Understanding Ourselves & Others // Valuing Relationships
6: guys, i neeeeeed to talk about the enneagram okay?
I now have 36 subscribers!! I feel so thankful for the support of friends and family around me. I am so glad you guys are enjoying my writing. Feel free to share with anyone you think will enjoy my musings. Truly, thanks for being here. ♥️
Jumping right in-
What is the enneagram?
The enneagram (pronounced enny-a-gram) is what I believe to be the most reliable tool in getting to know yourself and getting out of your own way to be the best possible version of you. It’s also extremely helpful in bridging the gap between diverse personalities- especially in team/group settings. I honestly have not met a more accurate and easily accessible personality-typing system.
The diagram below shows the nine types and how they can connect. Wings are numbers on either side of your enneagram type in number order (Type 4s can lean toward a 3 or 5 wing). How each number reacts in times of growth or stress are signified in the 2 lines connected to your number. For instance, as a Four, I start adopting healthy aspects of a One when I am in a time of growth and the unhealthy aspects of a Two in times of stress.
They say your enneagram type is what you became to survive your childhood, so this means that I became a Four as a Lil’ Gab and continue to look at my life through that lens. So even when I grow and change as an adult, I will still be a Four, but— ideally— a healthier, fuller, better version of me. Some people may appear like other numbers based on their actions, but their motivations behind those actions belong to another type.
You are the only one who can accurately type yourself HOWEVER you cannot type yourself accurately if you’re not honest with yourself.
To see an unbiased overview of all 9 types and to figure out your type, I would visit the Enneagram Institute and look at type descriptions. There are quizzes online you can take, but the best way to find your type is to read about them all and see which one makes you feel weirdly targeted. That’s probably your number. I love to consume enneagram content like Instagram pages geared toward it or listening to music written with certain types in mind. Most of my ennea-info comes from two professors of the enneagram: Suzanne Stabile and Ian Morgan Cron. I am a huge fan of their work and they have so much content to dive into including their Podcast, their books on the Types and Relationships Between those types (also available on Audible), and some really fun devotionals I would super recommend.
I wanted to give some background info on the enneagram, but ultimately use my time with y’all this week to talk about my personal definitions of the other types and how much connection means to me. I do hope, Reader, that you either already know a bunch about the enneagram or you are reading up on something I linked. Can you comment/message me your enneagram type when you do? Pinky promise? Yeah? Yay!
So, with that out of the way, I present to you:
What I Actually Want to Talk About
It’s important for you to know that I think of everyone through the framing set up by the enneagram and, for me, it has greatly improved how I try to make sense of what’s going on around me.
Why did she say that in that meeting?
Why did he leave? Was it something I said?
Why were they so stressed out about that?
It helps me have more compassion when I can see the default settings they’re working with, even if I have no experience with it personally.
FYI: I’m a type 4 wing 3.
As Suzanne Stabile beautifully puts it in an episode of her podcast,
“Fours are the most complex number on the enneagram. In most circumstances they are focused on what’s missing instead of what’s present. They add more texture to art and music and food and the world than any other number. And they have a palpable need to be seen followed by a need to be known. And I think all of that can be wrapped up into the fact that authenticity is supreme to them.”
I honestly could not have put it better.
My Experience With Other Numbers
1- My Co-Captain & Polar Opposite
When I am in a state of growth, I can adopt some positive traits that Ones typically possess like tapping into a productive mindset and doing what needs to be done. We also both have a sense of justice and motivation to create change. If we’re of the same opinion, I’m sure we would be a powerful force that couldn’t be stopped! However, most Ones I have in my circle are of a certain mindset and belief system, so we tend to butt heads. I have big feelings that don’t seem to fit into the world of many Ones in my life, who feel the need to correct me and/or belittle me into believing what they believe. In many conversations with Ones, I tend to feel unheard and preached at. Healthier Ones (like two of my closest friends) have the emotional capacity to leave room for others’ feelings and don’t take every opportunity to correct the people around them or make “the facts” known. Unhealthier Ones come across like emotionless robots with the goal of informing others on their way, the right way. For a Four, this can feel like there is absolutely no way to connect emotionally or to be understood.
2- The Therapist
I get along most with Twos. Who wouldn’t? Their goal is for you to get along with them. They have a tendency to be self-sacrificial and, when unhealthy, can go overboard with helping people and expect something in return. I go to these negative aspects of a Two in times of stress which means I will focus solely on the feelings of others as a sad attempt to connect and hope for care in return. Twos are feelings-oriented and super relationship-focused so they care about making time for me and my feelings. They are my buddies for sure. I do feel like many people WANT to be Twos and mistype as them because, sure, they like to help people, but I only know of one true Two in my life.
3- A Polished Ally
I do have a Three-wing which means I have a deep motivation to succeed and a desire to be the best. As a Four with a Three wing, I think I used success as a way to define myself as special when growing up and I still dip into that mindset from time to time. As a part of the feelings triad (another thing to research), Threes do have the ability to talk about their feelings and connect with Fours. I grew up with a Three as a best friend and we texted constantly about the happenings in our hearts, but not all Threes are down to connect emotionally. Many Threes I have met are hard to reach and even that childhood friend was more difficult to read in-person. It’s hard to take someone somewhere you’re not sure they want to go and many Threes I have met don’t want to go there.
4- The Conversationalists
I’ve heard some Fours feel differently, but I LOVE being around other Fours! In my experience, it is always an awesome time, talking for hours about feelings with someone just as jazzed to dig deep as I am. I leave these lunches feeling refreshed and understood, full with more than food, ready to take on the world of people who just don’t get me as much as other Fours do. I do think that having a different wing is the largest difference between individual Fours, as I feel like I am a bit more extroverted and confrontational than the stereotypical Four. Many of the Fours I know are quiet until you ask them how they feel, which I have no problem asking at all!
5- The Fun or Spooky Ghosts
Fives can be tricky for me to understand, even though that’s one of my wings. I definitely feel like I can lean into my Five wing, especially when researching the enneagram, but I do feel there is a core difference between me and the Fives I have met. When it comes to sharing parts of myself and trusting people, nothing inside of me is avoidant. Everything in me turns me toward other people, wanting so badly to connect on a deeper level, even at the cost of my own embarrassment. Due to their core fear of being incapable, Fives would do a lot, sometimes anything, to avoid things I willingly drive myself into. They are secretive, a bit unpredictable, and tend to have a small circle of trust that I am sometimes in and sometimes not in without warning. At their best, we have a good time jumping into the deep end in the form of dark humor, but at their worst, they feel distant and cold, making me question if I even connected with them in the first place.
6- The Most Loyal Friend or Most Loyal Enemy
I have many different experiences with Sixes and, in my head, there are two identifiable types. Half the Sixes I know are genuine and loyal with a quiet anxiety frosting the glass of their personality. The other half of Sixes feel like they operate out of defensiveness, need things a certain way, and seem to be fueled mainly by fear. The Enneagram Institute’s page on the relationship between a Type 4 and a Type 6 perfectly captures how this pair can give each other undying commitment in the form of empathy and tolerance or crazily trigger each other’s fear of abandonment. For example, Stormy is a Six, but so is TJ, one of my closest friends and my first paid subscriber! Shout-out to my fellow “orphan in the storm!”
7- The Party Pop-By
Sevens are super fun and, in my experience, always want to come across like they’re your biggest fan, possibly with the secret hope you’ll become theirs. I get along with the Sevens I know well enough, but I find myself offended when they don’t remember something I took the time to share with them. They are very much about the current moment and sometimes I see them changing their mind on something they seemed set in stone about a couple days before. They struggle with commitment and can seem to disappear emotionally for long lengths of time. They are so positive and a great time, but it’s hard to feel close to a Seven. And as a Four, that makes me really sad.
8- The Boss-Ass Bitch
Oddly enough, I do get along with Eights. Even with my problems with authoritative people who preach at me, I feel drawn to their intensity and their honesty. But lean in too close and I’m burned when they tell me the “right” way to feel. In reality, their feelings are influencing what they believe to be factual, just like Ones, and it can really rub me the wrong way. But man, do I appreciate their realness. I would take an Eight’s aggressiveness over someone’s passive-aggressiveness any day, but their silence shakes me, as it is almost more aggressive than their words when they’re healthy. If they’re not as healthy- their words shoot to kill when they’re mad and they have NO regrets about that.1 And that is danger danger to Gab and her highly sensitive heart.
9- The Cuddly Ones
I have a soft spot for Nines as I am married to one of them and feel like I understand them more intimately than I do other numbers. They are conflict-avoidant which is hard for me, but even that comes in handy when I am too emotional to speak at a social function and Z covers for me. They can make everything seem alright when they really truly aren’t, which is a super power for SURE. I do continuously worry about Nines though, as they fall asleep to their feelings and struggle to access them or the reasons why they are feeling something at all. As a Four, I have absolutely NO problem naming and explaining my feelings so, in this way, I feel like I’m destined to befriend and protect Nines. All their best qualities can be my favorite or least favorite thing depending on how personal I take it, but the point of the enneagram is for us to see their motivations and realize it isn’t personal. It’s how they grew up reacting to the world. I am so thankful the enneagram helped me more deeply understand and extend compassion to my husband.
Relationships mean everything to me.
This week has been a rough one. Professionally and personally, I have not felt cared for or seen. More than not, I find myself in places with people much unlike myself and I’ve realized I am not feeling safe to be me most of the time. That does not seem to be the problem with those around me though. I often feel like I am the only one reaching for and trying to accommodate for others, but it doesn’t feel like I’m ever getting that in return. I’m thankful for friends like Kimchi, who make me feel safe and sweep me off to get Starbucks or feed my current Doorables addiction in the midst of a no-good-very-bad-day…but then I sadly have to return to people I feel disconnected to and disrespected by.
But how does one bridge the gap between numbers?
How do you explain yourself to someone who doesn’t want to hear it?
How do you fix a relationship that the other person doesn’t believe is broken?
On my darkest days, I have felt like I didn’t matter to anyone and even though my darkest days are behind me, I still struggle with feeling lesser-than and wrong. My therapist told me not to discount how difficult this feeling is for me and I won’t. I can’t. That’s why I’m here on this blog— proving to myself that I believe I am worth understanding.
I have made decisions to talk to and share parts of my heart with some of these people and I hope they can understand how badly I want our relationship to benefit from my honesty. I am not trying to hurt and we don’t need to agree on everything, but we do need to agree about how we show care for each other. I need acceptance that I am who I am, even if it doesn’t make sense to them. The only way we can correctly care for one another is by listening to how the other can receive it.
To Live for the Hope of it All
I have a lot of hope when reading Ian Morgan Cron’s book on the enneagram, as it calls this system a gift that helps us understand everyone’s perspective was “born out of a singular biography, a particular wound, a fractured vision of life.” The enneagram helps us give ourselves compassion because our pesky feelings start to make a whole lot of factual sense based on our histories.
“We can’t change the way other people see, but we can try to experience the world through their eyes and help them change what they do with what they see.”
With Ian’s background as a pastor, he has a unique perspective to share about how each enneagram type reflects a different angle of God’s image. Each type is pointing us toward a characteristic of God that we need, but it is when we grasp too tightly onto our type and the way we see the world that we lose sight of the others and distort our own gifts.
I want to be better at embracing the differences in other people and not taking things as personally. Everyone is trying to live their life in the best way they can. Digging deeper into why we walk around life the way we do is so important. All I know is that Fours tend to be more okay and actually excited about self-reflection, but that it’s definitely not the same for other numbers. It’s on my heart to pray for the openness inside myself and others, for everyone to get to know their inner-selves maybe for the first time and to embrace the possibly unknown complex stories of those around them. I want to celebrate our differences and, above all, extend love and grace to those around me, even when it’s hard.
I am quoting Taylor Swift lyrics here and in the last header as I am an excited new Swifty!