My 9-5 is not my 24/7
43: how I feel about work experiences, labeling and doubting myself, & what I see on the horizon
Warning: contains confessions no one asked for
What’s An Okay Way to Be Treated?
My first job was at Color Me Mine. I get the feeling I told this story before but lemme refresh ya if you forgot… To summarize, my boss was an angry, paranoid person, who accused me— a 16-year-old who was “too young to have access to the cash register” so I did not— of stealing $5. Fun fact: I did not steal the $5 but, man, did she gaslight me. She was so sure it was me, I started questioning the possibility that it was!
After having such a stressful first job experience, I assumed a lot about what a job should look and feel like. It wasn’t easy or comfortable and feeling supported emotionally was about as unlikely as it always was. My life experience as a child, not getting my emotional needs met and the trauma I experienced with adoption and rejection, definitely did not help as I began to view the world as this place where I would always feel so small.
Work took a lot from me, no matter where I was, because I was always on-guard, trying to appear like a customer service robot whose only function was serving the people. Whether I was a paint waitress, a pizza girl, or a childcare worker, I tried to be “on” at all times while at work. I realize now that this is not the expectation, but this is only after viewing so many Orange Julius baristas giggling and joking with each other and stopping to take my order and then continuing to laugh. As a kid, I would think “these teenagers are probably going to get fired for acting like real people on the job.” I truly believed that— if I was in their position— I would need to stand behind the counter and be ready to assist a customer as if I was on commission.
This feeling persisted when I became a teacher because you truly had to be ON all the time. Breaks didn’t exist and my lunch was less than 30 minutes long. In my mind, work was meant to take everything from you; that’s why people hated their jobs so much.