when I'm gone, please think well of me

92: Spoilers for "Four Seasons" on Netflix, also spoilers for my funeral if you'd rather be surprised lol

May 09, 2025

and i am stained with light — BARBIE (2023)

Maybe it’s an Enneagram 4 thing, maybe it’s death anxiety, maybe it’s Maybellene

40 Iconic Enneagram 4 Characters from Movies and Television - Psychology Junkie — cue many people saying I was “too happy” to be an enneagram 4

But I have had this ongoing idea for years that I needed to be the one to plan my funeral.

I mean, it’s my party, I love hosting, and no one should be burdened by planning a party that I would enjoy planning immensely.

The Four Seasons | Netflix Media Center — This show is actually phenomenal. And, even though the main characters are all around my parents’ age, I find their friend group dynamics very relatable (and therefore, watching the show was relieving and validating as well as entertaining)

I watched “The Four Seasons” on Netflix and, while it is a very funny show it is also surprisingly heartwarming and real, and therefore also sad because SPOILER someone dies. And not in a dramatic WHO DUNIT way, but an arguably more saddening “sometimes those things happen” way.

I was calling a lot of the twists as they happened (I guess cuz I’m kinda a writer ;P It was fun!) and I was expecting someone to die due to their older ages and the health problems many people were experiencing, but I was still incredibly surprised when it happened. And this was not because of shock value or any sudden intense visuals. It was because of the storytelling. And I cried because it was a sad situation, not because it was a frightening one.

And then I ended the night having a 2-hour crying conversation with Zach about it before I took a Unisom and played Toontown with my sister until I fell asleep at the keyboard. (When Oak falls asleep when he should, we get so much time at night!)

But I only started playing Toontown when I did because Zach predicted I would be up until 2am if I just continued journaling and swirling around in the headspace I was in. And I laughed because I knew he was right. Even though my fight or flight wasn’t triggered, I was still dealing with a lot of emotions from that season finale.

So, instead of spending even more of my time crying about last words, or health scares, or anything else connected to thoughts of death, I went and defeated a cog building with my sister and she unlocked the famous "birthday cake” gag. It was a great way to not succumb to the sadness and dread pulling me down an emotional rabbit hole.

However, even when I have not just been reminded about death through a funeral, or a show, or the mention of someone dying, I still spend a lot of time thinking about and planning my funeral. And while I have yet to record myself singing “Flying” by Cody Fry, I do plan on having someone edit together me singing this song at multiple ages at my funeral. So, I should start that soon before that plan falls flat.

In fact, I made an entire playlist (not yet in order, or final— as far as I know lol) of songs I would like to play or be performed at my funeral. I titled it “After Me” and made the cover Riley’s imaginary friend Bing Bong fading from her memory while he tearfully asks Joy to “fly her to the moon for him.” HAPPY GALS CAN BE EMO TOO.

I also have been making a list of ideas. It’s kinda like how I used to take very detailed notes at every wedding I went to before having my own. (I still keep up the list of how many weddings I’ve been to— 32 at this point.) It’s kinda like that, except I won’t be around to make a Pinterest board and joint Google Docs about it when it’s actually relevant.

So, even though plans aren’t final by any means and I’m only friggin’ 28 years old— it doesn’t hurt to be prepared, right?

I feel my mom wincing as I type.

But I think it’s good to think about death, not for the scary, sudden circumstance it can sometimes be, but for the natural flow of life that we all will grow into and go through. I think the Disney movie Coco did such a great job with this idea of a positive afterlife. It’s a big reason why I started taking part in the tradition of Dia De Los Muertos, as it honors those who came and went before us.

Even though there is sadness, there is also still so much love and relief of any possible suffering— I guess, depending on what you believe in and if you take comfort in any of the things you believe in (oof). But I would like to believe that the afterlife looks a lot like what we see in Coco, and the stories passed down from generation to generation keep someone’s memory alive long after their last breath.

I also found a lot of comfort in watching the last season of The Good Place… that is, the second time around. The first time around spooked me, perhaps because it was scary to think the afterlife could be as broken as the life we’re all living now. But the second time watching it, I found so SO much comfort in watching how they make the change to the afterlife system.

Without explaining the whole show…a character named Brent Norwalk, a definite dirtbag of a person, truly believed he belonged in the Good Place. He was only able to begin making changes in himself once he found out he was actually in the Bad Place. (See clip below)

And in his very last scene, we see Brent retaking the test over and over and over again, still not understanding how to be a thoughtful, empathetic person instead of a sexist, selfish one. The new afterlife system requires every person who dies to take a test to see if they can go to the Good Place and if they fail, they take the test over and over and over again UNTIL THEY PASS.

I think I got too wrapped up in the idea of final goodbyes in my first watch-through, but when it finally clicked that the new afterlife system was exactly what I wanted the afterlife to be, I could finally take a deep breath.

I don’t have to worry about all of the mean, evangelical manipulators who claim they’re going to heaven because of their belief in Jesus. They don’t get a Fastpass to paradise; I believe in the idea that they’ll get endless retakes of the test, just like everyone else. And the ones I’m thinking about? Very Brent Norwalk. And the endless testing that makes you question everything you’ve ever believed is true? That’s probably hell.

And there ya have it— my ideal afterlife scenario where everything makes sense and also seems merciful and fair compared to the eternity of fiery depths of hell and torture that I was told existed. Maybe it is hell to become a better version of ourselves, but it sounds very much worth it to me.

Okay, so my funeral. lol

It’s not like I have it all planned out, but I do have some basic asks up front.

MY BODY

First off, I do NOT want to have my lifeless body paraded around for my younger and/or more sensitive family members to form traumatic memories around. If they want to see realistic undead creatures, they can go to Epic Universe and ride the new, scary Monsters Unchained ride. At least their roller coaster will be physical instead of emotional.

I would prefer for my body to be as useful as possible to the earth and to the environment after I die. So, I don’t want to have an expensive casket keeping the earth from letting my body decompose, nor do I want bits of it to be burned into the atmosphere through cremation.

First and foremost, I am an organ donor and I would love for any parts of my useless body to be made useful to someone else. If it is any more affordable than it has been in my previous research, I would request a tree pod burial (I even found a site that has a quiz to see “what tree you are” hehe), but this eco-friendly way still seems to be too boujii for the average person to try. It would be cool to become a tree and live my Bratz Fashion Pixie dream of dramatically becoming a tree, but I would rather not put my family in even more debt.

So, I ask that the rest of my body is donated to science and that there can be a sort of chest or box for everyone at my funeral to place a little trinket, or note, or something that reminds them of me. That box will be a better representation of me. And I’d love for it to be buried up in Munds next to a tree you planted from Home Depot or something. How rad would it be if someone dug it up in the future, all tangled in the roots of a tree?

PARTY VIBES

So, for the actual celebration of life, there will be a strict “no black” dress code. Everyone should wear the most colorful, most nerdy, most comfortable, and/or most weird costume/outfit they want to. This is a super important step as it will greatly help with the tension people deal with surrounding death and they’ll also be happy/mad at me one last time. :)

I plan on having some specific activities where people share their favorite memories of me, regrets they have of things they said, or any lingering feelings that are ongoing and unresolved. It would be cool if they were anonymous and could be sifted through by some people that are close to me. Some might not be the vibe i want to hold onto forever, while others may be shareable or even worth burying in my box of trinkets.

I definitely still need to put time into deciding on party favors and different activities, as well as performances I would like to happen. Maybe I’ll do something with the lyrics of my favorite songs, or have everyone make ornaments or fridge magnets. I would love for there to be a funny photo opportunity as well, possibly donning the phrase “I went to Gabby’s funeral and all I got was (this picture)” or something… still in the works!

I will also have some of my items available for people to take if they want something to remember me by. I have millions of stuffed animals that I would love to go to schools and foster homes. I may have some tattoo ideas or even a tattoo artist available, since I think people need to make more emotional decisions with their loved ones.

Lastly, I would love for there to be a raffle for fun prizes that motivates people to make a donation of $25 or more to one of a few charities and organizations I care about, including but not limited to:

Foothills Disciples Church
Planned Parenthood
One•n•ten
GLSEN
The Human Rights Campaign
Transgender Law Center
The Trevor Project
Stand with Trans
Therapy specifically for adopted children and adults. I haven’t found an organization for this yet.

Overall, I want people to feel comforted, inspired, and also well-fed. There should be hella food at this party. This means pasta, California rolls, and a ton of appetizers ranging from mac and cheese balls to kebabs. Maybe it can be an appetizer potluck.

I guess this sounds like such a fun party, I want to be there myself! And if I am ever in the situation that I find myself dying, maybe I should be. But I think I like the idea of everyone I know grieving me at a me-themed party instead of a quiet, floral room with an expensive casket and no applause.

I know that, whenever I die, there may be unresolved relational strife or conflict. And hopefully there will be less than there’s been this past year, but… I want my FUNeral to be something that motivates or inspires people to seek answers in therapy, even advertising some numbers they can call.

Even while watching Nathan Fielder’s current season of The Rehearsal, I see this Brent-Norwalk-adjacent person who is somehow still so crazily unaware of how negatively he impacts people around him. The show’s second season masterfully and comedically captures the need for change in the way airline pilots are trained. By the time the third episode comes to a close, seeking some sort of therapy and finding people you can talk to seems to be extremely necessary in character-building.

During an EMDR session last week, I put myself into a scenario where I could go back to that CCV office and talk to people or tell off people or whatever I needed to do. But what I realized is that, even though many of those people’s actions or inactions have caused me a lot of pain, there was nothing they could do for me now. All the work that needed to be done was in me. What do I do with myself? How do I grow new relationships? Where do I want to be spiritually? How do I allow myself to trust people again?

Therapy is a wonderful places where people can uncover themselves abd realize what is stopping them from having a better life and impacting those around them for the better. There are characteristics that people need to learn to be able to be healthy contributors to a community, and it seems to me that this fundamental lack of mental heath is a big source of human brokenness.

At least when I die, I’ll know that I was always trying to put my best foot forward with my continued steps toward healing through therapy. And I hope many other people close to me will be able to say the same.

Weekly Subscriptions & Cancellations💁🏽‍♀️

the ideas and soundtracks I want running in my head, or not.

🙋🏽‍♀️SUBSCRIBED to:
- The Rehearsal, a hilarious show by Nathan Fielder.
- My new belly band. Thank GOODNESS.
- Practicing art at a local Starbucks while it’s all rainy 😍
- Family therapy, no matter how hard it is to talk about real stuff.
🤦🏽‍♀️UNSUBSCRIBED from:
- People pushing for mass deportation
- AZ drivers when it’s raining
- People who don’t even speak to me who are angry with me. Is it my responsibility to repair everything in all of my relationships, even when I don’t know what needs repairing??
- Being outside in the usual sunny hotness. My pregnant self can’t take the heat almost at all. I have now experienced spotty vision and a helmet headache at 2 farmer’s markets.

🌻Show & Tell: what I colored at Starbucks🌻

I gotta say, I really like my job! 😊

Time for some TLCCC💕

Treating myself to: a double chocolate chip Frappuccino, just like high school Gabby always did haha

Listening to: my “it’s raining” playlist (ft. Zach’s photo from the train in Alaska… take me backkkkk— not to the boat but to that solitary little cabin in the cold…)