“To Have & to Hold”

36: what marriage means to me; the commitments, the fears, & the safety

Mar 02, 2024

I had such a fun time seeing the feedback on my Instagram poll regarding what topic I should write about. I very much underestimated what I had to say in this particular post, so I hope you all enjoyed reading about how much I love Ratatouille last week.

This was so fun! I will definitely get to all these topics in due time. Glad that they are all interesting to different people! 🥰

I don’t have the experience of loving many different people, but I have the experience of being in love with the same person for quite a bit. Of course, my experiences may not be relatable or helpful for all, but I hope my story and what I’ve learned from it can be helpful and/or entertaining.

And now, on with the show!

“Life is brief, but when it’s gone, love goes on and on.”

Imagining Ever After

My mom always told me I wasn’t allowed to get married until I was “at least 25.” Then, I met my husband at 15, started dating him at 17, and married him at 22. What an interesting rebellion falling in love was.

Falling in love always felt far away and out of reach. I grew up thinking I was conceived by two people who didn’t love each other and my poetic little mind thought that meant I would never fall in love. What if I couldn’t recognize love when it arrived? I often watched shows where a guy was very into a girl and the girl was not interested in the slightest. Maybe I was an extremely overconfident child, but I was already feeling disappointed for Future Gabby, who would have boys fawning over her left and right, but none that really made her heart SOAR, ya know?

If you visit the description of an Enneagram 4, you’ll see we are always on the lookout for a “rescuer” and I sure as hell was. If you were a living breathing male that was appropriate for me to date, I would definitely consider it. I tried really hard to be in love with whichever guy showed me attention. But I could never imagine myself feeling what was described in so many movies I loved. In The Proposal, a fake engagement between enemies turns into real love; in Mamma Mia, the marriage that ends up happening is between two old flames that never forgot about each other; and Crazy Stupid Love features many different stories of love and how it makes us do crazy things. When you spend most of your life picturing your fairy-tale ending based off of movies, you don’t really have a full picture; just a vague semblance of a white dress and a big party you imagined to be in Central Park for some reason (probably because of Enchanted).

As someone who was adopted and has a history of CPTSD, marriage as a concept felt like a dream destination. How relieving— how safe—is the idea that someone I love would commit to staying with me forever? When I was actually engaged and about to be married, I was shocked by how unreal it felt. It scared me that I couldn’t imagine actually being at my wedding, as if that was a sign that I would die or something before my wedding could actually happen. (You’re getting a good glimpse of my inner anxious drama-logue.) But I think looking back, I still viewed marriage as such a grown-up step and I just couldn’t picture everyone in my family finally looking at me like I was an adult. Despite my fears, obviously, we were married and had a beautiful wedding that was so hype on the dance floor, we extended our venue time 2 hours past what was planned.

But that’s just a wedding.

Marriage is…

a screengrab from Disney’s Cinderella from Pinterest

Marriage is more than just a wedding because a wedding is just a day. I got married because I was in love with Zach, but I stay married because I choose to stay in love with him. When two people are mentally healthy, marriage can be beautiful. Marriage should be the safest, happiest decision for someone. And it was for me, but only because I chose someone safe and someone who wanted to work as a team.

Marriage isn’t easy. It can actually be a whole lot of work. Choosing to love someone can be really hard on some days, depending on your personalities and in what circumstances your individual trauma responses clash. Ideally, one would fall in love with a person who had a lot of shared interests and a similar lifestyle. That’s what I did and— let me tell ya— I can’t imagine living my life with someone who was tone-deaf, didn’t miss a football game, and didn’t like Disney movies. And maybe, in those ways, I am lucky. I fully believe that Zach and I’s relationship is so strong because of our foundation of friendship and I know not everyone’s relationships start that way.

“So this is the miracle that I’ve been dreaming of?”

Marriage is a big decision. It’s beautiful and wonderful, but it’s also one of the most serious decisions one can make. When I see religious couples seemingly rush into marriage because of the social expectations in their church, my heart hurts a little. When I see people rush into marriage in general, I worry for them. Everyone’s lives are their own and they can decide what they rush into or walk into blindly, but it would be my nightmare to marry someone without getting to experience them fully.

I could not imagine marrying someone…

who I have not seen interact and get along with family and friends I am close to.
who didn’t have similar life goals (on where to live & how much to work…).
who didn’t share the same feelings I have about having kids.
who isn’t willing to serve me (along with me serving them).
who didn’t share similar expectations for our home.
who isn’t open to grow and change.

Many moments in my relationship have been shared by my family and friends because I’m close to them. Once on a family vacation, Zach was getting me a damp washcloth when I was feeling dizzy and I saw both of our moms smile. Another time, Zach pulled me up to dance at the end of Mary Poppins Returns and my teary eyes met the equally teary eyeline of my mom. Zach and I talked about how we would raise our kids while we were still just friends. We both knew what each other hated most about living with roommates in college. We both wanted to live close(-ish) to family. Both Zach and I have gone to therapy and— even before that— were willing to admit the fact that we weren’t always right. Being right mattered less the longer we were together. Zach has always been fighting for me, not with me. And when one of us forgets, we are open to the other’s gentle reminder.

“Lover, tell me, when we’re wed, who’s gonna make the wedding bed?”

I would have married Zach in year 1 of our relationship because that’s how committed I was, but I had also known him for two years before that. I don’t say that because I have a time minimum or anything, but I do hope you take the time you need to look after YOU. Make sure your decision isn’t out of fear or desperation. Don’t choose someone because you think they’re the person you should be with. Make the choice to marry someone because you can’t imagine life without them.

I don’t think everyone needs to be married. Everyone can do whatever the heck they think is best for their own life. But marriage is something I want in my life. Marriage to Zach is something I need in my life. It’s what I believe is the healthiest and best decision for me. The world is already full of opportunities for me to focus too much on what other people think of me. I think God helped me find Zach so early on in my life to protect me from the damage dating would have done to a lonely Gab. With Zach— an enneagram 9 who truly takes the time to understand me— I feel safe, I feel loved, I feel seen. I am safe, I am loved, I am seen. And I am a very happy Gab!

Choosing Commitment

A scene from one of my favorite movies of all time: Crazy Stupid Love

Being in a committed relationship was never a scary thought to me, but since being in one, I understand why certain people may be hesitant. When you commit to one person, you give up the possibilities of other life experiences. You can no longer just do what you want to do all the time, you can’t make big life changes without consulting your person, and— if you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship— you only get to be with that one person you chose for the rest of your life. If you’re more introverted, your alone time may need to be scheduled; if you’re an extrovert, plans need to be shared; and if you’re someone that is already very set in their ways, you will need to compromise, change, or completely forego habits and routines that don’t fit well into your new shared life.

But, if both partners are mentally healthy, committed relationships also bring a promise of partnership. Marriage gives you someone to bear witness to your life and to experience it with you. The exciting times, the hard times, the boring times, and the busy times… When someone commits to you in marriage, they are committing to experience it all with you. My fear of the unknown is a little easier to bear with Zach by my side. Actually, all my fears and hardships are easier to bear. I have a built-in party pal, vacation buddy, and partner in all things. The most important commitment made in marriage, in my mind, is the the mutual commitment to believe the best in each other.

“Let’s conquer the percentages and rise above the clouds!”

Before we got married, Zach and I read through a lot of books on the subject and some were weirder than others, but one that still sticks out in my brain as equally weird and thought-provoking is His Needs, Her Needs: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage. This book was my favorite of the marriage books, not only because they paired marriage advice with dramatic, juicy stories of infidelity, but because of the emphasis on getting to know the needs of your partner. Zach and I have always talked about our needs, but the book gave us some specific categories to rate and language to describe what we need and why. We have lots in common, but there are things that don’t come naturally to me, like asking questions or fucking relaxing. Zach doesn’t bend naturally towards words of affirmation or giving gifts. Now, I work on not interrupting and calming down and Zach writes me letters and buys me fun little trinkets.

I am a believer that your partner should inspire you to get better, but not force you to be better or tell you that you aren’t good enough. Your partner should be someone you can trust to have your best interest. Trusting someone to do that can be the hardest thing to do to especially if you have a history of abuse or manipulation in your life, but it is so necessary for a healthy, working marriage. When you love someone and choose to be with them, you are choosing to try. And when you do, you get better every day.

Choose Each Other. Every day.

If you and your lover want an idea for date nights and have a PS4 or a Nintendo Switch, I HIGHLY recommend It Takes Two. This game features Cody and May, a couple on the brink of divorce, being transformed into their daughter’s toy versions of them until they learn how to fall back in love. It creatively shows all the little disagreements and forgotten desires that can build up tension and widen the space between two people who once promised forever to each other. It’s a beautiful game, full of puzzles that definitely take two people to solve, and its artistic portrayal of the work that it takes to stay in love and stay together makes my heart soar.

Being in a relationship is work. Even though things are pretty good with Zach and I now, there was a lot of conscious work that we put into making our relationship what it is today.

For those out there who may be struggling, please know that if there is a desire and motivation to try, you can accomplish anything.
For those yet to be married, start the work now. Never stop getting to know each other and— as a great (not actual) philosopher once said— “never stop courting!”…meaning continue to date your partner even when you’re already married.
Lastly, for those who may still be single who want a relationship, look for someone who you can trust fully and can connect with naturally. Choose someone you want your children to be like, someone you want to be more like. And, please, choose someone who is safe to be around even on their bad days.

Love is a choice. And that may seem unromantic, but I think it’s the most romantic part of it all. Being forced to be together isn’t romantic. Not even God forces us to love him, but gives us free will to choose. Maybe Zach and I weren’t made for each other or maybe I could have ended up with any romantic interest I once had, but I chose Zach and he chose me. We chose each other and chose to write our stories together. Do I believe I was meant to be with Zach? Yes. I believe my choice to love Zach and his choice to love me made us soulmates.

When I was going to high school, I had the choice to go to Sandra Day O’Connor High School (in the district) or Liberty High School (outside the district but way closer to my house at the time). If I would have chosen to stay in the district with the friends I knew from elementary, maybe I would have had a bigger theatre program, or I would have had more time with my close friends from childhood. But I chose Liberty, maybe because the preview night made me so excited for high school and I liked the idea of a fresh start at a new school. If I hadn’t chosen to get a variance and go to Liberty, maybe I wouldn’t have ever met Zach. Who knows where I would be now?

But I chose to go to Liberty, and I chose media as an elective, and I took up Zach’s invitation to sit at his lunch table. The decisions I have made in my life brought me to where I am. And even now, 10 years later, I’m still so glad I chose the path that lead me to Zach and keep choosing it every day.