I am Pro-Quality of Life
33: I was adopted & I’m a mother & I’m still pro-choice + the reasons why
Warning: I speak about abortion, miscarriage, women’s rights1, the bible, the definition of life, and women’s feelings and opinions on it. All of these are, of course, my own opinions grown out of my life experiences and planted in personal research.
Why is this important to me?
There are a lot of opinions and beliefs I have that I am not necessarily comfortable enough sharing out and about in the world. As y’all know, my blog is a place where I can be myself. I can share what I feel passionate about, with little to no concern of what others may think, because I decided that’s how I get to be here. I’m super thankful for everyone joining me here with an interest in what I have to have to say. This topic, however, is one of the topics that I feel completely confident in, in a way that it makes me more comfortable to share, even outside of my blog. It’s a topic heavily regarded as political, but—for me— it is very personal.
I was adopted.
I have a child.
I have been pregnant.
I am a woman.
I am a Christian.
And for all these reasons, I feel scared about not sharing my experience. We need people of different walks of life to share their stories so that people don’t see decisions others make as simply heartless or immoral, but instead as a difficult decision any child-bearing person may need to make in their lifetime.
I think my opinion on this topic may surprise people and I understand. It’s not the usual Christian perspective and maybe not be what you’d expect from a happy adoptee, but it is my perspective. I do believe all who become pregnant have the right and should have the freedom to choose what ends up happening to their own bodies. I am pretty much as pro-choice as they come. This post is far from an invitation for a debate, as my stance will not be changed with an argument. But I hope, no matter what you believe in or how your opinion leans, you can take the time to read and hear my heart.
Being Christian: To Love the Rules or Love God’s People
I believe in God and I have a hard time believing that God would want us to suffer so greatly. I have yet to hear a Jesus story that reflects the laws being pushed by some Christians. I mean, even in the Christian Bible, Exodus 21:22-25 appears to acknowledge a difference between a fetus and a living person. I simply do not believe that God is against abortion.
There are a lot of unhelpful and unfriendly ways to talk to someone and I’ve met a lot of mis-led Christians that seem to use certain hurtful wording on repeat. I think the person in the above video says it well when they say “push[ing your] faith claims in the middle of a heavy, weighty, difficult decision is shaming and toxic.” Along with the differences in people’s beliefs on when life begins, there also seems to be a focus on what is considered “murder” or not. Even though we don’t count the 9 months of gestation toward a newborn baby’s age, it seems there are still people out there with what I’d consider the radical belief that life begins at conception.
Even though this country I live in is meant to be the “land of the free” and a “melting pot” of cultures and religions, there are groups of people determined to make The United States a Christian nation. That just can’t be. America should celebrate diversity, but there is so much fear between different groups of people divided by culture, religion, and modern political parties. Everyone is allowed to believe what they want, so that means specific faith claims and bible-based arguments to change laws do not convince the masses; they can be your own personal reasons for wanting to change the laws of your country, but they are not THE reason everyone should want to change the law.
In the video below, a Jewish woman explains that her religion calls the fetus part of the mother’s body, like an arm. It is part of Jewish tradition to protect those whose lives are being threatened by a “pursuer” which a fetus can become in certain situations where the mother’s life is threatened by pregnancy. When these situations arise, it is considered a “religious obligation” to end the pregnancy to save the mother’s life.
With a fetus at 24 weeks having the best chance of survival outside of the womb, the week of the first movement being different per pregnancy, and everyone’s different beliefs crowding the conversation, it definitely doesn’t pave a clear path toward agreement. But, if there is not one religious belief that is greater than the other— and, even then, no clear biblical truth against a woman’s right to abortion— why are we still valuing the life of an embryo over the life of a woman?
Being a Woman: The Consequences
It’s not hard to see the difference in healthcare for women and men in America (just Google the “pink tax” or the “tampon tax”), but it would be great for men to seek out the experiences of women to be able to understand new perspectives and empathize more. It’s very hard for me to see men disregarding a woman’s perspective when it comes to women’s health. In reality, all genders are being negatively impacted by the lack of sex education in our country.
If you take a look at America’s sex education, you’ll realize it is a main factor in unwanted pregnancy. At present, there are no federal laws dictating how sex education is run in schools. Specifically in Arizona, the state I live in, sex education is not mandated. I know this firsthand as I never received any sort of sex education throughout my schooling. Even if a school decides to teach sex education, there are no bounds for what will or will not be included, especially if stressing abstinence is one of the only requirements. Below is a video from 8 years ago that sadly still has many accurate data points in it. There’s a funny spin to it though, so I would highly recommend the full watch.
Without proper sex education, there is a lack of knowledge within our country. We are choosing to keep children in the dark on ways to have safe sex due to our fear of them having sex at all. The real fear shouldn’t be of sex, but of nonconsensual sex (rape or sexual assault) and unwanted pregnancy. America’s sex education is most concerning in its lack of mandates requiring an explanation of consent. If a woman has no choice in engaging in sexual activity, she had no choice in possibly contracting an STD or becoming pregnant. This loss of bodily autonomy continues if access to abortion is too limited or, worse, illegal.
Birth control access varies depending on your insurance coverage and the laws in your specific state, as well as your family’s household beliefs. Apart from condoms, all other birth control is the responsibility of the person capable of bearing a child. And even though it takes two to tango, one person is going to endure the pregnancy physically, emotionally, and mentally in a way their partner cannot. And without good sex education, widespread access to birth control, and easy access to abortion, women across the nation are finding themselves in forced pregnancies. In these cases, the pregnancy might not be viable, the mother may not be mentally well, or the pregnancy might be the results of rape. Pregnancy can cost the pregnant person their job, their mobility, and in some cases their lives. But still, the overturn of Roe V. Wade communicates that an American’s right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is limited if you’re a female.
At present, a deceased person’s wishes to have their organs donated is a protected right, even if living relatives wish otherwise. At present, with the overturn of Roe V. Wade, it seems dead people have more rights to their former bodies than women do with the ones they’re in right now. This is not an argument for abortion, this is an argument for women. I don’t identify with the “pro-life” group because they want to take the right to bodily autonomy from women. I am pro-woman and pro-quality of life, meaning I am pro-choice.
Pregnancy: For Some a Miracle or For Some a Nightmare
There are no true “regular” pregnancy symptoms as everyone’s bodies are different. In my own pregnancy experience, I was vomiting every day until week 15, being hospitalized for dehydration, and still feeling exceedingly nauseous until week 18. I had to leave my job as I was unable to work, and it took a toll on our finances. As my body changed, I needed to find medical help for relief. Pregnancy also unlocked many mental health difficulties for me and I was dealing with a lot of unpacked trauma due to my pregnancy. I also dealt with possible gestational diabetes in my third trimester and ended up needing a c-section after 14 hours of active labor. This all resulted in hefty hospital bills we are still paying off. If I didn’t want to be pregnant and have my son, I can imagine my entire pregnancy experience being very different. It would be a living nightmare to experience all I did if I didn’t want to be pregnant or have a baby at all.
No one should be forced to be pregnant. Yes, there will still be mothers who choose to continue their pregnancies and keep their babies even when they initially didn’t want to become pregnant or have a family, but that should be their choice. Abortion is not an easy, simple solution to a problem, but women must have the ability to choose it as a necessary procedure. Necessary does not mean not painful or right for everyone. The option for a medically safe abortion is essential as abortion will continue to be an essential procedure for women across the nation. Abortions will still happen, even if outlawed. Restricted access to abortion will only restrict access to safe abortion.
Abortion is a choice any woman should be able to make if she believes it is what is right for her life and her body. But I must also mention that there many cases in which abortion is chosen for a medical reason. It may be the choice in the case of a loss of heartbeat, a partial miscarriage, or rape/sexual assault. The overturn of Roe is making it close to impossible for many women to get care that they need, and the horror stories I’ve read are only the stories women felt comfortable sharing. Everyone has the right to do what they believe is right for their life, but the choice needs to exist.
Motherhood: A Reward, a Destination, a Requirement, or a Burden?
My son is one of my favorite people in the world. I had an IUD and removed it when my husband and I decided to try for a baby. We were shocked at how quickly it happened for us, but were so excited for our little one to arrive and to be parents, something both of us have always wanted to do. Even though we were excited to be parents, Zach and I took great care to prevent pregnancy at the beginning of our marriage relationship. This is why we relied on an IUD before we chose to have my son and rely on it still to this day to help us family plan while I fully recover from my c-section. (I am very thankful to have access to birth control and insurance that covers most of what would usually be a very expensive birth control solution.) Having kids has always been what I wanted in a future chapter of my story, but for others, having kids is not. If motherhood is not in someone’s plans, they should not be forced to do so.
Motherhood changes you. It’s like going through another puberty, physically and mentally. It requires hard work, planning, and a selflessness you maybe didn’t possess before. I am a mother by choice and every mother should be able to make the choice that is right for them. It was my choice to keep my son. I planned for him and wanted him. This is why I was willing to endure the struggles that came with my pregnancy. My son was my prize for making it through all I did, though this is not how every woman feels.
One’s mental and physical health should be taken into consideration when deciding to continue a pregnancy. Some people need to be on essential medications that would need to be discontinued for the sake of the unborn baby’s development if they were to get pregnant. Some people were raped or in an abusive relationship and have complicated relationships surrounding them. Your relationship stability and health, the safety of your living environment, and your current financial struggles need to be considered. Having a baby is expensive. Like I said, I was hospitalized during my pregnancy and was on multiple anti-nausea medications. I had to pay for appointments with my doctor, blood work, ultrasounds, and then the entire hospital bill for mine and my baby’s stay and treatment. All the while, I was collecting necessary care items for my baby, including clothes, diapers, a crib and a bassinet, blankets, bottles, and pumping supplies (some women choose to or must use formula as well). All of these purchases can be exciting and wonderful for parents who are prepared emotionally and financially for a child.
We all face difficulties in our lives, with many things happening that are out of our control. Becoming a parent should be a choice. Being forced to be pregnant is pushing someone into one of the most life-changing experiences one can have. Pregnancy is a miracle, not a consequence, but it will become a consequence if we outlaw abortion. Motherhood should not be a punishment for having sex. Why is there such a need to control other people’s lives? Why is there such a desire to control what others do with their own bodies?
Being Adopted: Allowed to Stay, Cast Away, or Both?
When some people hear that I was adopted, they assume a lot about what my feelings are on this movement. If they were able to step into my shoes, they would know why this wasn’t the case. The past 3 years I have been in therapy, working to process many experiences I never got to process as a child. One of these experiences was being adopted. My adoption trauma went unlabeled most of my life, but was always affecting me. While I was pregnant, I finally unlocked memories and feelings about being adopted that I had long-since locked away. This realization had me on the floor sobbing as the trauma I experienced when I was not yet verbal will never properly be put into words.
The feeling of being adopted is not easily explained and different for every adopted person. I have struggled and still struggle with so many questions and deep-rooted ideals about myself because of my “first rejection,” as my therapist at the time put it. No matter the actual reasons why the adoption occurred, I felt unwanted. I felt rejected. I felt pain, separation, longing, confusion, and a deep feeling that I could have done something to change what happened to me. I am still processing through these feelings and struggle immensely with rejection. Even though I was never “without” a family, the experience of being rejected by my “first family” permanently changed my life. I also know I am a lucky one, growing up wanting and needing for nothing and receiving most everything I asked for. But the feeling remained and the size of my emotions were hard for my parents to make sense of without professional help.
I also need to mention this article which states “there are close to 14,000 Arizona children in foster care, but there are only about 3,000 licensed foster families.” The friends I have that were in foster care experienced multiple rounds of abuse in more than one home. Around 23,000 children age out of foster care country-wide every year. This means these children enter adulthood alone, with no support, which has a “detrimental affect on both the child’s immediate life and their long-term future.” Studies show that “youth in foster care are two and a half times more likely to contemplate suicide than youth not in foster care and four times more likely to attempt suicide.” Why am I mentioning this? Because someone being alive does not automatically give them a quality life. Why are we fighting for people that don’t exist and not for the people who are very much in existence and in need of someone to fight for them?
Adoption is not a solution to the existence of an unwanted child; their being unwanted in the first place is the problem in and of itself. Adoption or abortion or keeping the child, all of these decisions come with pros and cons specific to each person’s experience, but all of this is for the parent to decide. A child does not ask to exist; they inherit the pain that was chosen for them. I have struggled with feeling unwanted, to the point of being suicidal. I thought, “If I’m unwanted, I don’t want me either.” This feeling is part of my core trauma. Do I wish I was aborted? No. But did I have a choice in my own existence? No. No one can want to exist before they exist.
To conclude…
Lately, I have been working on reframing. This is a technique used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and can help people question their natural thought patterns and try to see an experience framed in a new way. When I think “I’m so stupid for making this mistake,” I can reframe my mistake in a more positive way by thinking “I will learn from this mistake and it will improve how I complete this task in the future.” We have the ability to reframe any thought that is not benefiting us or moving us toward good decisions and healthy attitudes. Instead of thinking “That friend hates me because she’s not hanging out with me,” I can think “Perhaps this is a season in my friendship with this person in which they are very busy. I can practice patience.”
I believe our country needs to reframe their ideas surrounding abortion. Instead of thinking “This person is evil for having an abortion!” one can empathize, ask questions, and assume the best of someone by thinking “This person is probably having a very difficult time right now to make this choice. I’ll ask how her life has been lately.” Instead of thinking “A baby is a miracle and they need to understand that!” one can be introspective and respectful, and think “I wonder what life experiences I would need to have in my life in order to make the decision they made?” Imagine the connection that could come out from mutual respect, genuine care, and letting go of this need for control over others.
In the end, abortion needs to exist because our world is broken. There are too many reasons a woman might need or want to choose this option for their life and taking this option away (or taking it away at a certain point in the pregnancy no matter what) takes away from her freedom. The way the media presents this issue is not always giving a full picture, let alone all the pictures. Keeping the baby or giving the baby up for adoption are not always a positive solution. Abortion should never be something you or a loved one is forced to endure in the same way that pregnancy should never be something you or a loved one is forced to endure. Abortion is not easy or evil or without reason. You don’t have to choose it, but the choice should be available for those who want to choose it.
🌻ART SHOW & TELL🌻
I actually think I wrote the first draft of a song I want to record this week. I am super excited about it! I do have a goal to record and release a song by the end of the year, so this is a great start! I want to share, but I also want to surprise. It’s about how I’ve been feeling lately and it’s called “Handcuffs & the Hounds.” How’s that sound? :)
Time for some TLCCC💕
Treating myself to: a little treat (see “Craving”) when I’ve had a bad day at work
Listening to: The 1989 vault tracks (that were born to be national treasures) all while fangirling over the announcement of THE NEW ALBUM that feels like it is a love letter to me and my poetry bestie (@ Helen)
Crafting: hopefully a gluten AND dairy free meal (it was… successful… because we ordered it instead)
Craving: Starbucks’ chocolate-covered strawberry frappe and the Pina Colada from Zero Degrees
Caring SO much about: my son. I had the worst week at work and missed him so much. I was almost praying for an excuse to be with him after my hard start to the week and I got it when my mom (who watches him) got sick midweek. So thank you and sorry to my mom for the extra Oakley day! ♥️
For simplicity, I am referring to women, but I want to be sure it is known that I mean all who may or may not have periods, the ability to bear children, or appear feminine.