Confrontation Station
10: trying to be a friend and have friends while trying to break habits that are no longer serving me— confronting emotions & confronting friends
Enjoy the walk down memory lane with the pink (or underlined) links!
Growing up, Lil’ Gab had a new best friend every year. I could never pinpoint what went wrong or if it was just hard being separated into new classes the following year, but I continued to think—was it me? I tried my best to be a good friend to everyone. I especially loved being someone’s first friend in grade school. I felt so helpful being a starter friend, but it was also hard only feeling needed until they found friends they actually clicked with. Now, I do have a lot of great friendships, but I still feel insecure about many of them. I love planning things with friends and I love being the one to send out that group text. But sometimes I feel like I am reminding people I exist when I send those texts. And sometimes I share something and their words don’t make me feel hugged. All of this leads me to overthink where we are in our friendship and what I should do next.
“But how can you not hear the whole conversation I have, sitting still with a brain on fire?”
Social Anxiety
As we all know, I am a recovering people-pleaser. It’s very hard for me to be honest about my feelings when someone else’s feelings appear bigger or more important than mine in a conversation. I have always been very empathetic and understanding— to a fault— to the point that I understand others’ feelings so much, I forget my own. When I understand someone’s emotions, I can understand more why they would reject my feelings, which triggers my fear of rejection. And this fear often makes social interactions or certain social situations very anxiety-inducing, sometimes to the point of panic.
What if they disagree?
What if they don’t understand?
What if they don’t want to understand?
What if what I say costs me the relationship?
It’s so scary to let someone know how I feel, whether they’re an intimidating authority figure or a sensitive close friend. I desperately want to avoid angry lecturers and save close friendships from falling apart. This is why (at the time I am posting) I have only directly shared this blog with people I feel safe enough to share with. But honestly, posting about my faith journey was still spooky. I was afraid of someone feeling weirded out by what I said or possibly respecting me less because of what I believed. But in the end, I realized the reason I started this blog was to practice being honest with myself and letting the value I put into my own words be enough. I don’t want to nor should I be so focused on the opinions of others, though I do know why my habits lean this way. Even though I forget I’m adopted all the time, my adoption trauma is the motivation behind these well-worn habits and tendencies. I am so laser-focused on being welcomed into groups of friends and family, I often leave myself behind.
But just because the tendencies make sense and the habits are deeply ingrained doesn’t mean I am unable or unwilling to change. It just means it will be my life’s work. Going through therapy is me understanding that I am deep in a rut and finding out how I got here and where to go now. Being in therapy is also me learning to accept myself and coming to understand that God accepts me even when others don’t. But how do I learn to accept myself even when others reject me? How do I become okay with the tension between me and someone who disagrees? How can I stand up for myself and what I believe in without losing close friendships?
Confrontation
I know the benefits of being real with someone else and I am here for it. But the anxiety I feel before a confrontation is so massive that my body feels achey until it happens. It is super hard for me to go to someone and express feelings I know they will have a negative reaction to. Growing up, these situations did not bode well for me. But now, even though I am more sure of myself and aware of what’s holding me back from successfully resolving conflict, it is still a lot of work. Setting a time and place to talk over serious topics isn’t easy or fun to do. When an issue is confronted, it’s uncomfortable. I don’t think there’s a way to avoid that. All I know is both parties have to have the goal of understanding as well as explaining.
Lately, I have been having some really successful talks! I have definitely put a lot of work into preparing and I have learned how to study up for these tests of emotional intelligence. But let it be known: even with all my studying, I do not have full control of the conversation. I only have control over what I share and how I share.
What people do I feel safe enough to share with?
What topics are safe to share at all?
When should I communicate this?
Should I write a letter or meet in-person?
Are these feelings presented with the most accurate wording and framed in the correct tone?
I do not have control over other people’s reactions; I only have control of my own words and actions.
“It’s cool to be honest. It don’t cost you to care and trust is a virtue that we should share.”
Boundaries
So, this is why I have to set boundaries for myself. Boundaries are not made to control others; they are made to support the boundary-creator and their comfort. I shouldn’t make a boundary that relies on the changed behavior of another person. I can only control myself. For example, political talk stresses me out and the way some people like debating about it is too intense for me. If I choose to communicate my discomfort, I might get an apology and a change in behavior or a defensive stance and a continuation of their previous behavior. At this point, I can decide to make a boundary. I make this boundary known that the intensity of the political discussion may cause me to leave the hangout early. This doesn’t force change on anyone else but, but it frees me from a situation I don’t want to be in. Sometimes, those on the other side of a boundary disagree with my decisions. They might argue or pout or blame or threaten, but I just take a deep breath and know that I have the freedom to leave uncomfortable or unsafe situations to the benefit of my family and myself.
Now, if I chose to present this same boundary as a threat, that wouldn’t be good either. “Stop talking about politics or else I will leave!” With this tone and wording, I come across as controlling. There is a difference between being comfortable and hiding behind so many walls that no one can reach you. Too many boundaries can leave me with no way to challenge my thinking, which could change it or strengthen it. I try to keep a balance and check in with myself to know when I’ve hit my limit— and communicate that.
“I wish I could just say it straight away.”
Communication
Even when something seems glaringly obvious, I’ve learned that it is best to spell things out and over-communicate. Enneagram types differ, communication styles differ, and what one person calls affection, another may call smothering. Not all ways of communicating are common sense or common practice for all people. I try to have patience and ask questions when I don’t understand someone’s point of view, but it is really hard to understand views polar opposite to my own.
I struggle with being a chronic over-sharer. That is not my husband’s problem at all. But oversharing vulnerable information is definitely something I tend to fall into and I am trying to work on. Not all people are safe to share with and I am allowed to keep things to myself. Privacy was never really allowed in my house. I became very in-tune with everyone’s footsteps. When the sound became louder and closer, I knew my peaceful bedroom was about to be hijacked by harsh vibes. This blog, though public and vulnerable to judgement, is a bit of an exercise for me in choosing to share for myself and believing in my experience enough to ward off a possible hijacking. Existing fully as myself somewhere in the universe is its own reward but it is risky. I put my heart out there each week and I have to be strong enough to take the blows when they come.
“And maybe I don’t quite know what to say, but I’m here in your doorway.”
Don’t Avoid It
Even if it’s hard— and it is— relationships strengthen when we can be honest and meet each other where we are. I am always stumped when someone leaves a situation just to avoid conflict, but is deeply saddened by the disconnection they feel as a result. I know sometimes my protectors will tell me to remove myself before I get hurt, but staying is a risk taken in the name of love and trying to make it work. Even though some relationships don’t work no matter what I do, I still want to believe many just need a little time and effort. Some friendships have seasons and some have expiration dates, but I attach strongly to my friends. I want my friendships to be forever. And I don’t want something I chose not to do out of fear of embarrassment leave me wondering if I could’ve made it work. Being open with others is something I value because I never want to be in my own way of connecting with someone deeply.
And with that, I will leave you with a quote I apparently mistakenly attributed to Dr. Seuss:
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
— Bernard M. Baruch
Thank you for reading this week’s post! Do you relate? Do you also struggle with anxiety? Do you identify as the reacher in your relationships? As always, I would love for you to LIKE and SHARE with those that you think will enjoy. Have a great week!
*Not to be confused with “Manipulation Station” 😅😵💫