The Truth is in the Turkey

71: pondering truth as we come together on a holiday built on lies

Dec 01, 2024

I love food, so I’ve obviously always loved Thanksgiving.

This year was no different. Cheesey potatoes killed. Turkey was juicy. The Trader Joe’s almond kringle was a hit! Both food and family-wise, it was a very good day. With my family and some of my very closest friends all coming together under one roof (with enough wine to go around), I couldn’t be happier!

But it is intrinsic that I mention how, even though this holiday is a joyous one for me and those in my community, Thanksgiving itself was founded on lies. (Nice transition, Gabby.) For Native American people, Thanksgiving is a reminder of the oppression they’ve suffered under the all-too-powerful rule of the settlers that stole their land. The story of a peaceful meal between opposing sides is a story of fiction. We all know the winners get to write the history books. And they can tell the story however they like.

Lately, I’ve been questioning a lot. I’m rereading the stories I’d heard and accepted as good and right and I’m questioning it all. Whether directly or indirectly, I have been previously influenced to take certain stances and preferences. But what if I can’t trust what I was once told was the truth?

Believing What I Believe

It’s not like I’ve ever required all of the rules to make sense, I just like having rules. My anxiety over making the right choice helps if I have bumpers on my moral bowling lane (hehe). I’ve always been one to lean into the whimsy and believe in the most magical option. I want to like what I believe in, ideally wanting it to make sense to me but focusing heavily on the benefit to me and my family. If I had to know all the details and deem them all correct to be able to believe, it wouldn’t be believing. It would be knowing.

What I know does fuel what I believe though. And the power in that knowledge is a sureness I can stand on, but that’s only after I walk the treacherous roads of doubt. Those who transition out of merely believing and venture into knowing get the difficult honor of having their beliefs shaken. Introducing knowledge is bound to test previously held beliefs.

It’s been like a breakup-of-sorts, leaving CCV. When you’ve been hurt by someone who you once trusted, it cuts deep. The trauma we experience in unhealthy and abusive situations can redefine what relationships look like for us going forward. Right now, I’m questioning whether I still want to identify as a Christian. I’m defining my own core values, considering only what I choose to— which mostly involves me considering what makes my family and I feel healthiest and happiest.

When I was fully involved and bought-in at CCV, I felt safe. Many people find safety in affiliation, certainty, and conformity. Being a Christian once felt like the safest thing to be. For me, being a Christian meant I was connected to a huge corporation of support— emotionally, spiritually, and fiscally— that was committed to come to my aid as needed. When I realized this support came at the cost of my autonomy and uniqueness, it was only a matter of time until it all came crashing down.

Being rejected by the community that I once clung to has spurred quite the transition in my soul, but I have not been able to focus too much on this exploration until now. Life has forced me to focus on how we’ll get back on our feet after this fall, not how I’ll possibly heal from the drop. It’s difficult to try to be a voice for the vulnerable and oppressed when you are one of the vulnerable and oppressed.

“What if supporting God’s people doesn’t mean supporting the church? What if it means supporting the most vulnerable?”

— Brian Recker, ex-pastor and writer

Chappell Roan, who has been one of my spiritual life preservers during this time, often talks about how the sexually explicit drag queen persona she has is in direct correlation with how much her hometown despised what was different from them. Her first tattoo (“Go big or go home,” she jokes.) was a tramp stamp that displayed “Princess” in a curly font on her lower back. She goes on to say in this Youtube clip that this tattoo location was “made fun of most in her community.” Chappell feels the combination of the word and the tattoo location was very powerful. “It represents all the negative misogynistic things that women get."

I experienced a lot of “church hurt”/spiritual abuse/trauma— whatever you want to call it— at CCV and in that community. After all that has happened, I have been scared of shifting fully. What if I end up severing? What happens to my family? What happens to my life?

However, I can no longer delay the inevitable. Right now, severing might be what I need to do to heal more fully from and return in the right headspace. And returning might not happen, or it may not look like I would imagine now. The last thing I want to do is turn back too soon after I’ve made so much progress just because I want all the people that liked me before to like me again.

“Hiding or ignoring what we really believe may seem polite or being neutral, but being quiet typically leads to the louder point of view gaining dominance and stifling alternative ideas.“

— Elizabeth A. Segal, Ph.D.

What if I don’t like having a male God? Is God agender? Can my view of God be feminine? And will that help me trust that God is for me? Do I need to define my beliefs rigidly? Do I need to get to a point where I stop questioning? What’s the healthiest faith for a Gabby to have?

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A post shared by @brcremer

I am so passionate about my healing that I can’t help but share my journey through it. I also don’t hear a lot about this perspective because of the community that surrounded me likely because people feel unsafe or unwelcome to do so. I know that stories like mine are more common than people think. The only difference is one group is not encouraged to share. The experience of deconstructing and healing after a traumatic experience can feel anywhere from embarrassing to world-ending, which is vulnerable. It is my hope that people with cut-and-fry beliefs can expand their tolerance of people who aren’t there. I’m not talking about being patient for people to change, I’m talking about being tolerant of those who may never change.

And that’s where I got stuck.

Too Tolerant for Your Intolerance

It’s been really hard for me to read the bible my whole life, but especially since I was fired. The bible has been weaponized and used against many minority groups, including “strong-willed women” like me. It’s difficult for me to feel loved or supported by bible verses when so many verses have been shoved in my face to prove a point. For every tiny tidbit of clarity I have held onto from the bible, I have been mulled over by many concerns about content and how the meaning can be interpreted.

And there seems to be a “right way” to interpret depending on the religious group you’re apart of.

I don’t want to believe in a God that isn’t tolerant of all people, as that doesn’t align with my core values or what I believe Jesus to be. So, is the bible intolerant or are “God’s people” intolerant? If the bible is tolerant, how can intolerant people claim to be following it while bearing bad fruit?

“Being tolerant of others implies that you have a choice and some power to ignore or to not be affected adversely yourself.”

—Elizabeth A. Segal, Ph.D.

To conclude this short post, it is possible for me to tolerate someone’s different beliefs as long as those beliefs are not intolerant of others’ differing beliefs. I simply cannot tolerate opinions and beliefs rooted in intolerance instead of inclusion. Religious groups that build walls instead of more room at the table are in direct opposition of what is beautiful about human nature.

And what I think is beautiful about me. 🥰

A little graphic I made to represent my values, in a big list and a more categorized one. Another big thanks to my therapist for another great exercise that keeps me curious. 🥰

Weekly Subscriptions & Cancellations💁🏽‍♀️

the ideas and soundtracks I want running in my head, or not.

🙋🏽‍♀️SUBSCRIBED to:
- my body cues!
- being with my friends!
- breaks in the other room at a crowded party!
- Oakley’s taste in movies right now (Encanto, ELF, and WALLE.)
🤦🏽‍♀️UNSUBSCRIBED from:
- Passive-aggressiveness
- The (tiny amount of) negative feedback
- Hiding curse words around my parents
- Long hair!