She Had a Marvelous Time Being a Mad Woman
14: how becoming a Swiftie helped me reflect on gender roles, my story of girlhood, and how I relate to other women
Once Upon a Time, I was a T-Swift Hater.
As a fan of almost anything except country, Taylor Swift’s first 3 albums (Debut: Taylor Swift, Fearless, and Speak Now) were not on my radar. I only thought of Taylor cruelly: as just another pretty, blonde girl that got what she wanted even though I didn’t think she could sing very well. Oof. When Red came out, I actually purchased her song “I Knew You Were Trouble” on iTunes, back when it was $1.29 per song, but my casual dislike roared into a full-time blaze when her performance (while sick) of that song hit me very wrong on New Year’s Eve 2013. I had publicly labeled myself as a hater. Looking back, 1989 matched the vibe of my early high school experience, but didn’t come out until my senior year. I did like “Blank Space” and “Bad Blood” because they were on the radio at the time, but didn’t listen to ANY other songs from that album (high school Gab’s loss, big time).
In 2017, Taylor Swift and I finally crossed paths on the road less-traveled. It’s a story for another time (for a preview with no context, you can give Protagonist another read), but around midway through college, I found myself in my villain era, just in time for the release of Reputation. Looking back, I started becoming a fan when I watched the “Look What You Made Me Do” music video for the first time, in awe of the symbolism, self-reflection, and difference in tone this new Taylor possessed. She was truly a fantastic songwriter. “Delicate” hit me at the time as fiercely relatable. Both the quaint country girl and the boy-crazy romancer I had defined her as were nowhere to be found. Then, magically, Lover burst onto the scene— an album that is truly my vibe 70% of the time— the year I got married on my husband’s birthday (!!). Taylor and I were really getting to know each other and almost all of Lover’s songs were added to my Spotify library, including but not limited to “The Archer,” “The Man,” and “You Need to Calm Down.”
And still, in 2020, when my world and everyone else’s came crumbling down, my Swiftie fandom was being built up stronger than ever. Folklore and Evermore became the soundtracks to the beginning of my therapy journey and were on almost continuously in my house, making Taylor Swift one of the top 2 artists in my Spotify Wrapped in 2021 and 2022 (thanks to Willow, Mirrorball, Champagne Problems, and Exile). It wasn’t until the announcement in August 2022 that Taylor Swift was going to release her newest album Midnights on my birthday that I FINALLY got off my high horse and called myself a fan already. I took the announcement as a personal invitation to listen to this very moody-Gab-themed album that told “the stories of 13 sleepless nights.” I am a girl that is either sunshine or midnight rain— there is no in-between— and this album HIT. Now that I have listened to almost all of her discography and made around 25 friendship bracelets to see her concert in theaters yesterday, I finally consider myself a Swiftie.
“Damned if I do give a damn what people say. No deal— the 1950s shit they want from me.”
A Swift Reflection
Becoming a Swiftie not only expanded my Car Jams playlist, but challenged my thinking. I had spent years thinking of Taylor Swift as someone who didn’t deserve her fame. I had judged her by her looks, her voice, and what she did or didn’t do… Her Reputation era didn’t only interest me musically, but it was the first album to shake me out of my internalized misogyny. I was the problem. It was me! When I became a Swiftie, I finally sat back and realized I was judging Taylor, comparing her to myself, and deciding I didn’t want to support a woman based off of the type of woman I considered her to be.
There were parts of me that were uncomfortable and insecure surrounding the idea of Taylor Swift. I’m sure a part of me wanted to be different than the other girls in my class that loved Taylor Swift and another part of me was jealous of Taylor Swift’s success as a singer and songwriter. And still, another part of me was struggling with her sexuality and Taylor didn’t help the matters there either. But why had I disliked Taylor Swift with such a public passion? Why did she bother me so? Why did I refuse to give her any kudos for the obvious hard work she has put into where she was now?
“They’d say I hustled, put in the work. They wouldn’t shake their heads and question how much of this I deserve.”
It’s easy to make up reasons to hate on people, especially if they have any trait that you feel you lack. I’ve heard it way too often said by women in my life, that they “don’t know what it is, I just don’t like her.” It seems our society has set women up to hate on each other like this, as if becoming the perfect woman was a title only one of us was allowed to claim. But who would want to win? There is already so much pressure on what you need to become when you’re raised as a woman.
Growing up a Girl
Before I even learned to talk, I was put in a box— a sweet little girl box. There were toys for girls, colors for girls, and there was a list of expectations on how I should look, act, and dress that continued to grow as I got older. What I needed to do as a girl was very much laid out for me. I was discouraged from wearing things that appeared too masculine, discouraged from being more adventurous and curious, and encouraged to view all boys that spoke to me as “flirting with me.”
I happened to be a girl who was into pink, was pretty dang obsessed with fairies, and never said no to sparkles, but I was also tall, naturally very strong, and was fiercely competitive. I got all A’s (smart) and knew how to stand up to bullies (confident), but also didn’t get braces until 4th grade and didn’t start wearing makeup until 6th grade (maybe not pretty). I was already feeling the pressure to be good in the eyes of other people. I very much lived for and found energy in the praise of others, not only from other kids my age, but by trusted adults— family and teachers and neighbors. And it felt like I was doing a good job. It felt like they liked me.
“You’re pretty smart for a girl.”
“You’re pretty tough for a girl.”
“You’re pretty strong for a girl.”
“You’re pretty cute with those chubby cheeks.”
I already understood that being a girl meant I was already expected to be less.
“I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us.”
Did being a pretty girl make me better than just being a girl? Did my masculine traits make me too boyish or was being more boyish better than being girly? Was I less girly than other girls? Was that good? Is it bad to be girly? Or feminine? Or pink? What’s the difference?
What I found was being treated “like a girl” didn’t make me feel good and I could avoid it if I leaned away from my femininity. As what they called a “girly girl,” I felt small and weak and looked down upon. At some point around 4th grade, I began trying to appear as what was considered a “tomboy,” not necessarily because my interests leaned toward sports or “boy things” but because I wanted to appear tough and I wanted to be respected. Throughout middle school, I was called “the beast” by some boys in my grade because I was tall, excelled in PE, and was almost kind of a bully. I beat almost all the boys in my grade at arm wrestling and would gloat about it to them. I very much wanted to have the upper hand on boys and girls alike because I felt threatened. I heavily identified with Buttercup from the Powerpuff Girls, Toph from Avatar: the Last Airbender (even though I know now I am SO Katara), and Tinkerbell in Peter Pan because they were young and small, but also tough, sassy, and independent (and green lol), which I wanted desperately to be seen as.
“I’m not looking for anyone’s approval. I know who I am.”
And the thing is, all of this is still a part of me: the love of fairies and the competitiveness, the feminine and the masculine. But I always have to be labeled by what kind of girl I am; I could never just be a girl. People who know me now have been surprised to learn about that “beast” side of me. Someone I’ll call Rust, has often exclaimed in disbelief when I show aptitude for physical activities or show a brave curiosity he only expects from boys, “Wow! I thought you were into more girly things. I’m proud of you!” It makes me feel the same way I did back at age 10 and the same way I feel at a conference room table of men, feeling the need to appear less feminine to be a better, more male-respected version of myself.
”I want to love glitter and also stand up for the double standards that exist in our society. I want to wear pink and tell you how I feel about politics. I don’t think those things have to cancel each other out.” —Taylor Swift
Tossin’ Me the Car Keys (F**k the Patriarchy)
I have come to realize a lot of things, one of them being the difference between being feminine and being a girl not needing to be mutually exclusive. There’s also the problematic idea that all girls are to act feminine and all men are to act masculine— that doesn’t help anyone. And why are all essential leadership skills coded for men? Being a good leader is not exclusive to one gender. Feminine traits should be seen as incredibly valuable because they are, especially in a leadership role.
Tapping into feminine and masculine parts of us shouldn’t change what we’re allowed to be. For Lil’ Gab, dressing in some masculine clothes one day and more feminine the next seemed to change her identity, but it didn’t have to, nor should it have changed how she was treated. I think we can all agree that how we appear changes how we’re treated and what is expected of us in the current world we live in. I want badly to change this.
“There goes the loudest woman this town has ever seen. I had a marvelous time ruining everything.”
Society very much defines our worth by how well we fit into the box we were given by a doctor at birth, but these gendered roles can keep us from our true potential. If we don’t fit perfectly into the boxes we were assigned, other people become uncomfortable. I would love it if we were all seen as people before we were seen as anything else. I want to push myself past the unnecessary boundaries that divide us— as men and women, and as different types of women— to focus more on building bridges to building relationships. I spent so much time name-calling Taylor Swift when I could have been jammin’ out to her with my friends.
“I’m trying to be as educated as possible on how to respect people. Deprogram the misogyny in my own brain… There is no such thing as a slut or a bitch.” —Taylor Swift
And Taylor Swift embodies what a woman can actually be. She has been working toward her dream since she was 12 and written her own songs all the way to the top demonstrating how women can succeed and be independent. Taylor has a big group of powerful female friends, showing that women supporting other women is where we can all thrive. She also has a very feminine vibe, but is still publicly passionate about big issues that she cares about deeply, exemplifying how all women still have the right to their opinions and have valid points of view no matter how “girly” they appear.
I think I may have had a hard time grasping the idea of a woman not perfectly fitting into the box people thought she should fit into. Now, my thinking has changed. When I first thought about talking about my journey of becoming a fan of Taylor Swift, I felt shameful for my backwards thinking and wrongful judgements of her, but that’s why I knew I had to share it! My blog is a place where:
I have found I can fight and actually defeat shame by sharing what I fear others will find out and judge. I end up receiving support from those I care about and not all the rejection I had previously feared receiving.
I want to share stories of me changing my mind when I found out there was a better, healthier way of thinking. Maybe my stories will make it less scary and more empowering for others to change their minds too.
“But a nice girl doesn’t force her opinions on people…”
Time for some TLCC!
(The second C is silent lol) This segment was inspired by one of my fave TikTok creators Mei and will become a weekly addition to the regular weekly blog. Yay!
Treating myself to: Soaps from Sparta Candle Co. (specifically their scent “Afterglow”)
Listening to: My Eras Tour Playlist!
Crafting: Friendship Bracelets (sooo fun to give out in the theater!)
Craving: Berry Lemonade from Well
Thank you for reading!
Click here to listen to the music of Gabbin’ Away Again and click above to subscribe if you haven’t already! Be sure to LIKE and SHARE this post with friends you think would relate. Thanks for your patience with this week’s post. I hope it was worth the wait. Have a wonderful week! ✨
so good, and agree so much about all of us being put in these gendered boxes—especially when it comes to leadership. f*ck the patriarchy and gender norms 🤟🏽