“You Should Eat Less” & Other Things People Have Said About My Body
17: my journey with disordered eating and pressures of diet culture, new lessons I’ve learned, and why I think body positivity and/or body neutrality are so important
Content Warning: talk of disordered eating, negative talk surrounding bodies, and unresolved issues with eating and body image.
The movie Hairspray had a huge affect on me. “People who are different— your time is coming!” There are a million reasons for a Gabby like me to fall in love with this movie musical, but one of the biggest reasons had to do with body confidence— specially with 3 of the main female characters. Let’s start with Tracy Turnblad: an enthusiastic, cheerful dancer and human rights activist, with big hair, a big body, and even bigger dreams. I related to her completely. Even though being fat caused Tracy to be bullied, she did not back down from her pursuit to reach her goal of dancing on her favorite show along with her black classmates.
Tracy’s mother Edna Turnblad began the movie shamefully hidden in her home being embarrassed by her love of food, but with the help of her daughter's inspiration and husband’s encouragement, she learned how to feel sexy in her own skin and even got up the courage to dance her heart out on live television. Lastly, Motormouth Mabel, a gorgeous black woman and extremely talented singer, spent the entire movie being a bad-ass, organizing marches and sharing positivity. She even had a song about how being big made her even more beautiful, which helped Edna along in her body confidence journey.
“Why sit in the bleachers, timid and afraid? When, Edna, you look like the whole parade!”
What amazing representation of bigger-bodied humans— whose hopes and dreams are just as worthy as anyone else’s! (And yes, I know that Tracy’s mom is John Travolta in drag. That’s tradition in the stage play. Which I love! He did an amazing job portraying this lovely character in the movie adaptation!) The happy ending comes with a huge musical number that everyone performs together, accepting each other for who they are, no matter the shape, size, or color. It makes me smile just thinking about it! If I was Schmigadooned into a musical world, I would want to live in this movie.
Growing Up in my Own Skin
As someone born in the 90’s, I was raised in the terrifying diet culture of the time. When you watch older interviews, see magazine clippings, or watch America’s Next Top Model once, it will become increasingly obvious why I didn’t have the best view of my body growing up, and neither did many of us according to this week’s poll.
I knew for a while I wanted to write on this topic, but it was hard to finally decide to do it. When preparing to write this, looking at photos of me over the years, it was impossible to avoid the echoes of what I was told I should feel about my body at the time of those photos. It brought back memories of me looking in the mirror wondering what I would look like if parts of me were shaved off. Being thin was not only the most attractive thing to be, it was also the healthiest and fittest in the eyes of society and in the eyes of many people around me.
I could only think about my body and food in the way culture and people I loved taught me to think about it. My grandma said I was too chubby. People commented on my butt being big since forever (telling me to stand up straight as if they thought I was bent over). Family members buying me clothing for a holiday and their comments after I fit or didn’t. There was also the demonizing of candy and all things sweet that lead to a lot of binging and shame spirals for me in the years following.
I was told I qualified as obese according to my BMI (when I was 17 and 140 lbs) and needed to lose 35-40 lbs. So, of course, I thought I was fat and that being fat was a terrible thing to be. This lead to a constant push to go to the gym and to eat “healthy” or at least eat less. Being told I looked “thin” or that they noticed I had '“lost weight” was always supposed to be taken as a compliment, but has never sat right with me. Was everyone really sitting around thinking I was fat and wishing me to be thinner? Would my tummy being flatter somehow contribute to their joy in a way my chubbiness took away? Did my body and the space it took up really affect those around me that much?
“I’m eating at the counter and you’re talking about your weight. I usually don’t hate you but today I’m enraged.”
What I have always struggled the most with is shame around food. I have been around those who ate a bite of a donut and called themselves “bad.” I grew up hearing “I plan to eat a lot at dinner, so I won’t eat until then” or “I can’t eat fries AND a milkshake— I don’t want to get fat!” I also had a constant fear that if at any point I used too much butter, I could potentially suffer and die from a heart attack. People I loved and looked up to called themselves fatties as an insult to themselves or they made fun of other people they deemed fat for being lazy or unattractive. Getting all of this misinformation on food and being around many fatphobic people made it impossible for me not to struggle with body image.
My inner dialogue is lined with these comments and I am still filtering through them today, especially involving food. I am also actively fighting against the urge to physically cover my stomach by crossing my arms or keeping the towel on for the rest of the pool party long after I get out of the water. Maybe if no one can see my body, they will stop commenting on it. I just want to be able to exist without feeling like I should be ashamed for something.
When I was pregnant with my son, after my sickest days were over, I finally got to revel in being a woman and having the ability to carry my son. I never had a negative thought— until someone gave it to me. “Don’t worry! Those dark stretch marks will go away.” I was so angry that people assumed I would want to delete the physical reminders that I grew and created life. And these comments are not from strange women at the supermarket. These are coming from family members and trusted friends— people who truly felt they had my best interest at heart by sharing their view of my body with me. But why?
The War Against my Body (That I Didn’t Start)
I think it’s important to make known that we don’t start the wars against our own bodies. Being taught things that were incorrect and unhealthy affected our view of ourselves; we weren’t born hating our stretch marks. I am not writing this post from the finish line, calling everyone over to see how I defeated my inner diet demons and show you how to do the same. I am not over the mountain. I am not even at the peak. I am writing this because I started this blog to be real with myself and this is real for me right now. And I want others to know they are not alone.
The ones who taught me to rage war against my own shape, I know did what they thought was right for me and what was right for them, but I hope they realize their worth held so much more to me and everyone around them than how well they fit into a dress. It affected me so much more to see women I looked up to thinking so badly of themselves. I remember them hiding behind people purposefully in pictures or asking me to delete happy memories I captured because they thought they looked gross from a certain angle. I know factually as an adult that it was not their intention to teach me to look at myself with such disdain, but I also know factually that I learned how to view myself through the eyes of how my mother, my grandmas, my aunts, and my friends’ moms viewed themselves.
Women very much still subscribe to the beauty and health standards society presses on us, but there are definitely a lot of men who both perpetuate these harmful body standards and suffer from them as well. I have had men tell me how I am supposed to look or how I would appear more attractive to them. I have also had men share with me that they worry they won’t be able to find someone who wants to marry them until they hit their goal weight or until they start going to the gym regularly. Diet culture and body image are not a gendered issue nor is it only spanning one generation. The way we view our bodies contributes to our quality of life way more than how much body we have.
“See a lot of things on the television blurring my self-esteem, f*cking with my vision”
Throughout the years since I graduated college, I have become aware of healthier ways of thinking. I now think of being fat or chubby as a neutral descriptors that hold no moral value. I try to always speak up when someone tries to equate negative traits to being fat, as it is not the case at all. I also have started to make clothing purchases that show off my figure more. I don’t want to hide parts of my body that I am trying to love.
Still A Battle Every Day
I am actively trying to combat these comparisons and the inner critics that speak so loud in my head. When I feel myself spiraling, I try to confront those thoughts in the moment. I have to realize I am having a negative thought, check in on how I feel, and create healthier thought habits. I do this by replacing the negative words I tell myself with realistic and/or positive thinking. I do try to have body neutrality in times that it is particularly difficult to love a certain part of my body, but I aim for body positivity whenever I can manage it. I want to love my body so that my kids can learn to love their bodies too. Let it be known, that both neutral and positive mindsets are better than a negative mindset.
When finding pictures to share in this post, I found it helpful when I became uncomfortable because I knew I needed to share those feelings and start dissecting the reasons behind them. Why am I uncomfortable with my body? Why do I think it’s bad to look at or share pictures of me being me in my body? And then I realize all of these pictures are past versions of me, younger versions of me. Would I say what I am thinking of myself now to any of those versions of Gabby? Absolutely not. Then, why am I saying all of this to myself now? Talking through these answers with myself has brought a lot of clarity and even more peace. Thinking of and talking to myself as I would a child or a friend helps me give grace and so much love to myself, so much love that I have deserved my whole life.
My next hurdle is to be able to go to the gym and feel okay. I have always struggled with the idea of going to the gym because it always felt like I was confirming those comments people made that I was fat and needed to change my body. There is now finally and thankfully a growing interest inside me around going to the gym to help my body feel good and work well. But I am still afraid it will come to mean what it did to me growing up. I don’t want to believe there is a better way for me to look that the gym will help me achieve. Working out needs to be defined as a way to nourish my body, not a way to make up for being so “bad” with my eating habits the week before. I still deal with a lot of triggers. When I hear about other people dieting (even for doctor-given reasons) or when I see people getting so excited about weight loss (even if they truly are in a healthier place) it’s really hard for me to hear. It’s an uphill battle every day, but my goal is to love my body as much as the character this girl plays:
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I have been so inspired by Lizzo’s shapewear brand YITTY as it gives an actual variety of sizes for all of its products (ranging from size 6X to XS). It’s crazy that stores not carrying my size likely contributed even more to my mindset that I wasn’t the right size. But I am trying my best to surround myself with people and consume media that support healthy language and lessons revolving around bodies and food. I want to allow myself to wear what I want, to feel beautiful, and to feel confident, no matter what other people think of my body. I want to be loved, not despite what I look like, but because of everything I am— including being chubby. I can be chubby AND healthy AND sexy AND GORGEOUS all at the same time. And I am!
“Look up in the mirror like ‘Damn, she the one!’”
Time for some TLCCC
Treating myself to: a full night’s sleep 3 nights in a row!!
Listening to: 1989 (Taylor’s Version) Vault Tracks… especially “Now That We Don’t Talk” and “Slut!”
Crafting: many happy friendship bracelets to hand out to strangers!
Craving: Sweet stuff— baked goodies of the season!
Caring SO much about: bonding with other women, seeing the Taylor Swift movie AGAIN
Thanks for reading!
Click here to listen to the music of Gabbin’ Away Again and click above to subscribe if you haven’t already! Be sure to LIKE and SHARE this post with friends you think would relate. I hope you have a wonderful week! ✨
Such a great topic! I swear I could talk about this with anyone and they can relate somehow. 🥰