NEW FAITH, WHO DIS? -- the series
94: I am writing a (likely) 3 part blog series on where I am currently in my faith journey. Which is nowhere in particular.
Maybe I’m just neurodivergent, but…
Do you know the feeling of having your mind being taken over by an idea?
It happens to me with hobbies. It happens to me with favorite foods.
It also happens to me with my important relationships, good…. and not so good.
I honestly wish I could focus more on the relationships that are going well in my life, but… exactly like how I go way too hard on the one pimple on my face which happens to be on my nose and I go so hard that when Oakley sees his lip pouts and he asks if my nose needs a bandaid…. I try desperately to skip to an end where everything is better again.
It’s like I always hope it’ll turn out different this time. This time, if I try hard or write it out better or talk to them in this tone at this place from this angle…. nope.
Sometimes, many times it seems, it takes time.
I need to wait out the pimple and give it time to be ready to heal, in the same way that I need to wait out my and everyone’s emotions and give it time to be ready to heal…
….
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
I don’t WANT to waste anymore time being in the shitty place between when everything changed and when everything solidifies again. I don’t WANT to be here, fighting with myself in therapy and hearing what I have been neglecting and rejecting inside of myself for years, only to go to a family therapy session and fight again and feel rejected and neglected again. I don’t WANT to feel so torn up about God and my faith that I feel stupid for ever believing in the first place AS WELL AS stupid that this has all shook my faith so much.
I don’t WANT to keep writing about this. But this is my life right now.
If I can’t blow it up and settle it down right now once and for all… It will have to become my muse. I will dissect it here and relive it again in EMDR sessions. I will (try to) be patient with myself and let myself feel all I need to feel. And I will (try harder to) be patient with those around me who
don’t understand
don’t want to understand
are angry af at me
are scared of me
or feel a combination of any or all of these.
So what does Gabby do when she doesn’t know what to do?
WRITE.
And what better way to deal with the construction site in my brain than to write a whole LOT about it? I have decided to make a lil’ series where I detail where I currently am in my faith journey, which is nowhere I have ever been before and maybe will be again. From the wreckage of 2024, my faith slowly rises from the ashes, in no rush to get anywhere and no plan to be anywhere in particular.
But I still want and need to talk about it.
So, whether you have been annoyed or irritated by my church trauma rants or oddly excited or downright thirsty for it, it’s coming anyways.
Just like my emotions. Which don’t come and go crazily and irrationally, but actually make a whole lotta sense when you look at what I struggle with and what situations I have recently been through.
CPTSD in remission?
Weekly Subscriptions & Cancellations💁🏽♀️
the ideas and soundtracks I want running in my head, or not.
🙋🏽♀️SUBSCRIBED to:
Oakley being excited to go to church, even if it’s just cuz their playground rules.
people knowing our names at our church
the conversation with an elderly woman with a thick accent serving samples at Costco that maybe didn’t hear anything that I had asked correctly but I also didn’t understand enough of what she said back to correct her. I thanked her a million times for the unhelpful gibberish and had a smile my whole time at the checkout.
“no blogging” appearing to be a new rule added into CCV’s guidebook. Not my only lasting impression…
🤦🏽♀️UNSUBSCRIBED from:
the complex nature of mother’s day including but not limited to:
- feeling the need to celebrate every mom and motherly figure from your wife to your mother to your grandmother in one single day
- the amount of flowers around. I am already sneezy and already get annoyed at keeping plants alive. I’ll take my crochet or paper flowers por favor.
- the idea that I need to be celebrated on this day. I feel way more comfortable with the idea of spacing that celebration out throughout the year in authentic ways.How was my mother’s day? Stressful. Hot. But I got to spend some time horizontal and playing pretend with Oak and listening to my favorite sermon maybe ever at Foothills today. So it was a good day. :)
🌻Show & Tell: did ya see my series art? hehe🌻
Time for some TLCCC💕
Treating myself to: chocolate strawberries and cold drinks
Listening to: THE END OF THE RISE AND FALL OF MARS HILL FINALLYYYYYY and MAN did it end so good!!!
Crafting: some things for Oakley’s birthday party :)
Craving: ice. Our ice machine went out on us again (as it does on and off without warning) and you can always tell because I get so dehydrated when my water is room temperature. Unless the room is freezer-level cold, I don’t want room temperature water.
Caring SO much about: pushing through the shit show in hopes that it will be bearable on the other side. God bless my therapist.