Relaxing Stressfully (in Coronado)
56: lots of feelings and questions and doubts… and that’s okay
“There’s more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line.”
What do I even feel like this week? Here’s some thoughts…
July went by extremely fast. I have applied to around 200 different jobs on LinkedIn (no exaggeration) and I am starting to consider selling feet pics, though I have heard it’s not as easy as it seems. (Don’t worry, mom, it’s a joke lol)
I found myself anxious as hell on the beach in Coronado— which has what looks like gold and silver specks in the dark, wet sand. This feels like privilege: having an anxiety attack while vacationing in this little dream of a town (my mom’s favorite place and honestly one of mine too).
As I felt everything intensify, I realized: I was shaming myself for not laying down, shutting up, and eating fancy hummus. It’s not as simple as just ignoring my emotions. How am I supposed to feel any other way than how I feel?
It’s hard, but instead of trying desperately to stop the frustrations and anxieties related to Oakley’s needs in the unrelenting sun (if he ate enough, drank enough water, or has enough sun screen on), I watch him laughing in the water with my parents, acknowledge my worries as being difficult to deal with, and attempt to let them pass by.
Like a wave on the shore.
Like a wave on the shore…
Question: If I’m mixed (Columbian and Italian. Yes, both.), does it make me any less of either? Why do I feel like I’m lying when I check that I’m hispanic on job applications? Am I not brown enough to have a #BrownJob?
I am holding on tightly to Faith Shift by Kathy Escobar, a book that is currently spiritually sustaining me, so that it is not blown away and gobbled up by the sparkly sand. Her words feel like a hug I have been yearning for, each chapter another warm blanket in a cold-shoulder storm I can’t seem to escape. I have felt so alone, not just because I am questioning things people around me are not, but because not everyone is acknowledging my reality1. It takes so much of my energy to prevent this blind-eye approach from deeply disturbing me that— over the last month or so— I have taken 100% more naps than I ever have before in my life.
Where am I meant to be?
I want to be a part of a church, but I want it to be an affirming, welcoming church2 Is there a place like the Refuge referred to in my book?
I want to live somewhere that I can walk to places and the weather invites me to be outside. For me, this means it won’t be 1 million degrees Fahrenheit and rain— and maybe snow (?!!)— is a possibility.
I want to be in a community that is more diverse, inclusive, and offers more opportunities for art. It was hard growing up in an area where both my high school and my church valued sports over the arts.
I feel such a pull to move. Does anyone know relate? I have no experience with it… and that fact only pulls me closer toward that desire for someplace new.
I have started to say that being a Wiggle is my dream job. It maybe comes off as a joke, but it isn’t really. I very seriously would love to sing, dance, and be ridiculous for children’s enjoyment. The Wiggles are an incredibly talented bunch, and they are also open and welcoming of all people, including their nonbinary friend Shirley Shawn the Unicorn.
I have been realizing how much of my struggles may come from my OCD. It’s been really cool to come across so many like-minded individuals here on Substack, that share their experiences like I do, who live through similar mind patterns as me.
I am craving, needing, longing for authentic connection.
I want to spend time with friends who see me, who don’t need to agree with everything I say but who care to hear it, who don’t want to debate but who want to learn more about me because they respect me and my views. Can’t we just eat food, make art, share what’s on our hearts?
I like to start conversations with “What’s the biggest thing on your heart right now?” (Shoutout to Hope for introducing me to that phrase around 2 years ago!) I would rather not dance around the big issues but instead dance through them. Are you dealing with a sick parent, a relationship struggle, or a mental health battle? Let’s make space for that instead of covertly avoiding the complicated to keep some sort of facade of simplicity. Let’s embrace vulnerability and dive in! True connection happens in the depths.
🌻ART SHOW & TELL🌻
Poem from August 3 ♥️
I feel a little stuck
pigeon-holed
I am chocolate icecream
cascading down your hand on a hot day
You look at me with all the care and support one would grant a mosquito
I whisk away my dreams
And my favorite songs
Because if I show them to you
They will be warped into something you need them to be
They’ll come back to me bent
The music won’t fit into my ears the way it used to
And I’ll blame myself
I should have kept private private
I should have been different
But
then I see a younger me
(even if it was only days ago)
And I see her take her time
To present the lyrics and showcase the song.
She wanted to share it
She wanted you to understand
And she thought you would like the song
She thought you would embrace it
But you turned it off
You misheard the metaphors
And dislocated the definitions
You broke off the whimsy
And tore down the decorations
that were so meticulously made
For a party she planned
A party celebrating us finally
Understanding each other
Time for some TLCCC💕
Treating myself to: a new ring (gold leaf, waterproof, and bendy) as well as 2 new books: The Rabbit Listened & Before The Coffee Gets Cold 😊
Listening to: the bulk of Porter Robinson’s anthology
Crafting: an extra long Hamilton post and my July collage!
Craving: chocolate gelato 😍
Caring SO much about: my Oakley not getting sunburned, my parents knowing I love them and that I am very happy to be on this vacation with them (I feel so close to them🥰) , and Zachy feeling supported by me and me feeling supported by him at the same time. ♥️
That reality being that I was fired from my former church because of my LGBTQ identity and beliefs and… all that came after that.
a church that doesn’t set a standard for beliefs or measure how Christian I am based on unwritten and written rules and expectations. I would also like to feel like a respected individual, even if I’m a woman, because I am. I would love to be celebrated and seen as an equal, especially in regards to my husband.