Parenting & Reparenting
19: expectations of motherhood vs what it’s actually been like & how becoming a parent has positively affected my relationship with my inner-child
TW: mention of vomiting during pregnancy
Rising with the Son
Depending on the morning, I sometimes feel a slight tug on my hair. Or teeth and a tongue on my nose in what no one but a toddler can call a kiss. I rub some sleep out of my eyes so I can try to focus on his little face as I whisper, “Good morning, baby. How are you?” His face scrunches up in delight, as mine also tends to do, and I find myself engulfed in a “hug”— though it is moreso a tackle of my entire head. I love waking up like this.
Being a mother was always a desire of my heart and I felt in my soul that it was in the cards for me as I absolutely love children. Looking after and caring for kiddos fills my heart so much and— while already having adoption experience myself— I knew I wanted to be a mother no matter if I was able to conceive a child or adopt one. I feel very fortunate that I was able to give birth to my son.
As much as I loved children, I was never specifically looking forward to experiencing all of those classic parent moments. Many parenting tasks don’t necessarily seem fun on paper, but when your child is trying to connect with you, you can look past the action and see the motivation: they want so badly to connect with you and show they love you. Love is a spaghetti sauce hand touching your face. Love is some hair pulls and definitely a lot more saliva than what’s comfortable. And love is excited hands that truly don’t mean harm, even if they do indeed cause harm. His happy slappies fill me up with more love than I thought possible.
This love is different and powerful, but it isn’t a love I feel the need to compare to any other type of love. When I was pregnant, well-wishers felt the need to declare parental love as an unmatched form of love that could not compete with any other type, even the love I have for my husband. “You think you love your husband now? You don’t.” They insisted that having kids would allow me to relate and understand. Looking back, I think their claims had more to do with their unhealthy marriages, but, for years, it was the constant ask: When will you have kids??
Motherhood Loading…
I am a checklist person. I have gone through life hopping from success high to success high, being propelled toward the next expected life event without much thought otherwise. Graduation to marriage to job to house to baby. The pandemic definitely slowed my roll (in a good way, as that’s when I started therapy), but my pregnancy seemingly halted it altogether. I experienced a terrible nausea that rendered me close to useless for months. I had a thankfully shorter experience with what Amy Schumer also dealt with during her pregnancy, but it was pretty scary for a while. When you’re not able to eat or drink and you can’t stop vomiting, you live in a weird, painful haze that feels like a place between alive and not.
Z drove me to work most days and many of those days I was crying during my commute. I just wasn’t myself at all and couldn’t be; I had no strength and I could barely function at a job I felt tremendous pressure to perform well in. I truly loved my students and I felt like I was failing them every time I ran outside of my class to throw up in a planter. I was already struggling with my decision to continue teaching, but the lack of support from my team in my obvious time of need was the kicker.
With the amount of stress I was under, my main concern was my son. I had read that great amounts of stress while pregnant could have negative effects on the baby. My therapist, who made a point never to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do, said something I will never forget:
“Sometimes, as a parent, you need to make the tough calls. If you feel strongly about this, then leaving your job is your first big parenting decision.”
This completely solidified my decision to leave teaching and I had no regrets and still don’t. However, the ease of my decision felt so heavy on me. I was so willing to look after this baby that didn’t even exist yet but couldn’t make the decision to leave a bad situation for my own sake. Did I not think I was worth it? This was a hard reality to wrestle with.
During my pregnancy, I came face-to-face with many painful questions and deep hurts. The combination of pregnancy and therapy was both too much and exactly what I needed. It was hard to find myself scared of what I could do wrong as a parent, realizing the huge effect a parent had on their child. I felt guilty for expanding my family before doing all of this important inner work. What was I bringing him into? How do I protect my child from being traumatized— by myself or anyone else? And the truth was, as my therapist reminded me, that I cannot guarantee my child will avoid trauma. And I had to accept that. I would never be done with my healing journey and my son would learn a lot along side me. I was doing everything in my power to heal myself and break the cycle of pain for my son.
Changing Course
Looking back on my childhood as a mother and a former early childhood educator, I have a lot to dissect, process, and learn from. I sometimes get extremely overwhelmed with the work I have done and the work I have yet to do. I want to introduce my son to the world and how he fits into it with a different lense than the one I was given.
It is an important point to note that my parents have done a lot of work with me in family therapy. They are working on seeing things through a different lense than what they were given by their parents. My relationship with both of my parents is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was in 2020 and before. I am so thankful for their desire to better our relationship and proud of them for doing the hard introspective work it takes to make real change in your relationships. I wanted to be sure to communicate, as I talk through my struggles and traumas, that my parents are people and people are fallible, especially if they have never been introduced to any other way of thinking. Things are looking up!
And nothing makes me happier than my son benefitting from the improved relationship I have with my parents. I want my son to know without a doubt that his mom wants to understand him and support him even when she doesn’t understand. I found a lot of comfort in the knowledge that even when my son is going through it— even recovering from something I did that hurt him— that I can take responsibility for my decisions and he can lead me in taking steps toward a healthier relationship with him.
As a child, I definitely felt like I needed to earn the love of others. I am still recovering from the belief that there was something I could say or do that would disqualify me from being worthy of love in the eyes of people I cared about. It’s hard to look back and know a Little Gab felt that way. She deserved to feel like her interests, ideas, and passions were respected and that they mattered. I love Mr. Rogers’ song “It’s You I Like” as it feels like a big hug—an acceptance of self to anyone who listens.
“The way you are right now way down deep inside you.”
As a Lil’ Gab, I was encouraged to continue showing my “good traits” (funny, happy, extroverted, kind, helpful), but learned that some things about me were “bad” and needed to be hidden or stopped (anger, sadness, justice-oriented, highly sensitive, overstimulated, tired, overwhelmed). It took me a while to learn that certain emotions weren’t traits I had or didn’t, but fluid feelings that came and went and had no distinct moral value. I want my son to grow up knowing that.
Parenting Two Children
Now, I am in a much better place. Not just because of therapy but because I get to be the mother to my son. Loving him so much taught me how to better love myself. Having patience with him has taught me how to have more patience with myself. And now that I am giving myself grace, I can actually heal. I will never be perfect, but I am worthy of love already, right now, before doing or accomplishing anything.
I have heard so many people’s scary stories about losing themselves when they became a mom, but, at this point, I almost feel the opposite. Now, I feel more free to be myself than ever before. I don’t have anywhere as much Me Time as before, but needing to schedule Me Time now has made me more purposeful in the way that I plan activities that fill me up. I feel very cared for by myself.
Now, it’s as if I am parenting two children: my son and my inner child. I have very much enjoyed tapping into the curiosity my son has with the world around him. I already lean more in the direction of a childlike view of the world, but have felt embarrassed indulging in imagination and play. Having a child to adventure around with allows my inner child to enjoy things like I’ve never let her before. I feel more myself than ever.
I know I can’t do it all all of the time. Along with being a mom, I work a full-time job, I’m married, I value my friendships, and extended family is abundant. I can’t always be with my son or schedule the time I need for myself every day. But at all times, I am thinking of my son and doing my best for him. When I do, it feels like I am doing my best for a little me as well.
“And I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today, because everything changed.”
A poem I wrote from the day after my son was born.
Time for some TLCCC
Treating myself to: My first appointment with a curly hair specialist! My mind is blown and so is my spending money lol.
Listening to: A LOT of Taylor Swift, with sprinkles of Olivia Rodrigo. Trying to grow some new jams…
Crafting: Friendship bracelets! & deciding whether I want to go in with someone on an Etsy business.
Craving: Brownies! Sweet baked goods? Who is she??
Caring SO much about: My little family. ♥️ I want to prioritize them and our home over everything.
Thanks for reading!
Click here to listen to the music of Gabbin’ Away Again and click above to subscribe if you haven’t already! Be sure to LIKE and SHARE this post with friends you think would relate. I hope you have a wonderful week! ✨
Loved to read this!! You are amazing ❤️