It’s Important to Me. (a Mini Post)
64: “WhY cAn’T yOu JuSt KeEp It AlL tO YoUrSeLf?¿?”
Why say anything at all ever?
Well, to be heard, I suppose.
Hoping people will listen, will learn, will see, will understand….
Words are powerful. They can hurt as much as a punch or heal as much as medicine. They can foster a feeling of safety or— more easily, unfortunately— create feelings of discomfort or anxiety. Words can inspire connection as well as division.
And both outcomes can result from the same words.
There are some words that the majority of people accept as good and positive. Heartwarming, emotional, touching. All words I would use to describe the video below, where Key Huy Quan receives his first Oscar. He expresses his gratitude in a way that many people (most everyone, I would think— I mean, who doesn’t love Key Huy Quan??) celebrate as pure and joyful.
Joy is one of those feelings that, even when expressed in big amounts, is usually applauded and celebrated. When someone feels joyful and allows themselves to express it, they might do it by jumping up and down, waving their hands around, crying happy tears, and maybe shouting or squealing. I’m sure everyone would say that joy, felt fully and truly, is a wonderful thing.
But there are many other emotions that are not looked at as fondly.
“I need somebody to know,
somebody to heal,
somebody to have,
just to know how it feels.”
Sadness, when expressed at all— in big or small amounts, with teary eyes or a loud, snotty sob— is usually not celebrated. Crying can be seen as weak and embarrassing. I’ve heard many people say it makes them feel awkward. But I’ve heard more people say “you don’t need to cry” and try to get someone happy again, like crying isn’t a part of the answer.
And, even still, some people are angered by crying, because they are uncomfortable with weakness, aren’t comfortable expressing their own emotions, or “have the emotional range of a teaspoon.”
Sadness is not always contained in silent crying. Sadness can dive into despair, grief, and depression. Sadness can be paired with a longing for what could have been or a reaching for what was.
Sadness can bleed into anger.
“I wanna share it with the world,
but it’s nuclear.
I’m coming crashing down
like I’m a fucking meteor.”
Our anger comes in to protect us. Anger desires acknowledgment, change, justice. It signals us that we’ve been wronged. Expressions of anger can be harmful, as can expressions of any emotion, but feeling angry in and of itself is not morally bad. No matter what some may say.
Anger isn’t often celebrated and accepted in the way that joy is, especially anger felt by a woman. This anger is often minimized or, disgustingly, blamed on hormones and overactive emotions.
Many label the emotion of anger as damaging. I’ve been told to keep it to myself, was handed a bible verse— as I often am— that tells me I should stop expressing myself, and told to let God handle it all. Give my anger to God and He will do all the dirty work for me.
But I’m allowed to express my anger. And I should, as bottling up can lead to unhealthy consequences.
And I’m allowed to express it however I want or need to.
“Tell me where I belong.
Tell me what’s going on,
where I went wrong.”
I’m allowed to protest. I’m allowed to share my story. I’m allowed to create using my pain as my muse and write my feelings into blog posts, paint them onto a canvas, and let them fuel my daily poetry. Many of these feelings were written into the songs on the album I am recording and will continue to be shared here on this blog as well as with anyone who asks who I feel comfortable sharing with.
It’s my experience to share. And my reality is my truth.
Kesha’s fight to regain the rights to her own voice is inspiring. I respect her deeply for her choices to publicly sharing the story and to write about the pain she experienced while fighting and while healing. She deserves every bit of the success she’s earned from the music spilling out of her broken heart.
“Creation is just exploring. It’s becoming childlike. It’s not judging yourself. So I encourage you all to not be afraid of the intensity inside of you.”
— Kesha, TED Talk
~*~*~
For those who haven’t been able to read it, I have given myself the gift of making the post below public. I am very proud of my writing. I love this post. And if you don’t feel my bloody, beating heart within it, I’m not sure you have one yourself. But to each their own. *shrugs*
But please know that I share my story and will continue to share it for me. I share to feel sane. I share to feel more free of the pain. I share to connect. And I share to express because, I am realizing, that is one of my core values.
I have been hurt1 deeply.
And I will speak about it.
Weekly Subscriptions & Cancellations💁🏽♀️
the ideas and soundtracks I want running in my head, or not.
🙋🏽♀️SUBSCRIBED to:
any podcast or book my individual therapist creates. This gal knows what she’s talking about.
My longtime friend Atreyu, with all his wisdom, lives unapologetically as himself. “To fuck around is human. To find out is devine.”
The NeverEnding Storyyyyyyyyy! I watched it for the first time this week thanks to my good friend Atreyu. I cried so many times. What a story! What a message! “Why don’t you do what you dream, Bastian?” 🥹
The shows: Sex & the City, CentaurWorld, and Derry Girls. I also just finished Ted Lasso for the first time and it was a surprisingly great watch. I was worried it would be too sporty but then I think I realized that my intense annoyance with sports stems from American football.
All of these images make my serotonin skyrocket JUST DANCE+. Gym membership who?
🤦🏽♀️UNSUBSCRIBED from:
People who throw bible verses at me like they’re throwing a life raft to someone in a river.
MAX. Why the hell did you delete Steven Universe (and a ton of other Cartoon Network shows) without warning?? We were in the middle of a rewatch!
Using “fat” as a negative term. It’s not bad to be fat.
The narrative in my head that says I am bad at cooking. I have decided to learn how to cook more things. (And a big thanks to Zach for being encouraging of my experimental pasta!)
Anyone who is shaming Sabrina Carpenter for being sexy and feeling herself on her first stadium tour. Damn, you jealoussssss and it shows.
🌻ARTIST SHOWCASE🌻
While in Flagstaff, I was so happy to see how much art was on display downtown. I was particularly interested in one artist’s work, which mixed paints and other vintage materials.
Her name is Ruth Austin.
These are the ones that caught my eye in-person, but she has so many wonderful pieces that capture nature in a way I adore (with my collage-loving heart).
Time for some TLCCC💕
Treating myself to: time to finish playing Hogwarts Legacy (God Bless Arachnophobia Mode!!)
Listening to: my therapist. 10/10 recommend finding a good therapist and listening to them.
Crafting: nonstop. Planning my next Crafty Gals hang and almost finished with the journal I started for this year. (I am breaking all my journal rules this year and it’s my favorite journal yet! Gabby’s Broken Journal Rule #1: One Journal Per Year. WRONG. Broken! hehe)
Craving: Trader Joes Choco Banana slices. :)
Caring SO much about: my circle of support. Going through shit like I have this year really tested me and shook up my entire support system. The cabin friends I mentioned vaguely last week are friends that I can completely trust, that accept me as I am and support me in whatever circumstance. I hope everyone can find friends like TJ, Atreyu, Kimchi, Fudi, and— of course— Zach. <3
“I’m willing to admit it, even if no one else will. You know why?
Because I’m a beacon of truth, Erin.”
— Michelle Mallon, Derry Girls Season 1
🥰
When people say “church hurt,” it feels minimizing. What happened to me feels bigger than that. The way we have been treated and the pain I have had to handle… This is not “church hurt.” This is spiritual abuse.