Planning Parties & Planting Friendships
34: the heart I have for hosting and lots of feelings on my life’s current events
Something I Wait For
Life has actually been pretty good recently… if you don’t count my work life. My past job experiences really didn’t give me any perimeters for how I should expect to be treated at work. My feelings of un-fulfillment at work stem from my lack of healthy expectations and boundaries. I almost expect to be treated like I don’t know what I’m doing.
When I question myself, my friends are quick to come to my aid. Truly validating my feelings and reminding me that I deserve to be treated well almost literally brings me back to life. When there is a lack of trust in a team, with pointed fingers and specific eye contact avoidance, it’s difficult to do well at my job. To cover my cutey booty, I need to document everything, because I will need to defend myself. It’s like my office is a lion’s den and I’m not a lion, but I am not allowed the knowledge of who is or isn’t a lion…well, until they pounce.
“So I’m kinda friends, but [I’m] kind of prey.”
Honestly, I am not sure at this point if there is a truly healthy work environment out there. I definitely haven’t stumbled into one yet. But every time I go to work with dread practically dripping off of me, I find myself longing for something different. I realized that I need to pursue safe spaces and fun places with people who actually care about me in my personal time.
On some of my harder days, I am filled with mom guilt for working Monday through Thursday. When I see my son after a long week, he clings to me as I tear up. It’s so hard to be away from him, especially when my work can be so tough on me. Our budget really necessitates my having a job, so for the time being it’s the plan I need to stick with. Still, I can’t help but think about the time I could be spending teaching, impacting, and loving on my son Oakley.
“Looked so alive, turns out I’m not real.”
I thought I was a good teacher, but I obviously wasn’t meant to do it forever. I think I do well in project management, but if I had wishes from a genie right now, I would for sure ask for some guidance in a certain career direction (along with infinite Disney Magic Keys and the ability to fly).
When I was working on my life strategy, I favored the step involving my purpose. This step was going to help me define my “North Star,” like the second star to the right or the stars Moana would chart to know where to go next. After answering questions about what I’m good at, what my core values are, what lights me up, and what need I want to address in the world, I wrote out my “purpose statement.”
Gabby’s Purpose Statement
I want to guide others to connect—through art, meaningful conversation, and true community— by organizing events and meetups where people could feel loved and accepted for who they are.
I cried, realizing I want so badly to be for others what I needed for myself. If I could stop by and give Lil’ Gab a visit, I would be the listening ear, the sounding board, and the safe place to land she desperately wanted to find back then. But how do I accomplish my purpose? How can I foster the feeling of belonging in a room of acquaintances? How can I guide people to build meaningful relationships? How does one define a meaningful relationship?
“I collected pieces of the puzzle that you tried to hide. They don’t see what I see when they see you. But I do. I get you.”
The Meaning of Life
The other day, I sat for hours playing cars with Oakley. He led me by the hand from one area of the house to the next where a different type of car was seemingly waiting for us to interact with. He would suddenly stand up and grab hold of my hand and just start pulling, whether or not I was in the position to be able to sit up. He was sad for a moment as I let go of his hand to readjust to standing and then regained his excitement when I offered my hand again. On these days when I am allowed the time and the frame of mind to be all my son needs me to be feel so purposeful.
It’s been so hard to leave him to go to work, even when he is excited to hang with his grandparents or his cousin. Often, he turns and runs inside, excited for french toast or toys he only sees at his Mimi and Popi’s house, but other days he looks at me, seemingly solemn but content, as he waves the whole time I drive away. I don’t want to be the first to look away, but I dissolve into tears if I don’t.
On one of Zach and I’s most recent date nights (which we make a point to do weekly) we went to see the new Mean Girls movie in theaters, played some games in the Fat Cats arcade, then ventured to 5 Below, ending our night at Mod Pizza. Our time hadn’t been planned out but we just picked an area with a ton of options and just let the ideas come. I felt like we were in high school again, just putzing around an arcade, with children crawling through the games and scaring us when they randomly popped out. I laughed so much because Zach is one of the funniest people I know. One of my favorite things is being goofy with him and not taking ourselves too seriously.
Feeling close to someone is one of the best feelings in the world. It’s important to be intentional in the time you spend with the people you love and important to spend quality time with them often. Good relationships aren’t founded in small talk. I am not here to settle for surface level because strong connections need strong foundations.
“I’d do anything just to feel with you.”
Panic at the Party!
Warning: Gabby being vulnerable ahead…
Once upon a time, I found myself having a major panic attack at a party. This sentence could start any one of my stories I have surrounding panic attacks. For me, my social anxiety spikes at parties, probably due to the vast amount of strangers. I much prefer to host a party because I gain a bit more control over what’s happening at the party and who gets to be there. If I know most everyone at a party, it really helps me find people to talk to and I have a smaller chance of feeling left out or out of place.
At a party I’m planning to attend, I am never sure where I stand in regards to the guest list. Will I be the only one I know there? Will everyone else know each other? The worst feeling to me is being at a party alone where many other people seem to already know each other and are having a good time. If I were to paint the scene, there’s a group of friends genuinely laughing and I am standing on the outskirts, unacknowledged.
In moments like these, I feel my heart pounding as I look around and try to decide if I should attempt to join a group of strangers or run away. As my breathing quickens, I decide on the latter. And then I’m pacing outside, wondering how I got into this mess, wondering if I should go to a party ever again. In the past, these thoughts have sent me spiraling even more, as I wonder if I disappeared right then, if anyone would notice.
“Take a moment, remind yourself to take a moment and find yourself. Take a moment and ask yourself if this is how we fall apart. But it’s not. It’s okay. You’ve got nothing to fear. I’m here. I’m here. I’m here.”
I know now that feeling unwanted or alone are triggering feelings to me. I have really worked hard to build a more firm belief that I am not alone and people want me around, but the anxiety can still start to bubble up at times. Since starting my anxiety medication, panic attacks have been few and far between. I am training to become a master in being there for myself, but I also am very focused on making sure others don’t ever feel this way, especially at a party I host.
I try my best to avoid topics that isolate certain people in their ability to contribute to the conversation. If inside jokes are brought up, I immediately explain it to the person who didn’t laugh. Even still, I know sometimes people can feel uncomfortable regardless of what I do to help. I know from experience that sometimes there’s only so much you can do. I can host a party and invite others to connect with each other, but if someone doesn’t want to connect, I can’t force them. I can build the metaphorical bridge, but it is everyone’s own choice to cross it.
Creating Experiences
I have decided to lean into something I already enjoyed doing in the first place: party planning, hosting, and genuinely connecting with other people. As a gal with social anxiety who can’t always confidently attend parties I am invited to, it’s my goal to create welcoming environments that help people like me feel less anxious in a group of newbies. I want people to feel comfortable and cared for at my house. I want people to feel like they matter because they do.
Writing out my purpose statement helped me connect my skills and my passions. And after defining my direction, I was motivated to finally just DO the thing. Instead of waiting for more money, or more experience, or more confidence, I decided to work with what I have and learn on the job. This month, I decided to host a girls craft night monthly, host an ATLA viewing party, coordinate a group outing to the Renaissance Festival, and start a game-themed neighborhood group that meets every other week.
This year, I want to continue to DO the thing. I want to plan to be rejected, to fail, to be unsuccessful; not because I have no confidence in myself, but because I believe in myself and value myself enough to know there is more to come for me. Through all of this, I hope I get to connect in positive ways with new and old friends in a welcoming space of my own invention. I know how it feels to be on the outside and I hope when I reach out, those new friends will feel safe enough to take my hand.
“‘Cause I can recall when I was the one on your seat. I still got the scars and they occasionally bleed.”
🌻ART SHOW & TELL🌻
For this week, I thought I would share one of my favorite things to do at Disneyland. A trip is not complete until I take at least one Animation Academy class, if not 3. One of the top things I would do if I lived near Disney and could hang out there on whatever random day I wanted would be to take these classes over and over. There is nothing as peaceful as escaping from the fam for a nice 15 minute drawing class. I can’t wait to draw at Disney again. ♥️
Time for some TLCCC💕
Treating myself to: a Galentine’s party with some cool gals I know 🥰 and the RenFest!! 🧙🏼♀️💜
Listening to: Poems by Couch & Do It by Chloe X Halle (who just had a baby?? Whaaa), also the newest Netflix comedy special by Taylor Tomlinson (one of my fave comedians)!
Crafting: tiny paper hearts—so relaxing ☺️
Craving: Sweet treats unfortunately. I would love my salty tastebuds back…
Caring SO much about: Women supporting women. Like everyone being so pointed and criticizing Taylor Swift’s every move? Not a good look. Also, Amy Schumer’s book “The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo” is amazing. I am just eating this book UP!
Suggested newsletter to read from another author below—poetic & truly what life is about.
this resonated with me so much. i'm sorry for all your sad and bad experiences and the pain you have gone through; in reading them and hearing your story and how you overcame them, it feels like it's giving me the encouragement to tackle my hurdles and just DO. this was such a great read (as usual)!