Obedience ≠ Respect
61: This week, I am really amped about human rights (as I am every week), but this week in particular I focused in on children's rights.
Warning: This post is kinda all over the place. (coughs) Continue.
I know God was busy protecting me mentally over the summer, but thankfully good ol’ God is coming in clutch with the cool(er) AZ weather— FINALLY. This is seriously a huge reason why I daydream about moving to a place without this “dry heat” I hear so many lizard people calling a perk.
Arizona’s heat also keeps us indoors, which is very tough with an adventurous outdoorsy toddler. I’m sure summer is a fun time for outdoor community in other places, but here? Being outside during the day can be deadly.
AZ Indoor Play Place Review
Skip to the next header if you gots no children. So, indoor play places are very popular in the valley. I have not tried all of them, but I have tried TWO. You’re welcome lol. They are very different. First, we have Little Champs— an indoor kids “gym” with trampolines and squishy climby gymnastic equipment located next to Trader Joe’s in Surprise. The second is PLAYzona— an extremely clean indoor kids play place located in Glendale with a very organized “town” set up where kids can go to the grocery store, play house and veterinarian, or drive around the town square in Little Tikes vehicles.
Both definitely have their pros and cons. The hours at Little Champs are a bit all over the place while PLAYzona is open consistent hours 7 days a week. Little Champs, though closer to us and more about climbing (which Oakley is all about), there isn’t air conditioning, so large fans are set up in two areas. PLAYzona does have AC and makes it abundantly clear upon entering their facility that organization, cleanliness, and comfort are their top priorities (their employees are cleaning and organizing constantly, without disrupting kiddos), but Little Champs is not cleaned throughout the day and has many areas accessible to children that definitely require a parent to be present and proactive for safety reasons.
Lastly, both play places have rules, but only PLAYzona enforces them, making the parent and child experience at PLAYzona superior. There are rooms at Little Champs meant to be only for smaller children under 3 years old that are used by all ages, making it really difficult for my toddler to escape the older kiddos. Even though both places have an age range of 0-7 or 0-8 years old, Little Champs allows older children to attend and allows parents to not be actively monitoring their children. This makes it very difficult— frustrating to downright infuriating, depending on the day— to attempt to play with your smaller child in a sea of unmonitored children, especially during the summer. Because of the older children and the lack of supervision, I have decided to make the 25-minute trek out to Glendale to curb Oakley’s thirst for adventure at PLAYzona instead.
Which brings me to this week. (aka storytime)
On a day when I had both a wiggly Oaky and a big list for Trader Joe’s, I decided to try out Little Champs again, as it is in the same parking lot as TJ’s. I already have the punchcard for PLAYzona (which does cost around $20 more), so I purchased a one-time play pass at Little Champs, which went up in price to $15, the same as a day pass to Playzona.
BUT ANYWAYS, Oakley and me were having a grand ol’ time in the mostly empty play area at Little Champs on a weekday morning, holding hands and jumping in a circle on the trampoline, until a child walked up to us.
I was an early childhood educator, so I think my patience with little ones stretches further than others, but I was on my last leg this day. For some reason or another, I was overstimulated and running on fumes.
The kid that walked up had to have been kindergarten-age. He wanted to join hands with Oakley and I to join our jumping circle, which frightened Oak into my arms. I tried to tell the kid Oak just wanted to play with me, but the kid pushed harder. He looked me right in the eyes and spoke loudly. “I want you to play with me! You need to play with me too!” Here I was, desperately looking for this kid’s parent or guardian, while he continued to beg/demand that I play with him. I was doing my best to explain to this aggressive space-invader that I was parent to my child and my child only and that he needed to go find his mom or dad or grandparent to play with, but he was not having it. He wanted me to push him on the swing, me to pick him up, me to tell him he was indeed running very fast.
As we ventured around to the back room where I was now alone with my son and this kid who wanted to be my son, I was trying to spot the parent. It wasn’t the mom with a toddler or the mom on her computer in the back room. It wasn’t until I got back to the main room that I realized his mother was a lady fully engrossed with her computer, sitting at a table in the front. He tried to get her attention a couple times, but she didn’t even look over at him for very long. There were no other children his age to play with and this play place supposedly required parents to monitor their own children.
A rage started boiling inside me directed at this mother, who was likely (HOPEFULLY) working and trying to get free childcare from whatever random adults she could. If she wanted me to play with her kid, I would like to be paid for that ish. But she wasn’t paying me. She also wasn’t paying her child any attention.
What she was doing (and apparently has been doing, as Zach had seen her there before) was emotionally neglecting her child. Maybe this plan was fool-proof during the busy summer. However, her son was now obviously not thriving in this arrangement. What is so important that is worth your child crying and jumping into the laps of strange adults, hoping that one of them will give him the attention he is starved for? I could tell by this kid’s desperate eyes that this basic need for attention was not being met, and seemingly hadn’t been met in a while.
Of course, I don’t know the details of their situation (maybe he had a specific disorder, or they have an unreliable sitter, or she’s recently divorced and they’re homeless— WHO KNOWS), but this is not the first time going to Little Champs has meant me (or Zach) having to parent other people’s children while just trying to have a good time with our own child. Unfortunately, Little Champs is often the hangout for many mom groups who gather to talk in the corner while their older children run around, ravaging the setup and hoarding the toys from toddlers. Oakley has had multiple little girls 5-6 years older than him take toys out of his hands, hit him, and push him down, as well as yell at me.
This week, I didn’t say anything as I walked out, but when I got to Trader Joe’s, I was— as one would say in D&D— in need of a long rest. My spell slots were empty, my health was almost completely depleted, and I had none of my usual tools at my disposal. I hoped the friendly nature of TJ’s would calm Oakley down from the heightened state he was in due to his stalker of the day.
Thankfully, he was singing and waving to people and feeding me a sample of bacon ranch dip with fall leaf-shaped chios (yes, he likes to feed me the chips and yes, Trader Joe’s has samples now!!). When we got to the checkout counter, I swore I saw the cashier scan an item twice. Even though the lady seemed nice, she was a little rough on the edges (said I was “definitely more of a miss than a ma’am” in a tone I could not decipher) and I was nervous to question her cashiering skills. So, I didn’t. She handed me the receipt— in true Trader Joe’s fashion, handed Oakley a whole bunch of stickers and a sucker, for free— and we made our way to the parking lot.
After getting the groceries into the car, I finally snuck a look at the receipt to see if the cashier had scanned an item twice. It wasn’t much money, but as an unemployed mom, I am really making sure every dollar we spend is necessary. And she had scanned it twice. So, I stood there, holding the receipt and looking back and forth at the sliding doors in which we had just exited. What was worth it? Oakley was starting to get fussy. I was done being out and about and needed to pee. And maybe, I thought, the extra cash I was accidentally charged for would cover the free stuff she had given me.
And then, my mind decided. No. HELL NO. I do not owe them due to their kindness. It’s my money and I am not being an inconvenience. I am being inconvenienced and I deserve help from the staff, who are literally paid to help me. Why was I trying to follow some sort of secret social rules that I don’t even agree with? Why do I keep doing this??
Hi, I’m Gabby and I’m a People-Pleaser.
If you grew up feeling like you were responsible for everyone else’s feelings, congratulations— you too are a people pleaser. Even when I’m the customer or when I know what I’m talking about, I decide it’s best not to trust myself and choose an option that avoids inconveniencing those around me. But then, inevitably, I feel the weight of all those inconveniences stack up on top of me. And I’m angry, with almost no current reason to be. People pleasing1, no matter the intent, is a form of manipulation. It gets a positive emotional response, which in and of itself is a desirable outcome. Who doesn’t like to be around other happy, satisfied people?
This week, while rewatching Steven Universe2, we watched an episode where Kiki covers her sister’s shifts at their family’s pizza restaurant and, in result, is plagued with terrible pizza nightmares. Using his psychic abilities, Steven joins Kiki in her dreams to fight her inner demons until she is honest with her (cheese pizza) sister about how she really feels.
The rough, raw nature of humanity is too beautiful to modify and fit into some polarizing storybook. Faking, masking, hiding, lying— whatever you want to call it— are all things that dilute each of our uniqueness for the supposed benefit of those we want to please. I have it in my head that people will be mad at me for expressing what I feel or what I need, so I avoid being honest to keep up the status quo I detect— until I eventually explode. Those who value their relationship with me will not be scared off by my honesty, but those who rely on my ability to people-please will be disappointed by the truth.
“A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.”
— Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
As a child, I was horrified by the movie Ella Enchanted and hated watching it. Now, I think I understand why. Ella’s godmother cursed her with perfect obedience, which led to Ella being taken advantage of OFTEN, in some really scary ways (and especially for a Lil’ Gab). People-pleasing can have a similar effect. In many ways, Ella was cursed with what might actually be my biggest fear: losing control of myself and my life. I do not want to be restrained, censored, or muted.
With the beginnings of this realization rattling in my head, I walked back toward TJ’s. Thankfully, I ran into a into a friendly employee I’d met once before with fishbone earrings jingling along with her bobbing head. In less than a minute, I experienced the friendliest, fastest refund I ever have— with a joke from the manager as he rounded up 1 penny to “avoid handling 99 pennies.” And out to the car I went, with an employee even offering to take my cart back for me.
Man, what if everyone in the world was as nice as the employees at Trader Joe’s? What if at least the Christians were?3
Basic Human Decency
I once had a crush on a guy until he threw a pillow at my cat, and immediately he changed in my mind from someone I really liked to someone who threw things at cats for no reason. That’s not exactly my type.
In Trader Joe’s, I was treated so kindly by many (paid) strangers. At the play place, a mother completely ignored her crying child. Across the United States, basic human rights of women and queer, and trans people are on the chopping block. Somewhere, some place, I’d like to think things were not as complicated.
Why are we allowing people to sit at the table that believe that other people at the table shouldn’t be allowed a seat?
One of my favorite Youtubers Brandi TV— the channel behind the series “After Special Treats” in which she consumes a treat infused with usually around 100+mg of THC. (As one can assume, these videos are hilarious.) She also has another series talking about her experience in the American prison system. Brandi’s candid storytelling is at times hilarious and at other times haunting, but at all times I cannot look away. The video linked below was especially shocking for me with the amount of control the system has over prisoners, truly taking away many of their basic human rights, but her truth was made all that more shocking when she shared that she had been at a women’s prison in Arizona. Holy shit, I thought, people are really treating other people like subhumans in my own backyard??
Seriously, this creator is so sweet. And hearing her share publicly about such heavy experiences is so powerful. It pulled me in closer, making me root for her more. She’s been through so much and I hope people don’t have to go through what she did in the future.
However—
There are many people, many children, right now who have had basic human rights stripped from them.
Many (way too many) are in Gaza.
Many are everywhere. Suffering in different ways.
Children are often treated like subhumans, but unlike many adults this is not reserved only for punishment. This vulnerable subgroup has no control over their lives, their bodies, or their emotions. They have no knowledge of what life is about, no language to ask or to tell, and a whole color wheel of emotions so pigmented and powerful they often come bursting out unexpectedly. Think about how scary it is to be a child. How scary would it be to feel and to experience strong emotions… and then be shamed for not knowing, not saying, not doing, not being better?
The neglected children Oakley and I run into at play places can easily be labeled as clingy or annoying, but only because they have a survival-level need for love, care, and attention that isn’t being fulfilled. And strangers at play places are not the appropriate people to fufill those needs for them. The little girl who pushed Oakley was terribly disregulated. I heard her tearfully calling for her mother, who kept shooing her away. The little girl who yelled at me for being an adult in the kids playroom likely didn’t know adults were allowed. Her anger was misdirected at me when she was actually angry at her mother for perhaps not being honest with her about why she wasn’t playing with her daughter. The child we met this week wanted to join us and interact with us in a family manner. He needed family time. He was obviously very willing to put himself out there and trust strangers because of how desperate he was for attention.
“I’ll do whatever it takes.
I’ll make a million mistakes.
I’ll make the world safe and sound for you.”
Children count on us as adults to guide them and support them. As a parent, I model the behavior my child should expect from others, especially those who say they love them.
I hope fellow parents know, I do not mean to mom-shame here. God knows how badly these moms needed these breaks to talk with their friends, catch up on work, or simply have a moment to sit down. HOWEVER, my goal in writing about all this is to hold a place for the children, who— no matter the parents’ intentions— may suffer lasting effects of these decisions in their lives.
I definitely have a heavy attachment to my phone and I wouldn’t be surprised if that had a lasting effect on Oakley. Maybe, in the future, Oakley will hate something I teach him or he’ll be angry I didn’t teach him more. Maybe something I say to him will affect him throughout his life. But I have a job as a parent and as a fellow person in the world to guide Oakley in the ways of humanity and to inform him of his rights. I get the crazy responsibility to decide what I want him to know, how I want to teach it to him, and who I want him to be influenced by. Even though there is a lot that I don’t have control over, purposefully or not, I will play a huge role in defining what it means and how it feels to love and to be loved. I will, whether I mean to or not, define right and wrong, good and bad, worthy and not. My choices for my life and his, whether conscious or not, will affect him and how he ends up viewing the world.
And when my son starts to write his own definitions, I can read them and riot or I can expand my own dictionary and make room for his reality in my own. I don’t want Oakley to fear me and I don’t want him to think my love for him depends on how well he obeys me.
Love isn’t fear and respect isn’t obedience. Truth lies in reality.
“Where, after all, do universal rights begin? In small places, close to home— so close and so small that they cannot be seen on any maps of the world. Yet they are the world of the individual person; the neighborhood he lives in; the school or college he attends; the factory, farm, or office where he works.
Such are the places where every man, woman, and child seeks equal justice, equal opportunity, equal dignity without discrimination. Unless these rights have meaning there, they have little meaning anywhere. Without concerned, citizen action to uphold them close to home, we shall look in vain for progress in the larger world.
—Eleanor Roosevelt, remarks delivered at the United Nations March 27, 1958. Quoted in the back of the book below.
I’m thankful for my Oaky today, who I get the pleasure of full-time mothering in this current time of unemployment (with help from family for chores, errands, and date days). I wanted to end this post with a song I sang to him a lot as a newborn. It still reminds me of dancing around the living room with him in my arms, his little one-month-old face unable to emote and his wide eyes taking in all of my dramatic, silly performance. I’m here with ya Oaky, happy or sad, day or night. ❤️
“If you’re feeling down, I just wanna make you happier, baby…. Now you’re in my life. I can’t get you off my mind.”
🌻ART SHOW & TELL🌻
I painted more!! I am in my creative prime right now, guys. Art is literally carrying me through this.
Time for some TLCCC💕
Treating myself to: some fun purchases at a cute little Munds Park (Northern AZ) farmer’s market. It’s running till the end of October so I will definitely be back! 🥰🙌🏽
Salt of the Earth Body Care Products— Marlene is so sweet and she makes natural homemade soaps (free smells were lovely, and I usually don’t like homemade soaps) and cards with pressed flowers! I didn’t purchase any but I know many a gals who would! ☺️
Lasagna & More — HUGE fan of this sauce. They give out free samples for a reason: you won’t be able to resist buying more! I will definitely go back and get a meal, but I got a jar of their heavenly sauce and have already enjoyed its spiciness at home. 😊
Original Yak Chews— Kida LOVES these (when she remembers how to chew lol) as they are just aged, dried cheese. This is the second time I have bought from them.
The Best Bar— aka the best GRANOLA bar lol. But this really is my favorite granola bar ever. 10/10 would eat again.
Listening to: Aurora’s latest album as a whole and my Spotify Discover Weekly, which exposes me like no other.
Crafting: MY ALBUM!!! (CRYING EYES OUT EMOJI) We’re only 2 ///rough/// tracks in, but we are moving! Lil’ Gab is screaming crying dancing shaking SINGING!! 🤩🥹
Craving: Chocolate bananas (shoutout to Trader Joe’s!) and butternut squash mac and cheese (also shoutout to Trader Joe’s! #TraderHoe4)
Caring TOO much about: other people’s opinions of me. I am going to make a conscious effort to stop that nonsense in its tracks. OH— Also, my sweet Zachy got me AstroBot!! I completely one-hundred-percented Astro’s Playroom, which came with the PS5. And I am SO PUMPED for more adorable space adventures!!!
People pleasing is when you do things to please others that are not authentic to you, often “at the expense of your own needs.”
One of the best cartoons in existence.
lol too soon?
I think I beat some sort of record for number of times “Trader Joe’s” is mentioned in a single blog post.