Rebuking the CCV "Sexuality Series" that broke my heart.
97: “oh shit, what?” part 1/4 of my series of personal essays on my faith journey of the past year after leaving our former church home of CCV
TRIGGER WARNING: painful church language ahead. This part in particular mentions a lot of direct quotes from CCV’s Sexuality Series. If you have experienced spiritual abuse in the past, please move forward with caution, especially those in the queer community.
Welcome to the start of my lil’ 4-part series….
This weekend marks the 1 year anniversary since I was fired from staff at Christ Church of the Valley (CCV) and pushed out of the church community I had been a member to over the past 10 years. This also forced my husband to make the difficult decision to leave as well, after growing up attending CCV with his family, who are founding members. Since then, we have struggled financially, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, but are fully submerged in our deconstruction journeys. As we unlearn the harmful all-or-nothing, exclusionary thinking of the Evangelical Christian Megachurch we had attended, we are venturing into new terrain. It’s different and new, but we are feeling safer taking steps forward as our new church (Foothills Disciples Christian Church, aka Foothills) fully includes and welcomes everyone to the table and is a much safer place to explore the doubts and the unknowns of our faith journeys. I felt an incredible pull to reflect on my journey from the past year and where it looks like I’m heading, so here it is! I hope y’all enjoy the wild ride!
I realized quickly that I couldn’t fully talk about everything I have been through and where I am now without going back to the CCV series that started my exit countdown clock. I knew I would be referencing this specific church series that readers who had not attended CCV wouldn’t be aware of. Even though I linked the series for clarity, I do not recommend anyone watch it, especially those struggling with accepting themselves, trusting their inner voice, and if you are a part of or love anyone in the LGBTQ+ community (the queer community). I now have more of the tools to be able to watch this series without soaking its harmful messaging in, but rewatching it in full was definitely not an easy task, remembering just how deeply a past version of me had been impacted by its existence. This is truly a full overview of this series, not without my rainbow bias of course, but… isn’t that the point?
So, without a further ado…
In August of 2023, CCV announced they would be preaching a sermon series entitled “Sexuality.” This series had a goal of making it clear where "the bible” (ahem, CCV’s conservative interpretation of the bible) stood on certain “transgender ideologies” and “alternative sexual ethics.” This included an announcement at an all-staff meeting about the series, an introduction of new materials detailing how we would handle those who subscribed to those “alternative ethics,” and a lot of audience cheering that made me feel like a lamb in a lions’ den. Before this series, CCV had never preached or declared anything about its stance on this issue, claiming to be welcoming to all people. But when the series was announced and in motion, my childhood hopes of God’s/CCV’s (same thing, right?) inclusiveness were officially killed.
The series would be shown in 3 parts: 2 parts led by CCV’s senior pastor Ashley Wooldridge and the final part by guest speaker Sam Allberry. While Ashley is a straight man— a husband, father, and pastor— Sam was a guest wildcard as he was apparently someone who “struggled” with same-sex attraction, but instead decided that he would live a celibate, single life and become a pastor of a church in Nashville. I don’t think I even watched his week of the series in its original run, but I went ahead and watched it this time.
My heart truly goes out to this sweet man, who has “only ever had real romantic and sexual feelings for men.” He talks about how he had always dreamed of having a life partner and being a father, but believes that these are sacrifices he needs to make in order to follow God. He talks about how there is far more dirt in our hearts than we realize and that we were not born with pure hearts we can taint with one mistake, but instead that we were born with adulterous hearts and were never and will never be pure. (Fun!) He believes that Jesus deserves and is worthy of no less than everything about our lives, believing that we are required as believers to say no to the deepest longings in our hearts as Jesus will satisfy any desire for love and intimacy spiritually. I took these notes from his message, but I didn’t feel the need to combat any of them as I was just so sad to hear about this poor man’s inner struggle.
So, moving forward, I will focus only on Ashley as he has been the main pastor I have experienced during my time at CCV.
CCV’s stance on the matter was made perfectly clear almost instantly: being gay or trans (or any letter of the rainbow ABC’s) was wrong in the eyes of God.
Week 1: “The Sexual Revolution”
Even though this opinion was one that had never sat right with me, what sat worse was Ashley’s delivery of it, which he made sure to cushion with a plea for grace. He gave a warning that he would probably say something that was painful or hurtful, but said that was “not his intention at all” which apparently excuses him from all the hurt and pain he would cause with his words, especially because he believed so fully that he was sharing the truth. He asked the crowd not to applaud— as he had allowed the week before at the public announcement of the series— to be sensitive to those who may be in the audience. Ya know, because CCV is the kind of church that needs to be reminded not to exclude people who are different.
He continues by stating 2 “bullseyes” for the series, which I am particularly confounded by:
“1. Even if you disagree with something said in this series, I pray you would still feel deeply loved at CCV. In fact, if you’re here today and you’re wondering and struggling, wondering if you can come into a church like this and wrestle and be different or feel different and are just wondering if you would ever be loved and ever be welcomed at a church like this, look me in the face right now.
It is a definitive YES. WE LOVE YOU.2. I want to teach you God’s truth.
I am going to boldly and unashamedly teach you God’s word.”—Ashley Wooldridge, Sexuality Week 1
He takes an immediate jump into sarcasm, mimicking how some may remark about sexuality. “Whatever sexual things are inside you, just let it loose, baby!” He goes on to say that “sexual sin is different than most any other type of sin” and that “you don’t even have to understand that fully to know that it’s true.” (Okay?) Then, he does what has become a signature move of Ashley’s: pointing out what people may feel most guilty about and labeling those feelings as a notification that Satan was behind it. He speaks of the cultural moment focusing on making “God’s design” look out of date and weird, perpetuating this “anything goes” thinking.
I am definitely way more openminded about sex than Ashley Wooldridge, no doubt. And so are many other people, Christians and not. But to make the assumption or —in this case, when you’re preaching what you believe is “the truth” to thousands of people— the ACCUSATION that ALL queer people are in favor of an “anything goes” mindset for their own sex lives is extremely limiting and offensive. With this flawed logic, it makes sense that my husband Zach was called into a meeting with the executive pastors after I was fired for “claiming to be” bisexual. They believed they had the right to interrogate my husband (without me present) on the intimate details of our sex life, because being queer— to CCV— is synonymous with unfaithfulness, non-monogamy, and sexual deviance.
Ashley goes on to tell the tale as old as conservative time: “Our grandparents would have never heard these things!” He talks about trans people (“I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!”), gay people (“I’m gay” lol oh yeah, NO old people were gay and hiding it or anything), polyamorous couples (“I want an open marriage!”), and THEN— people who want to identify as ANIMALS… just as an FYI: the “A” in LGBTQIA is for “asexual” not "animals.” Didn’t think that was something I would need to explain, but here I am.
Let’s forget the separation of church and state for a second… there is no LGBTQ+ claim to support BESTIALITY. And, while we’re here, there is also no claim to support PEDOPHLIA. While the queer community is often accused and unrightfully punished for these types of assumptions, there are actually plenty of cases in the bible and in churches where children are forced into marriages with older men or child abuse is covered up for the sake of a strict conservative church’s reputation. The shock value Ashley adds when he shows a photo of a man who paid for surgeries to physically appear as a dog is a fear tactic he is using to manipulate an already conservative audience. And unfortunately, as I heard from other church members around me in the days following this message, it worked.
He links this dog-person idea (along with a dramatic 9/11 metaphor) with the sexual revolution and its terribly damaging ideas of expressive individualism and following your heart. I think this article— though from a faith-based magazine and written by a Mormon author— gives a good overview of what CCV thinks is wrong. I do think it very odd that it’s the first thing that came up on Google when I search “define expressive individualism,” kinda proving how popular CCV’s opinion is even though they claim to be Christ-like underdogs. The article certainly takes a more humble approach to it than Ashley, but it still analyzes things in a black-and-white view (as shown below).
Ashley continues to mock this type of thinking by crying out “My FEELINGS! My EMOTIONS!” He makes fun of those who claim that they are living as their authentic selves and warns against the idea of “following your heart” which is “not found anywhere in scripture.”(He might as well be explicitly mocking me and my blog, though I know he wasn’t aware of my blog at this point.) And then, he shares my least favorite bible verse— that always made me cry every service he would preach with it— was shown on the screen.
And upon my rewatch, I became angered on behalf of this younger me, who was gaslit and told she didn’t know what she wanted or what she believed or what she felt. This church only continued that harmful rhetoric with its uplifting of this verse in the way that they did. “Ever followed your heart and made one of the worst decisions of your life?” I think he might have confused the metaphorical heart with the physical penis, or perhaps unregulated anger, or untreated trauma? But no, he goes on to say that “nothing will ever deceive you more than your own sexual thoughts and emotions.” He might as well be chanting DON’T TRUST YOURSELF over and over again, which I am just not sure which demographic benefits from. If there is one, I don’t think they’re listening to it…
He continues by talking about how our identities are “given to us by God and not discovered by us.” Again with the black-and-white thinking, but how about we discover the identity God gave us? Anyways… he says that people who identify in anything other than God are like cars deciding to fill their gas tanks with water instead of petrol (I’ve been watching a lot of Bluey), meaning you shouldn’t be surprised when your car (your life) breaks down. He uses another vehicle comparison when he compares us to trains. In this analogy, “following our hearts” is us veering off the tracks, which— for a train— is not freedom, but a trainwreck.
Man… When you speak in absolutes (which only Siths do, right?), you leave plenty of room for people to critique you, which is honestly really therapeutic for me, so thanks! Our identities are made up of so many parts of our lives. So much so that simply saying we are “children of God” isn’t informational enough, especially when people identifying as Christians these days are unfortunately seen by others as unsafe, hateful people (cuz in too many cases, they are). WHY CAN’T WE SAY MORE? I believe I am a child of God, but I also identify as queer, as Colombian, as a woman, as a mother, as an artist, as a storyteller, as a singer, a friggin’ Disney adult… and a bunch of other labels that I think can live in perfect harmony with “child of God.” And I think I have the right to believe that God gave all of that to me, without being told I should feel guilty for celebrating individual parts of the person God made me to be.
Ashley says that we can’t say we believe in Jesus and then ask God to align with our heart and feelings, referencing the Adam and Eve story— the story of “original sin”— where the snake (aka Satan) convinces Eve to take a bite of the forbidden apple. While hissing like a snake, Ashley says “Did he reeeeally sssay…” referring to how thinking through options in our head is led by Satan. I think this type of Satan talk only adds more anxiety to the young Christian’s already over-flowing anxious mind about which of our thoughts are from Satan when, in reality, all of our thoughts are just the natural ebbs and flows of doubt, discovery, and likely hormones. Why does CCV feel the need to label what may be called our conscious or gut or instincts as the voice of Satan?
“Without God,” Ashley says. “You take on the horrifying task of being God in your own life.” Well, since God is not a puppeteer, we are not forced to live any certain way. In many ways, the free will God gave us allowed us to have choice in how to live. And, even with the bible— which is maybe not as clear as many Christians would prefer— you can make a whole lot of mistakes and do things in ways that Jesus wouldn’t do, which is imperfectly human of us. Take, say, this whole series for example. This series feelings especially pointed, as if he’s trying to shove it into the face of someone he knows or something, and I have to wonder… if Ashley claims to know how to hear CLEAR messages from God, it feels to me like he’s using his power as a pastor improperly and is trying to play God in the lives of others. Just something to ponder…
Ashley continues to dig his own grave in my mind by claiming that the sexual revolution “failed” and that “EVERY” statistic/study says it. Man, oh, man, to have the confidence and delusion of a straight, male conservative pastor… To say there are no studies that even suggest the opposite is an insane and inaccurate claim. “The most sexually satisfied demographic in America today are Christians that hold to a biblical ethic from God in Genesis chapter 2 confirmed by Jesus in Matthew chapter 19 that sex is confined inside of a marriage between one man and one woman in a covenant.” That sure is a long title to that totally real-sounding statistic. And if I know anything about the fear that permeates church members (and I do), I know that asking someone for their honest answer doesn’t always give you an honest answer. I had multiple coworkers that ranked CCV highest in all categories on the “best church workplaces survey” in fear that CCV would be able to tell who said what… which, when we were required to disclose our team, gender, and position to answer the questions, seemed probable enough that even I gave cushion to my negative answers in fear of reprimand.
I don’t want to take the time to look up studies proving the ridiculousness of Ashley’s claims, but I know there are many. And thankfully, I recently read a chapter of the book Dialogues on Sex entitled “Sex and Marriage: The Search for Holy Intimacy,” where Dr. Tina Schermer Shellers talks about her experiences with couples harmed by the limiting, sexist teachings of sex in the church.
“Many women are drowning in sexual shame, immersed in centuries of misplaced patriarchal blame, afraid to feel the delicious power that lies just beneath the surface of their desires. Interestingly, a big exception to that pattern can be found in same-sex relationships.
Given that lesbian and gay couples enter their relationships already willing to resist a structure that has told them for thousands of years how their sexual relationships ought to look, may feel a certain freedom to craft a sexual relationship that they want, dispelling myths together, exploring and learning together, and sharing a remarkable sense of liberation. They often come into their relationships with a willingness to learn and to be creative.
Some heterosexual couples show an aptitude for thinking creatively too, in spite of the sexual shame that has permeated our culture both inside and outside of the church. But those couples are the exception, not the rule.”
— Dr. Tina Schermer Shellers (sex therapist, family therapist, author, and educator)
And yet, Ashley continues (as he sadly continues to do) by claiming that we are worse off than we were 60 years ago, stating that “American happiness has hit record lows since the introduction of the sexual revolution,” “divorce rates have doubled,” and that “we are destroying marriage and families and kids because we have bought into a lie.” Well, that escalated quickly. Especially when the assumption is that liberating people of restrictive cultural expectations of sex was the cause of that unhappiness, and not the newfound knowledge that there was a path of freedom out of the current societal shackles they had been living in… But I digress…
And, it seems Ashley also digresses as he points to the graph shown below and comments “You might not be able to see this chart but it says the more unhindered you let your sexual life be the less sexual satisfaction [you experience].” Maybe I can’t read, but I really don’t see any part of the graphic that says that… so, let’s move past this point Ashley didn’t even make a proper attempt at.
“That feels so oppressive and not progressive enough… let it loossssse, baby!” Ashley continues to mock, taking on the role of the snake once again. And then, he tries to use a C.S. Lewis quote to prove his point that “the most progressive thing this country could do is to align ourselves with God’s word and not with the world and sexual revolution.” Is CCV suddenly wanting to be labeled as progressive? Weird.
Well, Ashley is so sure he is on the right road, he is not even open to the possibility of reflecting. I question everything I ever think and believe, which is why I stayed at CCV as long as I did. I was trapped in a cycle of being gaslit. Progress, for me, definitely meant doing a u-turn and walking to the right road, away from that church.
It’s crazy how many times Ashley raises his voice when approaching this topic with “gentleness and humility.” “THIS IS NOT REPRESSIVE.” Sure, say it louder and I’m sure you’ll scare more people into believing it. He then yells “I am the most pro-sex pastor!” which is another hilarious claim to make, but I won’t argue with you on that point, Ashley, ya little minx. I will, however, call out your mocking tone and your argument on what is oppressive and what is not. When someone’s expression, their freedom to live as a human as they choose, is denied… that’s oppression. This need for control that Ashley and CCV are perpetuating causes mental pressure and distress in its members. The “clear” finality of everything he preaches and how they swiftly punish those who lack adherence to the one and only truth is oppressive. Even if your “intention” is to say it with “all the love in your heart,” it can still do widespread damage and contribute to the discrimination, oppression, and spread of misinformation about a minority group.
It’s tough to hear Ashley compare himself to politicians by saying “I can say this because I’m not a politician looking for votes. I’m a pastor that cares about your soul.” I would say his take on pastoring is extremely informed by political tactics (and specific fear-mongering tactics such as dramatic oversimplification, exaggerated threats, and emotional manipulation). And, not unlike politicians, there are people backing his church financially through tithing, which means giving 10% or more of your paycheck back to your church. And, since the elder board (the group of church members who make CCV’s decisions) and its members are kept under wraps, it is impossible to know where the overlap is between who is an elder and who tithes the most. With so many secrets, it’s difficult to see where the line of accountability is. And yes, each church member’s giving is tracked and staff members are required to have 10% of their paycheck go to tithing— which is taken out before they ever see the money. No setting up automatic payments, just never seeing that money in the first place. It’s almost as if staff doesn’t even tithe; they just make less money.
Ashley also defines expression as the opposite of denial. There is a certain, specific way to follow Jesus and it’s by leaving everything else behind and following him. I know this to be a harmful idea because I have experienced it myself and have seen other less-aware Christians be crushed by this dangerous oversimplification. Some of the most dedicated Christians I know (basically born and raised at CCV) have reframed their real-life rejections and failures as God reminding them that we are worth nothing, like dirt, and need to be more humble and open to God’s will. These are the types of self-denying Christians that CCV creates: ones that sadly carry this damaging message of never being enough, not just to project on others but also to continuously beat into themselves. No part of me believes this was what Jesus would have wanted.
Ashley narrows in even further, making sure his message is clear. He believes that queer people are making “the core of their identity their sexuality,” choosing to make “genital eroticism the central point of their lives,” and “making sex into an identity instead of an activity.” Again, I point back to what I have already written above, groan, and continue to ask…
Why does Ashley want us to be scared of the complexity of humanity and try to narrow our view of ourselves solely to God instead of any of the gifts, desires, and talents he has given us? Why is it so hard to see that this minority group is fighting for their right to exist in many spaces? Of course they will be required to make their sexuality a bigger part of their identity; people identify them based on their sexuality! CCV fired me because of my sexuality. They made my sexuality my identity when they escorted me off-campus and no pastor ever reached out to me again.
Why does Ashley want to paint all members of the queer community as sexualized freaks who care only about their own genitals and nothing else? There are definitely people who believe those things, always have been and always will be; they’re allowed to live their lives how they choose. But to make this claim in the way that he did in a series about the church’s stance on LGBTQ+ inclusion only introduces more obstacles. The conservative people at CCV viewing people different from them as scary and dangerous animals instead of other fellow humans who share a lot more qualities than they realize only inspires more exclusion.
Why does Ashley fail to see that the activity of sex was only somewhat recently accepted socially and legally for queer people? People are not their attractions, but if they are told to be ashamed and never act on those attractions, those bottled-up parts of us will become a very powerfully charged part of us. Sexual identifications are just that, but when oppressed, they become the burden we have to bear and the part of ourselves we either choose to neglect and reject or take pride in and fight for. It may matter more or less to some based on their level of desire and attraction— for example, if you only experience strong heterosexual desires, which is fully accepted by the law and within our society— your understanding of sexual freedom is different.
As a staff member at the point that the series graphics and content were being created, I heard a lot of the “behind the scenes” brainstorming talk. Leadership had gone back and forth with what to title this series, having the design team I was working on at the time (though thankfully I had no part in this series’ creation) whip up some series art playing with titles like “sexuality,” “identity” and— at a certain point— “itching ears.” Why? Well, for those lucky enough to not have been inundated with evangelical bullshit, this is a reference to bible verse 2 Timothy 4:3.
NLT: “For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear.”
or alternatively in the Passion Translation:
TPT: “For the time is coming when they will no longer listen and respond to the healing words of truth because they will become selfish and proud. They will seek out teachers with soothing words that line up with their desires, saying just what they want to hear.”
As you can see, it’s very easy to take whatever approach you want to this verse. I would say that everything Ashley is preaching to his already intensely conservative crowd is EXACTLY what their itching ears want to hear. Ashley is not coming to this message with humility and gentleness, but with the pride and aggressiveness of someone who has the knowledge and power to influence the masses and has only one direction he will allow listeners to go.
Ashley declared that claiming the identity of “gay man” is “Satan controlling our identity through our activity,” which is a great example of fear-mongering and manipulation. “Once he has linked the two, he has won.” This is all proclaimed “truth” that doesn’t even come from the bible. It’s crazy how hypocritical someone can get if they are desperately trying to get one point across. Hey church, when you feel like you’re receiving good news from the bible, you are actually being controlled by Satan and shouldn’t ever trust your own interpretations, unless they align with CCV’s.
“I will not tell you what your itching ears want to hear. I am accountable to God not to you.” That’s for sure, Ashley. And I hope you are held accountable for all of the damage this message is doing.
He then goes on to define baptism as a way to show we “die to ourselves and our desires and what we think.” He then goes on to mock people who may be thinking or saying a version of “You can have every part of my life except for this one. I want to do what I want to do.” Again and again, Ashley really gives in to this black-and-white thinking that says doing anything outside of what HE BELIEVES God wants is bad, leaving no room for any other interpretation or difference in opinion.
He also declares that there are 4 types of love according to the Bible, even though other Christian sources site there being 7 types of love in the bible, while a wider group of people say the Greeks define 8-12 types of love. After claiming there is only romantic/sexual love (which he counts as one), friendship love, family love, and God’s unconditional love to prove we don’t need just romantic/sexual love to find love… I am left wondering if he is saying that all gay people who can’t go bisexual are required to be celibate and single to live according to God’s word. Because singleness is not something that is rewarded or celebrated by CCV; ask any single person on staff and they will tell you how singled out they feel for being unwed, even when heterosexual. “Be careful how you define love,” Ashley warns, as if loving God, your spouse, and your children somehow turns deviant and selfish if the spouses in question are the same gender.
And now, Ashley steps aside as what CCV calls a “life story” comes up on the screen. A married couple is sitting together and sharing how they once were a happy gay man and a content lesbian woman, but were now in a relationship with each other after hearing “the truth” from Jesus. I am not sitting here and calling them liars, but I definitely think this is something that can happen if your sexual preferences are maybe more open than you originally thought, as in perhaps you’re bisexual or pansexual, or perhaps have changed naturally over time, as preferences sometimes do. I personally don’t have specific preferences in physicality in the way that many people do, but I do have emotional preferences that I believe any gender has the capability of offering. I just so happened to fall in love with a man, which— in CCV’s view— was the “right” thing to do because it’s the “biblical” thing to do. Because the gender of my partner happens to fall into what they define as good for me, I am somehow put into the category of people who are “obeying” God even if it was just my attraction and love that led me to Zach.
It’s hard to think about what would have happened to me at CCV in the first place if I had fallen in love with and married a woman or a nonbinary person. The judgement and exclusion I would have faced before they even got to know me would have become an even bigger roadblock in my faith journey. And no matter how much I did for the church or any other characteristics about me, this was still the most important part about me once they found out.
The couple in the video is not to blame and are allowed to do whatever they want and whatever truly fulfills them in their lives. But I don’t think there’s a need for us to take on their story as truth in the way that ever queer person should apply it to their own lives. Gay men aren’t gay men because their fathers didn’t “activate the masculine seed within him” and lesbian women aren’t created because of an “anger or judgement against men that they must confess and repent of.” That’s simply their story that applies to them, hopefully genuinely.
“Just because you feel something,” Ashley warns. “doesn’t make it right.”He uses the example of him resisting his sexual urges when he sees an attractive woman, saying he can’t just act on it. That was his whole point. He didn’t mention the fact that he would be violating the commitments he made to his wife in marriage or the fact that he would need to ask this random woman on the street for consent. No, in the world of queer people there are no rules or commitments and everyone is ready to have sex with everyone all the time. (Don’t tell him about asexual or demisexual people, my goodness…he wouldn’t be able to handle it.) I’d say: just because it’s naturally-occurring doesn’t mean Satan is behind it.
Then, he brings up how queer people are not “born that way,” claiming there is no DNA evidence that it can be true. He says a predisposition doesn’t tell you whether something is right or wrong at all, comparing queerness to predispositions like alcoholism, depression, drug addiction, and heart disease. Wow. Such gentleness, such humility… as he compares being queer to being addicted to drugs.
I hate this argument, not only because of his rude comparisons, but mostly because it’s not relevant. He feels the need to fight against the idea that for a characteristic to be valid, it has to be present since birth. He says this when his identification and many people’s identification as Christians were most certainly not present at birth.
I also came across a fantastic TED Talk that details the reasons why queer people are not really “born that way” but how that doesn’t matter in the slightest. It’s a short video by Dr. Lisa Diamond, who is performing a study with 100 women and their changes in sexuality over the last 20 years.
And yet, Ashley still pulls out a bible verse to claim that queer people are just “copying” behavior they see out in the world. He says this as if heterosexual relationships haven’t been pushed on children, either through Disney movies or through what I see as the adult obsession of talking about kids’ future dating lives (“oh my goodness, what a ladykiller he’s gonna be!” “She’s so beautiful, you better watch out for boys, dad!”). And I was just as easily copying churchy behaviors around me since I was 15 (holding my arms up in worship because everyone else was, using certain Christian terms that I felt the pressure to use especially during prayer, always acting friendly and agreeable even when I felt the opposite, etc) thinking I was being “good and pleasing and perfect” because I had to be. I believe that God can transform people and change the way they think. And I sincerely hope that Ashley and the other leaders at CCV that have expressed sexist and exclusive “truths” in the name of Jesus are able to be transformed as well. (#TransRights lol)
By the end of this watch-through as Gabby in 2025, I was teetering back and forth between guffawing and fuming with anger for the version of Gabby in 2023 that felt so very trapped experiencing this series in real time. “There are people here right now that are wondering if they would be loved deeply at this church.” And they have a right to wonder, to fear it actually, because if you are doubting, or unsure, good luck trying to gain any understanding from a CCV loyalist and expect only big, emotional pushes to come to the same conclusion they did, per Ashley’s requirements.
Even though Ashley had “no intention” to be hurtful, he was. And even if he has all intentions of loving the queer community deeply, he didn’t and hasn’t. Ask a therapist and they’ll let you know that the receiver of the intended love is the only person who can tell you whether they felt loved or not. Not you, Ashley. Not your exclusive and steadfast beliefs on what the bible says they should feel. Only that person. And if someone, a whole group of someones, is telling you about their experience of being oppressed, you don’t get to decide that they aren’t actually being oppressed, especially as the oppressor. Even though Ashley aims to balance “truth” and “grace,” he fails at this as he emotionally manipulates once more…
“If your heart is beating a little bit fast right now, (as mine was and is as the anger rises in me) you know that God is calling you to put your identity in God and not in your orientation, not in your attractions, not your feelings.”
Damn. Well, Ashley said God says it.
And we can’t argue with God, can we?
Week 2: “Gender Dysphoria & the Transgender Movement”
As a trek forward, I am moved by a lot of emotions, but I’m trying to get through this already insanely long post as succinctly (lol) as I can. If you want to hear more of my beliefs and research on transgender individuals, I wrote about being a trans ally in the post linked below.
Ashley reminds us again that he is for sure attempting to be gentle and humble this time and that he prays we’ll still feel deeply loved at CCV. In Ashley’s singular “biblical” definition of love, he loves us. Love, to Christians like Ashley, is the deep concern for someone’s welfare in the afterlife. But to many, to me, and to those that even partly subscribe to pesky expressive individualism, love is defined by acceptance and a lack of judgement. It makes sense that Ashley claiming to be loving and welcoming to all LGBTQ people makes sense to him and is a bunch of poppycock to me.
CCV is not LGBTQ-affirming, does not allow queer people’s full participation in the church, and even has an outlined recommendation on their “alternative sexual ethics” pamphlet saying that those who identify as LGBTQ should wait to be baptized until they have made a choice to leave that lifestyle. I don’t believe there is any real version of Jesus that would DENY someone’s desire to be baptized based on the laws and traditions of any church organization. Like I said… POPPYCOCK. And, because this fact fills me with rage (righteous anger, if you will) over the unknown and untracked statistic of how many queer people have been quietly and casually turned away and made to feel unwelcome when they had a genuine desire to reach for a relationship with Jesus through baptism. Shame on the pastors who denied them in the name of Jesus.
If CCV truly wanted “EVERYONE to be able to go to CCV and experience the life-changing message of Jesus,” wouldn’t that mean everyone would be allowed to be baptized, no matter what? Wouldn’t that mean that queer people would be allowed to work with children? Oh, but we can’t. Why? Because CCV teaches fear. And what are Christians fearing right now? That transgender and queer people are after their children (and gold medals in sports, I guess).
“Gender dysphoria, or the transgender movement is the most confusing out of all the topics I will talk about.” He shares about when he went to an LGBTQ conference with fellow CCV pastor Mark Moore (you might remember him from my McDonald’s story in a previous post). In an attempt to be openminded, they accepted an invitation from a queer person they cared about and attended the conference, though he didn’t tell the story that way in the message. When a queer person at the big table they were sitting at became frustrated with Ashley’s lack of understanding, they brought up an info graphic: The Genderbread Person.
Ashley goes on to explain the image (which I think is pretty self-explanatory) with perceived ease. He gets it! How is he going to follow this up?
“AnYoNe ElSe FiNd ThIs CoNfUsInG?”
And, real quick, imagine being the person who shared the graphic. They were feeling comfortable enough to share with a pastor and then feeling like they finally got through to him. That must have felt so wonderful. But THEN he uses their and info graphic as an example of how sick and twisted and confusing your community is. That probably felt really shitty. You tried your best, whoever you are. Some people are actively trying not to hear us.
Ashley goes on to say that the claim that everything is a spectrum and “that gender is a mental trait more than physical” are false and unbiblical. (Man, I really wish that instead of preaching this to millions, he was just presenting this as an end-of-year persuasive Powerpoint in my high school language arts class, where Mr. Bausch and the other ravenous debaters in that class would have torn him apart. Anyways—) He warns of the dangers of this graphic and another graphic using a unicorn to aim more toward kids (cuz the gingerbread person is too adult for them) because the queer community and queer allies want to teach children at every age (or as he says dramatically “at the youngest ages”) how to think about gender…. as if the church doesn’t also try to indoctrinate (or “save” depending on your personal beliefs) kids “at the youngest ages.” Aren’t we all just trying to teach our kids what is important to us and that we believe is essential to learn?
We get it Ashley, you feel very differently about gender than queer people. And you and your family are allowed to do what you want with that, but I think this type of one-sided hate speech masquerading as gentle and humble is downright irresponsible as it will fanaticize those who are already afraid of people who differ from them. Preaching these types of things and suggesting that CCV members “invite their friends” is not a good idea if those people were hoping to maintain those relationships. How does this help more people come to Christ? #Pharisee
“Confusion is a result of removing yourself from God’s design.” That’s not even what the couple they interviewed in the last message said. It wasn’t until being introduced to the loaded idea that they had it all wrong that the woman even began to doubt. And let’s not forget that Ashley was able to teach the audience about every part of that Genderbread Person, which— from my time as a first grade teacher— is a mark of comprehension and understanding, not confusion.
Next, he tried to accuse the queer community/trans people specifically/the world generally of perpetuating the idea of the mind/body split. But, as Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers writes in Dialogues on Sexuality, this idea was cemented by Aristotle and Plato which “set the stage for the fourth-century Christian church, under Constantine’s rule, to develop a distinctly sex-negative, woman-negative sexual ethic.”
“Men, vying for position and power in the young church, demonstrated their spiritual prowess by denying the body and its natural desires for connection and pleasure, elevating the spiritual mind as master over the base body. It’s important to understand that the ‘skill’ of rejecting physical connection and pleasure had nothing to do with the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. It was based on the dis-integration of the human person— on severing the inherent oneness of mind and body, thereby disavowing a major part of the human experience.
Having aligned women with the physical (and men to the mind, beginning the hierarchical arrangement we know today as the patriarchy), the church and culture paved the way for women to be reduced to sexual objects, all while the God-given human desire for connection and pleasure came to be seen by most people in authority as perverted and something to be conquered.”
— Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers, Dialogues on Sexuality
Additionally, while Ashley is trying to make the point that trans and/or queer people don’t think their body has value and have a desire to disconnect it from their minds, trans and queer people are doing the opposite. They want their bodies to match up and link more to how they feel inside, not unlike a person who wants to alter their body at the gym, dye their hair, pierce or tattoo their body, or choose surgical or medical procedures to hide their wrinkles, lose weight, or even go up a few bra sizes. Is Viagra not, by this definition, gender-affirming care?
Ashley shares a verse from Genesis that says “God created mankind in his own image… male and female he created them.” If God is the God of peace and not confusion, I guess I’m getting the clear message that God prefers he/him pronouns and is also both male and female or some mix of both. Righteous! This reminds me of the Native American-specific term for nonbinary people “Two-Spirit” — which I think plays well with the whole Trinity thing. What fun!
Oh.. But Ashley doesn’t want God to be quite that creative in his all-powerful creative abilities. He says without the two distinct genders, “we lose the image of God.” But it almost seems like the opposite. It seems that both genders, and whatever apparently highly spiritual people fall between them, are actually all showcasing God and his image. (Maybe God’s he/they. That also plays well with the idea of the Trinity.)
(A quick apology— and perhaps a you’re welcome— for my never-ending cycle of changing tone. I understand it might be confusing, which is why I plan to record myself speaking this aloud. But I also think it’s tough to keep both my feet dug deep into the serious for too long, especially when I feel this passionately about a topic and I gave myself the insane task of reacting to it all in one post.)
He takes this moment to speak about intersex people (or “hermaphrodites” as he says they used to be called) and how “crazy crazy crazy rare rare” of a “birth defect” it is. And after all this talk of honoring the body you were born with, Ashley seems like he would lean toward surgical procedures to change, take out, or give intersex babies the correct part to reaffirm the gender it appears they are. But he also mentions babies born without arms and wildly asks if we should cut off the arms of babies who have arms if they wanted to cut them off. “It’s my body! Mine!” He goes on to say that this intersex “defect” has no known causes but throws out how it is possibly “related to the fall of the world that we have introduced.” Nice. Okay, and what are your thoughts about the disabled ministry at CCV? Do we draw lines on who is perfectly and wonderfully made?
The intensity of these accusations— claiming that our minds/Satan are somehow tricking us into “mutilating our bodies”— is pretty shocking. It’s enough to scare anyone who feels unequipped to argue such things. He also quotes Nancy Pearcey, an author and speaker with a master’s degree in seminary, saying that “Feelings can change. But the body is an observable fact that does not change. It makes sense to treat it as a reliable marker of gender identity.” To claim that the body doesn’t change or cannot be changed is also a ludicrous statement, but her writing experience definitely makes it sound like she’s got all the right answers. From what I read about her on her website, she has spoken to a scientist, but she is not one herself.
Ashley goes on to dig his heels in further, against the idea of surgical changes to one’s body to affirm the gender they align with. “Our hearts should break that we would ever cut and mutilate a young child’s body gender-wise. That breaks God’s heart.” Phew. He really saved himself from the circumcision argument with that “gender-wise,” right? (hehe No.) He also tries to compare being trans to being anorexic, but— even though both groups can experience a type of dysphoria or dysmorphia— they are obviously very different, even just in the range of ways transgender individuals desire to show up in the world. Not all transgender people want or can afford surgery. Does this make some transgender people more wonderfully made than others if all they do is change their hair and clothes?
Next, he goes for the big guns, calling the common saying (often used on signs at rallies in support of the trans community) YOU CAN EITHER HAVE A LIVING SON OR A DEAD DAUGHTER “emotional terrorism.” Ashley is insinuating that our culture is lying to us and that the statistics about increased suicide attempts among transgender and nonbinary youth aren’t real. Honestly, I wish he was right about this one, but he is not. Somehow, he has labeled actual real statistics and stories of real transgender and gender-expansive individuals’ deaths as “emotional terrorism,” when this entire series (and honestly his preaching style outside of this series) fits the definition of emotional terrorism more accurately. “You have to affirm me or I am going to commit suicide.” Oh my goodness, Ashley…. Transgender people (or anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts) are not killing themselves to prove a point or get back at the people who rejected them; they are hurting and they think they are worthless…It’s almost like they could be listening to Ashley’s sermons or other sermons like it that preach a self-degrading gospel and parade it as the good news of Jesus.
Suicide is not a temper tantrum nor is it something you should blame someone for. It is also not something anyone should joke about, let alone a pastor. He gave an example of giving his wife the ultimatum “You have to affirm me in my being non-monogamous or I will kill myself. You can have a living non-monagomus husband or a dead monogamous one.” I don’t know if Ashley knows that this saying is in response to the increased trans suicides and not what people yell at their loved ones before committing suicide. That would be emotional terrorism, but that’s not what’s happening. And again, he would be violating the agreement him and his wife made on their wedding day and had decided everyday together since to stay monogamous. (Why does gay/trans = non-monogamy to Ashley??)
I don’t think Ashley understands that the saying he quoted and joked about is something activists write on their signs at rallies, trying to make the point that parents who are their kid’s first bully— who are withholding love from, making fun of, or even disowning their children— need to be able to confront the reality they are in. Their actions have consequences and their words have the ability to build worlds as well as destroy them.
Sorrow is right. But the feelings are still valid.
I think the sorrow already exists before the arguing. Clay is not sentient, nor is it gifted the intelligence to create for itself. It would probably be upsetting if a baby asked why they were born or why they were made the way they were, but… those are also real feelings and questions that anyone is allowed to ask and wrestle with. Are we really so worried about following the bible like a set of rules, that we want to teach our kids not to question things?
The Bible is not a univocal syllabus, but is instead a collection of stories, many containing metaphors and poetry that— along with years upon years of different translations with human error riddling it along the way— make it hard to decipher and perhaps impossible to draw out clear messages in all areas. And if this was a perfect gift from God, maybe certainty and uniformity wasn’t God’s goal.
I could keep going in circles with Ashley’s sermons. We obviously believe very differently.
I believe that gender is more of a social construct and that harmful gender roles are perpetuated by the church. Ashley disagrees and doesn’t think gender is a social construct (even though every female project manager I met at CCV had the experience of being asked by a male team lead to fetch them coffee, assuming they were assistants).
Ashley dismisses the idea of any fluidity in gender by saying that without solid definitions of two sexes, degrading stereotypes would be there to define sex. But I see that degrading stereotypes are already here and are already doing damage, especially in the church.
He argues that transgender people further perpetuate gender stereotypes, but people living outside of the gender binary are, by definition, doing the opposite. If we need to define who women are to “protect their rights,” it doesn’t sound like the goal is protection. And it certainly doesn’t sound like a step toward equal rights. It feels like a desperate grab for control in a world where the culture is no longer heavily informed by the opinions of the church… but that’s just what I believe.
If CCV’s goal was to protect women, they wouldn’t have fired women for bringing sexual harassment and assault up to HR and instead held the male pastors accountable and removed them from their higher positions.
If CCV’s goal is to protect children, why are they not standing up about the need for gun control or talking about children being murdered in Gaza (where the amazing and wonderful Ms. Rachel is actually taking the lead in championing)? Instead, they’re offended and take aggressive action toward anyone who challenges their decisions, even via Instagram.
If they really wanted to make sure everyone felt loved and welcomed at CCV, they would hear people’s struggles, their doubts, and their criticism and open a dialogue. But instead, they push away people who don’t perfectly align, fire staff members who make the mistake of asking someone they trust for help, and they beef up their marketing team and social media programs to be able to track certain people who they think could negatively affect their brand. They speak badly about those who have disagreed with them, who left and made names for themselves elsewhere, even if they are still working in the church world.
If there is one thing I can agree with Ashley on: CCV needs to do better— especially in the way they have undoubtedly contributed to gender stereotypes. They should be working toward female leadership, with female campus pastors, female teaching pastors, and female executive pastors. I’ll take a gamble and guess their secret elder board probably doesn’t include women, so I’ll add that in as well.
There needs to be a DEI initiative at CCV. There needs to be more people on staff from different backgrounds and upbringings, and not just the school friends or family members of people already on staff who all come from Peoria, Arizona and drive pickup trucks with oversized American flags hanging off the back. With the amount of people attending CCV every weekend at all 17-and-counting campuses, they need to realize the power and responsibility they hold in bringing even more people to the welcoming table of Jesus Christ by widening their exclusive circles, not by drawing even more dividing lines.
Deep Breath, it’s over.
Something that hurt me deeply as I processed my firing and Zach’s departure from CCV was how much I had underestimated their sensitivity and legalistic attitude toward differing beliefs. Even though I come to this post now guns ablaze, it’s only because a part of me is fiercely protecting the inner child in me that struggles heavily with feeling rejected. A therapist once told me that my adoption/relinquishment trauma makes social rejection feel like a life or death situation. There is still a part of me, maybe the youngest and most foundational part of me, that yearns with all her being to belong. And that belonging being taken away was difficult to wrestle with, leaving me feeling as if I belonged nowhere.
And still another part of me tried for so long to be what they wanted me to be. I’m sad for that part as well, for thinking she had to uphold this mask forever and believing she could in order to belong. Another part of me feels above it all, as if she lives in the future where I am a more confident, indestructible version of myself. And still, another part weeps underneath what used to be my work desk, wondering if everyone I had ever interacted with at CCV was parading a mask as well and if anyone had ever liked me or my mask at all.
Ashley ends week 2 by promising LGBTQ people in the room that “We will not reject you or mock you or judge you. We will help guide you back.”
After I was fired from my job, I knew it made sense. I shouldn’t work for a company whose mission I did not believe in. But what actually hurt was the fact that no one ever reached out to me as pastors afterward. I don’t believe that identifying as queer makes me broken— I believe a bunch of other things do— but if CCV, if Ashley, truly believe what they preach and meant what he said when he said “we would guide you back,” I wonder why the hell I wasn’t worth running after… but how my husband was.
I thought CCV had been my church, but it was just a company profiting off of my willingness to work over 40 hours a week for $50k a year— before tithe of course.
They wanted me to deny myself for the sake of the company and its mission. And there came a point when I couldn’t deny myself anymore.
So I guess they decided they would deny I ever existed.
Such gentleness. Such humility.
Such love.
…
A Palette Cleanser for the Soul:
Before you start getting defensive, this church is not perfect either, nor is any. But there is a key difference here that quenched my thirst for authentic and inclusive language, an actual air of humility and gentleness, shared by female pastors.
Even if you just listen to Janel’s prayer before the service, you will feel the immediate difference in tone and wording. What a friggin’ palette-cleanser for me after painstakingly writing this therapeutic work of heart (the Colombian Fire part of my heart, some might say).
The difference is tangible.
The peace isn’t preached. It’s simply felt.
It’s a whole other way of believing…
But I’ll get to that in another post! This one’s already novella length… If you made it to the end, THANK YOU! I really appreciate you and you deserve a full horizontal rest after this one. True peace and love to you!
Weekly Subscriptions & Cancellations💁🏽♀️
the ideas and soundtracks I want running in my head, or not.
🙋🏽♀️SUBSCRIBED to:
Starbuck’s Summer Berry Lemonade Refresher (HECK YUM) and the jalapeño pocket. Though I am absolutely flabbergasted that the Turkey Pesto Panini was discontinued, I am glad they have some yummy replacements.
The Surprise Regional Library (am I mega-super-subscribed at this point?) for decorating for Pride month. NOTHING is better than writing this series amidst hand-crafted rainbow decor. :’)
My little bag of happy thoughts I keep in my purse at all times. It has crystals, it has Perry the Platypus, it has a rock Oak gave me, and a little bunny figurine in a dress…. need I say more?
My Uncle Jerry— the distinguished scientist who is receiving the forestry-equivalent of the Nobel Peace Prize this year for his “pioneering work in sequencing and analyzing the first tree genome.” He’s honestly one of the best people I know and I am so proud to know him!!
🤦🏽♀️UNSUBSCRIBED from:
Again, apparently the poor Turkey Pesto Panini…. gone too soon.
Camping while pregnant. Ya girl needs a real toilet, especially at 1-3am.
The AMA’s… how dare you not be the backdrop for the Taylor Swift’s Reputation (Taylor’s Version)— aka #RepTV— release announcement?!?!?!
Everything I rebuked above in this post…. God, what a fucking headache and a dark, twisted knot to untie in my soul.
Time for some TLCCC💕
Treating myself to: a weekend of relaxation at one my favorite places in the world… my family’s cabin near Flagstaff.
Listening to: Ian McConnell’s rewrite of Taylor Swift’s song. A deconstruction jam, for sure!
Crafting: preparing to do HELLA crafting at the cabin. Maybe I’ll finally have another show & tell to show and tell about.
Craving: sweet thangs and GUESS WHAT I PASSED MY GLUCOSE TEST AKA I DO NOT HAVE GESTATIONAL DIABETES WOOHOO!!
Caring SO much about: Foothills Christian Church, for helping me come back to faith when I felt there was no room for me and my rainbow heart.
Oh my gosh! I am a member of that church as a gay woman. I am so enraged at that!! I would love to talk to you more about it because I would love to hear more about it! I don't feel like I belong there or like I "fit in