In the Midst of Too Much Plot
49: new therapist, new diagnosis, new life updates… same ol’ gab. How do I love myself and others well in the midst of turmoil?
Overthinking.
May was a big month. 1I had a fun long-weekend straight from a movie while celebrating the marriage of our close friends in LA and, MAN, was it just what I needed! Even though my anxiety in newer groups of people is tough for me to get over (especially if I forget to take my medication…DANGIT GABBY), it was definitely a much needed break from the inescapable, incurable anxiety I retained at my place of work. Last weekend, I got to celebrate my son’s 2nd birthday, which went really well despite my mental state, but after a day of consuming close to zero water in the AZ sun and stressing TF out over other people’s opinions, I found my body rebelling against all food and water I tried giving it— resulting in a desperate need for liquids via IV at the ER (Shoutout to Banner Del Webb — my absolute favorite hospital).
If you know me, I attempt to process my emotions in the present as best I can, but I am still learning how to process my emotions correctly; thinking about my feelings isn’t the same as feeling them. In the past, I have often tried to make my big emotions fit perfectly into a factual puzzle to make them valid for others to sympathize with. But I didn’t realize how much I was invalidating myself by requiring an external approver. There is no perfect, easy place to fit my deep, complex feelings and it isn’t bad for me to simply feel.
I was recently diagnosed with OCD which really validates the difficulty I’m experiencing with obsessive thoughts. I am only just scratching the surface of the impact of this diagnosis on my life as it was recent, but I am already feeling more at ease when I can contribute a thought-spiral to my OCD instead of to myself; I’m not “dramatic” or “crazy,” I have OCD. I wish I didn’t need this diagnosis to finally give myself grace for my struggles, but I sure am thankful for it. I guess I maybe do like a label…
Meanwhile, in therapy, I am learning about temporarily putting my feelings away to process at later, safer times. I am very much a free-feeler, without the ability to compartmentalize. This makes it really hard to do anything until I have made some sort of sense of my feelings. (And now I want to physically make my safe box as an art project because it is so tangible in my mind’s eye.)
But that’s not what I’m here to share.
This week seemed to be a season finale of sorts in my life….