Same Page or an Entirely Different Book?
4: can one agree to disagree? how different is too different?
Gooood morning Krusty Crew!
Before I begin…
I started this blog to create a safe place for me to be honest and to just swim around in my thoughts for a little bit. So far, it has been so life-giving for me just to be writing things down. But I have super appreciated the positive feedback through email, comments, and personal texts. I am so thankful for the kindness and the interest in my writing. Thank you all for reading and for your support!! ♥️
And now to my regularly scheduled gabbin’:
One day, out of the blue, I find myself in a conversation where a friend I will call Viking started to claim that racism was a recent phenomenon that didn’t exist 10 years ago because she personally “never witnessed it.” My mind hurried to pick up the pieces of my brain, as it had exploded upon realizing Viking was dead serious. Feeling the anger coat my throat, I tried to keep my roar to a teacher’s tone as I attempted to quiet her ignorance with some truth. The funny thing about ignorance though is you have to WANT to know the truth to come out of it. So, instead of giving any thought to my mini history lesson, she smiled, shrugged her shoulders, and said “Well, I guess we can agree to disagree.”
😐
A complete disregard of my knowledge, my passion, and my heart (and straight FACTS) followed by that terrible phrase… that’s a perfect recipe for a very bad day for a Gab. Does anyone else get overwhelmed with disgust at responses like this? This isn’t a point of view I thought someone I knew personally would ever argue, but I was wrong. And that was unsettling to me.
But first: the phrase: “Let’s agree to disagree.”
This phrase is supposedly meant to express not wanting differences in opinion to come between a friendship; however, the way I have grown accustomed to hearing it comes across more arrogantly, with the person claiming their way as sophisticated-ly correct and my opinion as naively wrong. I have been told by trusted adults more than once in my younger years that I would “come to my senses and agree with them when I was older and wiser.” These words have stayed with me, as those types of things tend to.
It feels like that exact situation has repeated many times in my life, making me question my opinions and beliefs constantly as I have struggled with continuing to feel lesser than. Those overconfident people who started the debates continue on their merry way after the fighting ceases, not understanding that our relationship was negatively impacted in the long-term.
So, is the problem disagreeing or is it the phrase?
It’s kinda both. It obviously feels different when someone handles a situation with respect and love, but, overall, everything in me does not agree with someone disagreeing with me. And I guess that’s on my core trauma (blog coming soon, I promise lol). If handled disrespectfully, my initial emotional reaction— as my therapist would say— is feeling rejected and looked down upon. These feelings are hard for me to feel even though I am no stranger to feeling them.
Depending on the intensity of the subject, disagreement can be an obstacle or even a complete block in further deepening my connection and relationship with that person. And man, have I run into this feeling a lot lately… Too many of my relationships have been affected by the brash ways people have handled my thoughts and feelings. But lately, I have been very uncomfortable with the beliefs and opinions of people around me and how they assume everyone should agree with their “right way” of thinking. I feel as though the bulk of people I spend my time with are people who walk through life in a way I disagree with on a base level. All of this leaves me wondering if it’s worth being around them at all.
Who do I allow to take up my time?
What are my limits and boundaries?
What will be my last straw?
When I expressed much of this to my therapist, we came to the conclusion that I do not trust that love is at the foundation of many of my relationships and friendships. So, how do I know who is for me and who is only for themselves?
Healthy VS Unhealthy Relationships
Understanding Intention VS Results
I have definitely been burned before. People would get so upset when I was hurt because it was ”never their intention” to harm. They didn’t understand that their intentions wouldn’t change the fact that I was harmed and I was hurt. I think one of the marks of an emotionally mature person is being able to understand that you are capable of doing damage without trying to. A friend who cares will want to talk it out and care for your feelings, not shut them down due to their hurt pride.
Tough Love VS Unhealthy Communication
I very much value honesty. If someone feels the need to tell me their truth in love, I super appreciate it. Being able to be vulnerable is a good sign that the relationship is healthy. But some people have a main goal of being right, over absolutely everything else. This motivation never leads to constructive talks or building bridges, it only leads to submission or separation.
Open to Therapy VS “This is Just How I Am”
A huge red flag for me in any relationship is when someone reacts negatively to the idea of therapy. I understand there can be fear due to change or past hurts, but even if timing is off, I have to ask myself the important questions for my present self. Is this person in or open to therapy? Or is this person content to stay in their fixed mindset about their ability to change? (Not to mention if someone thinks they “don’t need it.” EYEROLL)
What I am Currently Able & Willing to Handle
Sometimes I feel I have the emotional capacity to deal with more negativity in relationships. Sometimes I am willing and determined to make things work because I have the energy and motivation to do so. However, I am not always able and willing to handle all that comes from trying to fix an unhealthy relationship.
Every day is different.
On the great days, I can be mildly entertained by the craziness. On my good days, I can say nobody’s perfect, suggest therapy, and try my best to ignore most of what is said. But, as I write this, I’m sick, I’m stressed about work, overdue bills, our (now) one clunky car, and- due to recent changes- wondering if it’s worth me keeping my current job if my whole paycheck goes to childcare costs.
This is a lot to deal with. Life as a whole is a lot to deal with. And I have absolutely no emotional energy left to deal with people who give me bullshit 80% of the time.
I don’t want to end up alone, but how much bullshit is too much bullshit?
I’m currently trying to figure out what my limits are. What is worth my time and energy? Not everyone needs to be on the same exact page as me. We’re all on different pages of our stories. All I know is if we’re different books in entirely different genres, it may not be meant to be.
I still have more to develop with my thoughts on this, hence the late post, but with one of my core desires being my desire to be understood, it’s hard to feel that when someone disagrees with me (however harshly), especially if it’s something I am passionate about or something I identify with. I always have a small hope that through my relationship and conversations, I can perhaps shine a light on what I know to be true and that person can grow to celebrate it as I do. But if they don’t- I think it matters most how they don’t.
But doesn’t my heart deserve to be protected?
Right now, Viking wants to be my friend and wants to hang out more, but our conversations have turned uncomfortably political in all the ways I don’t agree with. If she knew how I felt on all these issues- where would she stand on wanting a friendship with me? Maybe she would make the boundaries I should have made long ago. Because it takes everything out of me to hear that she truly believes what she says. It hurts me to even be around her.
I should obviously not trust this person.
It may be simple to understand an unhealthy relationship when you see it from the outside, but it makes it no easier to end it. If things were simple, I would have walked away from this friendship after she made me cry before Christmas break (long story). However, she has a very hard time understanding social cues, she has had no real example of a good relationship, and definitely has no other friends. And she is open to therapy…
In other words, pray for me.
Maybe I never give up on people. Maybe that puts me in a place to get hurt and be on my last emotional leg most of the time, but it feels wrong not to give her the grace I hope is given to me when I unknowingly act like a total ass.
And when it comes to differing opinion, I’ll see where that takes me- in reality and on this blog, as I dive a little deeper into my own core beliefs in an upcoming blog post. Stay tuned for the juicy opinion of a Gab!
Have experienced similar “agree to disagree” scenarios and it leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth. Last time I had a convo with this person who spouted that phrase out I tried to educate them, give them facts and scenarios to open up their mindset but…some refuse to see truth. The topic of conversation was same
sex marriage.