Can I Tell My Story If I Haven't Healed?
69: "She was a strong-willed woman that anyone would struggle to have on their team.”
Many Christians have told me recently that it’s better to keep things under wraps. It’s better not to rock the boat. They connect their opinions to a bible verse and tell me I’m ignoring God’s truth.
But something I know to be true? The truth sets you free.
“You don’t have to believe me,
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off.”
Don’t Shoot the Messenger
There are so many stories I want to tell, but they aren’t mine to share. I’m here to tell my own story as best I can as I am still very much in the process of deconstructing my faith and healing from the spiritual abuse I suffered at CCV, my former church and place of work. You don’t know how many times I’ve tried to write this. My hands shake, my stomach aches, my head spins… I have been waiting for the day that I felt confident enough about myself to write about this, as if one day I would wake up and be some sort of enlightened, fully knowledgable version of myself that would say everything in the best way. On that day, I would not give into manipulation, I would be well-versed in what I believe, and I would be able to look back on the events of the last year with full clarity, already having found a way to completely rid myself of the shame I carry. I’d tell my story when everything was fine again and I could give a happily-ever-after version of this whole thing. It was bad, now it’s good, and hey— we’re back at CCV!
Unfortunately, we’re not at that point of the story. And, frankly, even though I’d like to think that some big changes could turn it all around at our former church, I must accept the fact that, with things looking as they do now with integrity issues going all the way to the top in leadership, they may not be changing any time soon.
I have to focus on what I do have to keep my head up. And I have so much. To be thankful for, to smile about, to write poetry about… A wonderful life that I would not trade for anything, struggles and all.
But it doesn’t take a pessimist to tell ya that my summer was not a great one…