby” could turn into in the future.
Super relate to Ted on Ted Lasso, what an underdog story! I also love how this article was meant to be a weapon against him, but it couldn’t be.
Famous Friends
All of these feelings have been reinforced by one of my new favorite shows. I was recently introduced to the MAX series Girls. I am mesmerized with the reality of this scripted show. I was stuck on figuring out who the “bad guy” was at first, but I finally understood: all of the characters are meant to feel like real people; real people making emotion-fueled decisions and reacting to life in the best way they can at that moment. (Like how in this moment I am dizzied by semicolons.) Their thoughts, their desires, and their flaws are dangerously and deliciously relatable and no one has gotten annoying enough or done something terrible enough for me to disown them emotionally.
Because of my recent appreciation of the show, my TikTok feed has decided I need more Lena Dunham—creator and lead actress of the series— in my life. The video I came across revealed a popular Taylor Swift song was actually written about the true love Taylor witnessed between Lena Dunham and Jack Antonoff, Taylor’s current songwriting parter. (Relating so hard to Taylor once again, as writing songs about her friends’ relationships is such a Gabby thing to do.) As a new Swiftie, I had no idea that Jack and Lena dated, so I had to do more digging. I knew Lena was a part of Taylor’s powerful female bff squad showcased in the “Bad Blood” music video back in 2015. Was there bad blood between them now?
The comments of the TikTok video showed many disappointed Swifties who resented the fact that one of their favorite 1989 tracks was written about Lena. I was shocked that Lena was spoken about so negatively overall, but they were also very vague about why. What did she do? Lena and Jack’s relationship lasted from 2012-2018. Did Taylor still associate? After some hours spent reading up on the public opinion of Lena Dunham, I came to my own personal conclusion that— I shouldn’t care as much as I do about public opinion.
If watching 1.5 seasons has taught me anything, it’s that people are squishy and flawed, and, like all people, Lena Dunham has grooves and edges in her personality that just don’t fit comfortably into the puzzle of some people. In reality, it is likely that no one’s personality lends itself beautifully to fame, but even though she has made some controversial statements and has been criticized harshly for them, she has very much apologized in full. She is an admittedly imperfect person with anxiety like the rest of us , just trying to do what she thinks is right at the given moment.
There was a lot of criticism of Girls and its creator for the lack of diversity among the characters, lots of pushback on how Dunham writes her insecure perspective as fact, and lots of views on her admittedly (yeah duh) questionable decisions, but the most confusing to me was the accusations of racism, which— of course— felt like a touchy subject for me to broach on, especially as a non-black person. Thankfully, I found some like minds (in the black community) who also think “the attack on Dunham was misplaced.” I think calling her a monster is pretty harsh, but I would be lying if I said I was satisfied enough with my research this week to speak confidently.
The fact that I read her fumbles, her apologies, and the public’s criticism and still felt a draw to Lena made me question myself. She was looking more and more like the black sheep of the Bad Blood clan. This is the exact risk I take when sharing my experiences and opinions online except MAGNIFIED in Lena’s case. It felt scary to identify with her, imagining that I would be cancelled if I was a bigger name.
Now that I was questioning everything, a new, bigger question emerged. Maybe I didn’t care as much about what the world thought, but… What does Taylor Swift think?? I held my breath. If I was an anxious, socially awkward writer friend of Taylor’s, the ex-lover of her close friend and business-partner, criticized heavily on the internet: would she still be my friend? My heart raced as I Google-searched. My saving grace came from Australian ELLE’s recently published article detailing Taylor Swift’s relationships with her close friends. Not only were they friends, but Taylor was a bridesmaid at Lena’s wedding! THANK GOD.
Ride or Die
I wonder how crazy it feels to have all your friends in the public eye. It would be so hard to trust others, but maybe harder to form an opinion that was untouched by the world’s constant judgement. I didn’t find Swift publicly supporting Dunham after her controversies in my research, but I don’t think she had to. Dunham can hold her own and should. But Taylor is still not afraid to spend time with Lena, even through the craziness of the tabloids. I could not help but think: Wow, that’s a real friend.
“My reputation’s never been worse, so you must like me for me.”
Ideally, the term “BFF” wouldn’t be thrown around in vain, but how realistic is the commitment of lifelong friendship? If 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce (angering statistic), how many close friendships result in a different— yet sometimes just as heartbreaking— broken promise? Is being a ride-or-die friend just a nice sentiment that no one can really follow through on?
There’s something at the core of me that expects commitment to be difficult. It’s an assumption that those who claim to love me aren’t actually committed to loving me. I really don’t want it to be this way; I used to think the fear was nonexistent and I was just an over-trusting open book. Sadly, diving into my relinquishment trauma and my various experiences of emotional abandonment has solidified just how fearful I am of losing the people I love, either physically or emotionally. I will believe someone has stopped liking me without any solid evidence that they have. I fear those who have committed to me will change their minds, so I feel the need to try to change my mind about them too.
I also find myself (unhealthily) platonicly attracted to those I know don’t love or respect me in the way I deserve. Those are the people that perhaps don’t say the nicest things to me, don’t respect my emotional experience, and show obvious dislike or disapproval to parts of me that I love. The idea that I could work to earn love has always made more sense to me than any other way to be loved, so working to change someone’s mind about me sounds like a great start. Obviously, these relationships are not good for me. And I have recently decided it’s okay for me to leave the relationships that are taking too much from me. At this point in my healing journey, I am not able to be challenged and come out successful. My mind just isn’t in the right place.
“Baby, I’m a funny thing. I’m walking if it doesn’t sting. Heartbreak only means that it was worth it.”
I had planned to write this post about my views on different friendships I have had over the course of my life, but then I hung out with a few of them this week. In all instances, I had believed the friend in question was angry with me. For a Gabby, apparently, distance does NOT make the heart grow fonder, it only makes my heart grow anxious. When the relationship is given space, I have a hard time feeling prioritized and I start getting the subtle feeling that I am not actually wanted in the space that I’m in. But these feelings are all based on assumptions.
I am always waiting for the straw that will break the camel’s back of each of my friendships— no matter the length of time we’ve been friends or if they’ve given me any reason to doubt them. It’s scary to trust people with your heart and give them the power to break it. There’s so much— too much— that can change, for the better or for the worse. Relationships grow and mature as we grow and mature, but it’s scary to see if commitment can withstand growing pains.
As an adult, I know I had friends in kindergarten I don’t even remember the name of, I had friends in elementary school I will maybe never see again, and I have high school friends I don’t talk to. I had plenty of friends that labeled me “best” that perhaps wanted that but never followed through. Something still heavy on my heart are the friends I thought would be my bridesmaids that weren’t even at or invited to my wedding. (Hell, it even hurts that some of my close friends I’ve met since getting married weren’t at my wedding.)
And what I know, even with my fear and my past hurts and mistakes, I have to hold out hope that people mean what they say. As someone whose biggest love language is words of affirmation, I need to believe that the words that warmed my heart yesterday do not expire tomorrow. Instead of assuming I am only an interaction away from being “cancelled” within a social group I’m in, I need to believe it when one of my closest friends of 16+ years she says she loves me.
“Another head aches, another heart breaks. I’m so much older than I can take.”
It’s hard to see myself outside of my lense of perfection I use to judge myself. When I’m wrong, when I’m thought to be wrong, when I say the wrong thing, when I love the wrong way… It’s hard to love myself. And people in the past have shown me how hard it is to love me when I mess up. I want to believe that I’m special and loved and accepted, but I don’t always feel that way, especially when I focus on all the things that I’ve done and what people think of those things.
Over the past few days, I have spent good time with many friends. They hadn’t said anything to inspire my doubt, but the time between created a distance far enough for me to overthink our friendship. Upon sharing these feelings, I was met with so much reassurance and love that I truly hope I can take to heart. Because I have been blessed to have some really good friends. Friends that make me hot cocoa the way I actually like it, friends that take the time to listen to my heart even when we all have other things we could be doing, and friends that write me notes so full of love my eyes couldn’t help but overflow.
I know that I can’t control people coming in and out of my life. People move away, people get married, people get new jobs and start liking new things. I need to be okay with the idea that things will change and some relationships will come and go. It may not have anything to do with me. Life is complicated and all humans are so unique. So many things don’t go as planned. That’s why it’s important to appreciate the beauty of all that is here while it still is. I want to be thankful for the meaningful and silly times I spent with special people with a place in my heart, while we’re currently laughing our heads off and when nostalgia brings me that joy again.
“And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.”
Time for some TLCCC
Treating myself to: Echo Coffee, a cozy coffee shop with a purpose— donating a percentage of profits to the AZ Humane Society. I needed prickly pear tea and baked goods while waiting for car repairs and I realized how much my soul was needing a peaceful, friendly vibe. And I met some fun people as well.
Listening to: My 2023 Spotify Wrapped, like all other humans should.
Crafting: paper Christmas decor for the office (you’re welcome, coworkers).
Craving: Fabio on Fire’s bellisimo panini— at the newest location that focuses on sandwiches. SO good.
Caring SO much about:
the Disneyland After Dark events for 2024… ask my husband, I have been both insanely excited (to see how these events go!) and so down (that I can’t go to all of themmmm).
Also- the recorded version of the musical Waitress with Sara Bareilles!! It was sooo gooood! 😭
Sparks— the new deep convo board game one of my close buds got me! Definitely my vibe for sure.